Relapse

[Pietro Carloni]

Hello to all. After a summer I go back to my habits, to my work. I come back with my family, my daughter goes to school this year and my son is 10 months old. I came home and new pains came with me. This time in the lumbar area. And so I went in six months from sciatica to pain in the shoulder blades and a week ago I have pains in the lower back. I feel destroyed. I feel guilty because my family needs me and I'm stuck again. I cry. I despair. I'm really bad. And I feel that everything I've learned in these months has not helped. I went to the doctor who said that the cause is muscular and is due to the fact that I held my son for too long. I can not calm down. I can not distract myself from this pungent pain. I can not believe it happened again and I can not tell if it's due to Tms. I would love to consult a TMS doctor. But here in Italy they do not exist and now my convictions falter. I only have this forum that has given me so much strength in the past and that now seems so far away. Where did I go wrong? What is happening to me? I think my problem is my family and my job, but now I can not do anything to change things. We are going through economic difficulties and I have to go to work. And taking care of children also takes away so much energy from me. I'm sorry to have to say these things, but this forum is the only place that can understand my discomfort. What would you do in my place? I do not know what to do.

 

[Lizzy]

Pietro,

I'm so sorry you are having pain again. I think you are very worried about being a good provider and father. That stress is winding you up. I've noticed people who are not working on being good at that don't worry about it at all. I'm sure you are a good person and father. I think soothing your heart and mind would then sooth your pain. Your fear is controlling you. Also, don't worry about holding your son, your back is strong, its your mind that is stopping you.

What has worked before to calm you? Slow down and breathe through what is going on in your life. Enjoy and just be.

 

[Pietro Carloni]

Hello everyone and thanks @Lizzy for the kind answer,

I wanted to update you on the evolution of this period of great physical and emotional difficulties. As for the pain: from Sunday in addition to the lower back pain also hit the neck and shoulders.

What is interesting though is that in the afternoon I read HBP for the third time and I discovered that some concepts that I had previously neglected have begun to take shape and it is as if for the first time they made sense of my situation.

I was amazed to reread that pain is a form of self-defense and a distraction to protect us from what we don’t want to think, it will seem trivial and is a concept repeated thousands of times within this forum, but I was surprised that in an attempt to understand it, the harassing pain was losing strength and I did not let it drag me into the despair in which I had fallen only the day before.

Of course the pain has not disappeared (it would have been too good), indeed, over the last two days it has appeared and continues to manifest itself in a thousand forms, but for the first time, I managed to apply the suggestions described by Dr. Sarno in his writings, that is, the symptom, at least in my case, is only a manifestation of some contingent preoccupation.

My problem, then, is to convince myself (unconscious) that everything was born as a distraction and I realize that despite all the readings, despite the meditation and the various relaxation techniques, a part of me continues (due to fear, I think) to do a clear distinction between the physical symptom (and the limitations on life that it entails) and the emotional state.

Only now I realize how difficult it is for me to align the two spheres and that anxiety, fear and worry are not easy to identify when I’m totally absorbed by the manifestation of the syndrome.

I hope to be on the right track, but today I feel stronger and in the coming days I will try to find peace in those daily moments that are the fuel of my anxious states.

A hug!

Pietro

 

[Time2be]

Hi Pietro, so good to hear from - although the circumstances are not so nice. I fully understand your frustration. I am also always almost devasted by relapses. It feels like I am defeated. It is the proud child within us: we did so well and now, uhh, we were not so successful after all. I think that feeling of being defeated contributes also to the pain. You seem to be on the right path, trying to find out what bothers you. For me it is not always the grand topics. Minor triggers will also do - unfortunately. Try to take it with calmness, it will go away, you can be sure of this!

 

[Free of Fear]

Hi Pietro,

I read your post this morning. Later today I was listening to a Claire Weekes talk and thought of you. Go to 20:25 on her talk here. (Substitute "TMS" for "panic" in her talk.)

Hope this helps in some way. Wishing you well.

 

[Pietro Carloni]

Dear Time2be,
about what you say:

For me it is not always the grand topics. Minor triggers will also do - unfortunately.

in this way I made great discoveries, I discovered that the trigger for some of my symptoms is to have to go by tube to work early in the morning, this thought, for years, haunts me and the fear is that the pain is strong enough not to allow me to reach the station on foot from my house.

I conclude that to give the start to the pain may be any thought makes us feel under pressure, every mood that increases our levels of anxiety.

I conclude that to give the start to the pain can be any thought makes me feel under pressure, every mood that increases my levels of anxiety, especially if it comes to thoughts and things that I do habitually, without thinking about it.

Indeed, I believe that it is precisely the habits that move me away from the present and from feeling what I’m feeling at that moment.

If I look back at my life, I realize that these symptoms, with less intensity and in a different way, have been manifested for some time, the problem is that I could not recognize its importance and I continued to organize and plan my life as if they were not there (also because I have always had low self-esteem and a high level of narcissism - as Sarno would say).

One piece of advice that I am giving to myself is to try to be more confident with my emotions and with the more sensitive side of my character because I believe, at this point that a good listening ability is crucial to focus on the psychological aspects of our to be.

I thank you for the words of comfort and I hope that you too can overcome, soon, this temporary period of relapse

 

[Pietro Carloni]

Hi Pietro,

I read your post this morning. Later today I was listening to a Claire Weekes talk and thought of you. Go to 20:25 on her talk here. (Substitute "TMS" for "panic" in her talk.)

Hope this helps in some way. Wishing you well.

Dear Free of Fear,
I discovered, thanks to this forum, the words and the method of Claire Weekes in June.
I can say, as for many other things since I embarked on this path, which changed my way of looking at my moods and, above all, my numerous panic attacks (my first attack I had in 1996 , when I was twenty and if I had discovered the things I learned with his book, I think my life at this point would have been different ... but it's never too late, right?).
Thanks for the kind thought
P.S. I'm reading MyCuppaJo - amazing blog on living through pain with integrity and meaning, I find it very interesting!
A hug
I hope you're fine.

 

[Time2be]

Dear Pietro, you are like many of us a sensitive person. But this fact is perfectly hidden for us because, as you say, we enjoy a picture of ourselves of being robust. This is because we think we need to be very good and by this we compensate for low self esteeem. And our narcissism, which is a result of early neglect by our parents, is enraged but the fact that we have to be so disciplined and do all the petty things we deep inside us loathe to do. I can feel pain coming up when I need to do administrative work (which I hate) and not being able to follow my research for a while. Do you know why your trip to the tube is a trigger for you?

 

[Ithantech]

I returned to the forum today to search for ways to cope with a relapse. These posts have been very helpful. I just listened to the end of the Claire Weeks post. Great section. Accept. Thank you all

Hi Pietro,

I read your post this morning. Later today I was listening to a Claire Weekes talk and thought of you. Go to 20:25 on her talk here. (Substitute "TMS" for "panic" in her talk.)

Hope this helps in some way. Wishing you well.[/QUOTE

Dear Pietro, you are like many of us a sensitive person. But this fact is perfectly hidden for us because, as you say, we enjoy a picture of ourselves of being robust. This is because we think we need to be very good and by this we compensate for low self esteeem. And our narcissism, which is a result of early neglect by our parents, is enraged but the fact that we have to be so disciplined and do all the petty things we deep inside us loathe to do. I can feel pain coming up when I need to do administrative work (which I hate) and not being able to follow my research for a while. Do you know why your trip to the tube is a trigger for you?

 

[Pietro Carloni]

Dear Pietro, you are like many of us a sensitive person. But this fact is perfectly hidden for us because, as you say, we enjoy a picture of ourselves of being robust. This is because we think we need to be very good and by this we compensate for low self esteeem. And our narcissism, which is a result of early neglect by our parents, is enraged but the fact that we have to be so disciplined and do all the petty things we deep inside us loathe to do. I can feel pain coming up when I need to do administrative work (which I hate) and not being able to follow my research for a while. Do you know why your trip to the tube is a trigger for you?

Dear Time2be,
It's a demanding question, I've thought a lot about this and the first answer I can give you is that basically I'm afraid of everything (wanna laugh?: that last year I started writing everything that scared me in my life and suddenly I started to be afraid of what I was writing... ).
As for the subway I think it's a conditioning, because one of my first panic attacks happened right on the subway. from that day, for years, I avoided taking it, as I avoided many situations that frightened me.
My life, until last year was characterized by avoidance, avoided looking fears in the face, as I have avoided for years to face myself and my character.
Getting away from oneself is the first step to losing touch with the present, but for some time I have understood that to be well we must be present, we must know each other as best as we can, we must accept what we are, as we are, because we can not be otherwise .
I've been feeling better for a week, I'm trying to make peace with myself, I'm trying to enjoy every day, without fear.
A hug