Ready to heal

My story began 17 years ago. It was just after my twentieth birthday when I started making significant changes in my life. 6'2 150 lb I began applying some much needed direction, I became inspired... I turned to weight lifting and martial arts to build my confidence and low self-esteem. As I gradually excelled so did my ambition to do more.

I continued to what seem to be a positive journey making incredible improvements along the way. I took to writing. Being dyslexic and finishing 110 out of 115 in my class I felt this statistic should no longer hunt me. Once again, inspiration arose and I answered.

The dramatic changes in my life required self-discipline and focus. I was incredibly hard on myself. I believe I had to makeup for lost time. It was explained to me at an early age I would need to work twice as hard as the other students academically. This explanation was instilled into my mind and I began applied it to everything. I demanded a lot of myself physically and mentally. Failure was not an option. I entered college with the same enthusiasm and focus. Looking back now burning out was inevitable.

After just 10 months, I would injure my lower back doing a military press. My first response was to blame my spotter, and then my frail body. The blame game would continue. The pain never subsided. The MRI revealed a herniated disc in my lumber spine. My muscles tightened all the way up my neck and I was in constant pain. Weightlifting was no longer possible. I was still able to practice martial arts; however, the pain increased after each session. That soon came to an end. Physical therapy was prescribed, and then chiropractic, then acupuncture... But nothing seemed to be working. I had bad days and days which I was allowed to get by.

One year later I was involved in a car accident. My neck stiffened from the whiplash. It didn't help the person who hit me was my girlfriend, (no she didn't do it on purpose). The emotional impact was overwhelming. Three days later I became emotionally discharged, the tank was empty. This is when the headaches began. I became emotionally disconnected and physically impaired.

A neurology examination showed nothing wrong with my brain; however, the Dr. was unable to explain the headaches. An MRI of my neck showed deteriorating discs and vertebrate arthritis. And once again another cycle of PT and so on. I assumed this is my life, pain, depression, and anxiety was endless. I stayed away from painkillers.

I continued my studies starting with community college and worked my way to NYU film school. I always had an ounce of hope. Maybe there's an end to the madness. I tried almost everything, traditional medicine, alternative medicine, diets, core exercises, meditation, etc.

Things went from bad to worst in Nov 2015 when lifting a baby carriage. Shortly after my arm was in tremendous pain as well as my upper back muscles. I never experience such pain and panicked. Two of my fingers went numb and I had 5% strength in my right arm.

An MRI revealed C6 and C7 moderate disc herniation. I found an acupuncturist who was able to contained the swelling. I asked myself one question: "How did I get here?" And this has been my life for the past 17 years.

I heard of John Sarno and his book Healing Back Pain from an interview with Kevin Nealon. I did an overwhelming amount of research finding, videos, testimonies, and other books, Dr. Sarno's DVD, and the TMS Wiki forum.

Dr. Sarno is retired now but his successor Dr. Rashbaum has taken over Sarno's practice. Dr. Rashbaum diagnose me with TMS and now I begin my journey of undoing the damage I have had to live with for so many years. At the root of it all fear, insecurity, guilt/shame, hunt me day after day.

It has taken me forever and a day to write this letter and introduce myself to the forum. I am 37 years old and my dream of being a filmmaker isn’t lost; however, I am truly burnt out. My injury, (TMS) has jeopardized my relationship with people, and employment opportunities.

I ask to please keep me patient, and guide me through this transition. I thank you and I look forward to helping where I can.

Kevin

 

Excellent post, Kevin. Welcome to the Forum! Please keep us informed of how you're doing and reach out for support when needed. We are all here to support one another.

 

Great post. I can relate to a lot of what you're describing. I love seeing your ambition, especially considering your age. I'm only 24 and it really inspires me to see someone your age who is unwilling to give up.

 

Wonderful post. Welcome to the forum!

Have you started the SEP and journaling yet?

Sounds like you have have enormous drive to better yourself - coupled with a little kindness and self-love this will be a winning combination.

 

My Mother is dyslexic. Reading and writing are a great challenge for her but she has made a wonderful and very successful life for herself. She is a psychotherapist and illustrator who travels all over the world teaching workshops.
She just got back from 3 weeks in Sicily & Malta.

She has found a way to base her life on her gifts: compassion, vision, creativity, and wisdom

LexyLucy

 

Welcome Kevin! For me, getting rid of the pain was the easy part. It's the psychological that beats me down. My ability to go from nearly invincible to fully overwhelmed in the blink of an eye is impressive. Anxiety, depression, ptsd...Yup, all of it. But these things can be overcome, and we can retrain our minds. I'm confident that you'll find plenty of support here

 

Healing is yours for the taking, don't over complicate the process. Your body and mind are fine.

Ryan

 

Thank you, Ellen. I will definitely need the support.

best
KH

 

Mr Rage, I've been through a lot mentally. Let me know if you need any information or advise. i'm here.

 

Thank you for the overwhelming support. I have been journaling; however, I'm not quite sure what SEP is? Please explain.

kh

 

Dear Mad,
Thank you for sharing. I can certainly understand your circumstances. What techniques did you find worked best for you?

thank you in advance
KH

 

SEP = Structured Educational Program = http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Structured_Educational_Program (Structured Educational Program)

 

Lots of journaling and meditation. I'm also working to add positive affirmations. My biggest tool is being conscious of what I'm experiencing, and being mindful of my reactions.

 

http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Structured_Educational_Program (Structured Educational Program)

the Structural Education Program is a daily check in full of vidoes, success stories, and journaling exercises. Very helpful in early recovery