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Really struggling! someone help me

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Natalie Kovak, Apr 22, 2013.

  1. Natalie Kovak

    Natalie Kovak Peer Supporter

    Thank you for writing. Wow that sounds terrible to me though. I can't imagine 2 more years with this, especially if I want to start veterinary school this fall, which is going to be the same difficulty and time requirement as medical school. The thought of trying to manage it successfully and still with this amount of pain is so terrifying. So, I hate to say this but I actually feel less confident now that you've said that. But I know you were trying to put things into perspective. Why is it that some people heal so quickly then? Why can't we all be like that?

    I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Thank you for reaching out to me. Sometimes I wish that this all started for me after I am all done with school so that I can work on it with less pressure on myself time-wise. I am looking into a therapist in my area, because I think it might be helpful to work on the emotional baggage with another person who will help pull it out of me or search for things I wouldn't consider. I don't know if this is going over-board with this, but just maybe it will help things move along at a better pace. I wish you a low-pain or No-pain day today.
  2. UnknownStuntman

    UnknownStuntman Peer Supporter

    Hi Natalie,
    I can highly recommend the Claire Weekes CDs you asked about. Within just a couple of weeks of listening to them every day, they helped me to loose a lot of the additional tension I put on myself BESIDES the symptoms (as if the symptoms aren't enough). No point being tense about tension or depressed about depression.
    gailnyc likes this.
  3. CMA

    CMA Peer Supporter

    Hi Natalie
    Sorry to hear your pain and anxiety about recovering. I can completely relate. I would urge you to try to get the Anxiety and Depression workbook from your library. This is the one:
    Read it, it has some exercises that are fairly easy to overcome anxiety. Also Claire Weekes tapes are just a great support to keep listening to. As Unknown Stuntman said it really helps understand and avoid secondary symptoms. Please take care and keep posting. I am sure you will overcome this and make progress
    veronica73 likes this.
  4. Natalie Kovak

    Natalie Kovak Peer Supporter

    Thank you for all the support! I am going to listen to Claire Weekes tonight. And I appreciate the workbook suggestion CMA, I am probably going to order taht one as well. :) I have my Mind-body class tonight with Dr. Stracks, using the Unlearn Your Pain workbook by Dr. Schubiner. Maybe I will get some good insight about my tough week tonight as well. Thanks again, I hope you are all feeling well today!
    Karen likes this.
  5. Karen

    Karen Peer Supporter

    Best wishes Natalie!! You are definitely on the right road! You go girl!!! :)
    Natalie Kovak likes this.
  6. Natalie Kovak

    Natalie Kovak Peer Supporter

    Thanks Karen! We are all fighters!
    Karen likes this.
  7. gailnyc

    gailnyc Well known member

    Dear Natalie,
    I didn't mean to make you feel bad! And I didn't mean to suggest you will actually be in pain for two more years! I just meant I think you have to have the attitude that it might take a long time, but you will be patient. It seems like people who are in a rush to get better put a lot of pressure on themselves, increase their anxiety, and end up taking longer to heal.

    However, I should say this is not true for everyone. I am reading Fred Amir's book and he put a lot of pressure on himself, set goals for himself, etc., and he did get better quickly. So I guess different things work for different people.
  8. Natalie Kovak

    Natalie Kovak Peer Supporter

    It's alright Gail! I didn't mean to make you feel bad either. I just need to learn to have patience like you said, it's difficult when you feel like you are on a clock. But I will have to try to let that go as well. I actually ordered Fred Amir's book too, so I should be getting that soon. Thank you for writing to me and being helpful! I'm so glad I have a group of people to talk with who completely understand. :)
  9. Friendlygal12

    Friendlygal12 New Member

    Hi Natalie,
    Gee whiz, I hope things are a bit better for you today. I was following along with the conversation yesterday and feeling terribly that you had not found any relief yet. Yesterday as I was listening to Schubiner's meditation CD while driving to and from work I dedicated a section to you, where we are supposed to say positive affirmations encouraging the other person to forgive him/herself. It seems like you put a lot of pressure on yourself (I do this, too).
    Have you considered yoga? For me, it is like mindfulness in action.
    Best of luck on your journey.
    Leslie likes this.
  10. Natalie Kovak

    Natalie Kovak Peer Supporter

    Hi there Friendlygal,
    Thank you for thinking of me while meditating yesterday. That really means a lot to me. Maybe that's why I am feeling a little better today, a little more functional, which I need to recognize and be happy about when I have better days. I have thought about yoga now that I have started this new journey to healing. For a long time I gave up on exercise, which is similar to most of you I'm sure. I used to exercise 6 days a week, love it. I am now trying to do at least some type of exercise even if it's minor things on the floor, because I need to get back to normal activities again. But yoga is a good idea. I will have to look into places near me that offer classes that aren't terribly expensive. I've heard it can be pricey. I hope you are feeling great today, and again thank you for reaching out to me and thinking of me through meditation, a complete stranger, absolutely amazing. I am working on having more patience with myself and understanding that I may not improve quickly. Take care and I will surely continue chatting with you all through this!
  11. Leslie

    Leslie Well known member

    Hi Natalie
    I hope you continue on the upward track today! I agree with Friendlygal's yoga suggestion, but you don't have to become the world's best yogi in order for it to be effective. Classes can be expensive, resulting in additional stress and pressure and completely defeating the purpose of trying the yoga to begin with. You can find lots of free videos on Youtube. There are videos there with poses specifically for relieving anxiety and depression that I have found very effective. Rodney Yee also has a dvd that costs less than $20 called Yoga for Beginners, which also includes a whole segment that specifically shows you exactly how to do each pose in the routines.

    Your posts sound so much like me I'm worried for you! I doubt very much that you even realize how much pressure you are putting on yourself. Do you realize that in less than 72 hours you added at least 3 books, a few cd's, and a couple "classes" to your 'to do' list? I also did that when I first started. I became overwhelmed very quickly and my body let me know it. I had the idea that the "answer" was on the next page, or the next chapter, or in the next book. The answer is actually inside you. There is an abundance of wonderful resources out there and you will find useful information in most of them, but the benefits will be minimal if you approach your TMS healing like a semester of vet school. The "pain-free" day does not depend on the successful, perfect completion of the syllabus. Spend some time with each of these book. You've got enough educational material in your possession or on it's way to take you easily through the next 9 months. Tell your dedicated student side that she is not wanted for the TMS healing. You will find the results to be far quicker and most beneficial if you let "Natalie on vacation" take the lead with the TMS healing. Read about it as you would read while you're on vacation, not with an intended specified goal (have to) but for relaxation (want to). TMS healing is a much needed, well deserved break from the stresses and pressures we have all put on ourselves to heal. Throw out the "to do" lists and just enjoy getting to know the "you" that has been buried deep inside for a long time. It helps me to think about the calendar in "vacation mode" also. I have yet to meet someone who watches the clock or the calendar while on vacation, anxiously waiting for the end to arrive to go back to work. The healing actually happens when you're not "working at it", when you're not "watching for it", when you least expect it.

    Spend some time with Natalie. Be her friend, get to know her (you'll like her! I know I think she's great and I'm glad to know her!). Try journaling about nothing in particular once in a while, I find that's when I actually "unearth" something that is more relevant to my pain. All the TMS authors agree that the hurts and angers we're consciously aware of do not make up much of (if any at all) of the cause of the symptoms. It's the stuff we don't even know we're hurt or angry about. The other day I sat with my journal and I wrote the words "I forgive you" on the first line of the page. I had no one in particular in mind to journal about. After I wrote the words I sat for a few minutes with the pen touching the paper, waiting for the next words to show up on the page. I was truly surprised with the name that showed up on the page following "I forgive you". It was someone I have known for most of my life and I didn't even know I was angry with her. As I just let the words flow the hurtful mean things she had said and done to me in junior high (that I had not consciously remembered until then) all came out on the page. This was a person I considered to be a friend and who had not shown up on any TMS list I had made. As I was writing my pain intensified -- and I was happy for that because I knew I was definitely in my "TMS stuff"!

    I hope you are well, that your day is filled with sunshine and self-compassion!
    gailnyc, Karen and yb44 like this.
  12. yb44

    yb44 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Leslie, you so deserve the subtitle, TMS Guru.

    Natalie, I do reformer Pilates once a week with a small group of people. We do our own routines. I work-out next to a young woman who looks as fit and healthy as anyone I have seen. She is a tiny little thing with a figure I envy. And she has had at least two kids. Every week she is telling the instructor she has something wrong with her. This hurts, that hurts. She has had all sorts of scans, x-rays and treatments. The instructor makes various suggestions about what things are and what she could do and must not do about it. When she nodded yes when asked if she had ever experienced sciatica, I was convinced. I want to get her by the shoulders, make her pay close attention to me and say, honey, I am not a doctor but I would swear on my life there is nothing wrong with you. Please accept that. It hurts me and upsets me to see you in pain, anxious about your pain, not doing the activities you love (like running) because you think you are damaged and will do further damage.

    I get this same feeling with you, Natalie. You are healthy, fit, smart, have people in your life who love you and are on a journey of discovery with many TMS well-wishers supporting you and cheering you on. Please accept and embody the notion that you will overcome your fears, doubts and eventually your symptoms.
    Karen likes this.
  13. Natalie Kovak

    Natalie Kovak Peer Supporter

    You are all amazing!! :) I agree with your comment yb44, Leslie does deserve that label. Thank you for taking the time to write such long and encouraging messages. I can't tell you how much it means to me, and I feel myself changing my attitude slowly. I am feeling better today, the best that I have all week, and that is wonderful. I read some of Fred Amir's book today and it really encouraged me even more, just as all of your words continue to encourage me. I forced myself to go for a walk yesterday, even though I was in a lot of pain, and I pushed myself through telling myself that I am strong and healthy. I felt a little better after the walk and came home to do some floor exercises even. This is huge for me and exciting. I actually didn't do any journaling or any of the daily tasks from Dr. Schubiner's book yesterday, because I just didn't make the time for it, and I was O.K. with that, I didn't let myself get bothered about it or feel guilty for not completing the "assignments." I did listen to a little of Claire Weekes yesterday and enjoyed some of her advice, working on applying that to myself.
    yb44- I actually used to do Pilates like a crazy person! I love it. It's one of my favorite activities, but I've stopped due to this pain. I'm really good friends with my instructor, and I decided with her that I am going to try to get started up again next week. The fact that I have my mind set on goals is promising. I also have a goal to start running again as well, not sure when that will be because it does make me nervous, but again I am working on overcoming that fear.

    As for now, I am going to just take things one day at a time, Really tell myself to Stop worrying about down the road, especially school. Changes are going to have to happen its own pace. I don't think I would have come to a better understanding of this if it weren't for posting this thread and receiving all of your comments. I will continue to use this resource as an outlet for support. So grateful and happy to be a part of it.

    Wishing you all the best of days and sending healthy & positive thoughts to all my fellow TMSers! (and to myself!)
    Leslie and Karen like this.
  14. Karen

    Karen Peer Supporter

    This is so encouraging Natalie!! I am so happy to read this today!! I think you and I might be 'neck in neck' right now. I haven't felt this good for such a long time!! Just sitting here reading what everyone is posting.. the advice.. the encouragement!!! It's wonderful! Let's keep our fingers crossed and keep doing all the work. I'm trying so hard now to have fun with it...it's become like a new game to me!! I feel like I'm the heroin' in my own movie!!

    I am sooo glad you are doing better today!! Hug!
  15. Natalie Kovak

    Natalie Kovak Peer Supporter

    Hi Karen!
    Sorry I never responded, but thanks for cheering me on! I hope you continue to feel better and optimistic each day as well. Don't let the bumps in the road get you down either! I tend to do that, I feel like I take backward steps. But I have to remind myself that we are human and bumps are allowed! Hope you are feeling great today!

    I wanted to post a song for everyone that has helped me get through some really tough days!!! It makes me feel better and encouraged. I think its beautiful! Enjoy!
    Karen likes this.
  16. Gigi

    Gigi Well known member

    Natalie and Eddie,
    My heart goes out to you both. I DO know that this program works, but it's hard to see that when the pain is oppressive. Claire Weekes' book was recommended to me as well, as a way to cope with horrible tension headaches. As soon as one starts, the fear returns because they're SO painful. But I've found help through Fred Amir's book, Sarno's books, and the support of people on this forum.
    Be gentle with yourself. The healing will come.
  17. Natalie Kovak

    Natalie Kovak Peer Supporter

    Thanks so much Gigi. It is so encouraging to hear these things from other people. I am feeling much more optimistic and confident this week. Trying to focus on today, rather than tomorrow or next month. Hope you are having a great day!
  18. CMA

    CMA Peer Supporter

    SO glad to hear you are doing better this week Natalie..keep going and good luck
    Natalie Kovak likes this.
  19. Dear Lianne

    Dear Lianne Peer Supporter

    Natalie -

    Leslie's insight was so spot on - amazing about the "false messages" we send our subconscious (i.e., the no pain free moments comment that wound up not being entirely fact).

    Is there something about Vet School that is causing you tremendous angst? Did you ever plan to be a physician like your father, or did you always know you were meant for Vet School? I can see in one of your posts that you are very anxious to please others - as you know, a strong TMS characteristic. Maybe your higher self is trying to tell you something regarding your schooling.

    Maybe a visit to a horse farm for healing yourself by simply being with a beautiful horse - maybe that would be most helpful? I am sincere here - I just had this image of a brown horse in my mind, so I thought I would write this to you :)

  20. Natalie Kovak

    Natalie Kovak Peer Supporter

    Hi Lianne,

    Thanks for writing to me and sharing your advice. I don't think I've ever wanted to be a physician like my father, if anything I didn't want to be like him. But as far as Vet school, I know that I have anxiety about starting because it's going to be very very difficult and I tend to not give myself enough credit. I fear not being able to do well enough. This probably stems from my constant need to please my parents (dad specifically) ever since I was a child, never feeling good enough, and putting extreme pressures on myself to always do better. I recognize this now. It is possible that this is why the pain started end of last summer right before school was starting for me, and I had to defer then. Maybe this was my subconscious' way of preventing me from going, preventing me from feeling that fear of failure? By not even going, I'm not even in the game, so I don't have to go through those emotions of pressure, high expectations, worry that I will not achieve. I am not sure if this is on the right track, but I am working on this anyways. It's funny that you bring up the horses, because we are actually going to see some horses very soon. I'm looking forward to it :)

    Take care!

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