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Progress, setback, hope, fear

cafe_bustelo

cafe_bustelo

Well known member
Ach. Things have been crazy the last 24 hours. I was getting to a place of consistency and feeling like I really was coming out of this. Symptoms were pretty mellow.

While on a run last night I had the thought "I can't believe I ever thought this could be structural; I'm fine and this is going to be gone soon." I really was feeling good. Then later that evening I moved in a certain way and felt a scary sharp pain and my brain immediately went "oh no, it's reinjury!" without me even having a chance to shut it down. I calmed myself and went to bed but woke up at 4am in a total panic, feeling symptoms that felt just like the early days of TMS, worrying that it was starting all over again, that it had been an injury after all. Thankfully my girlfriend talked me down and said the right thing to get me go back to sleep.

I've been really delving into journaling and confronting some big shadows in my life. Stuff that was labeled "do not go there" in my brain. It has felt relieving to get it out and I feel like it has actually been driving some of my reductions in symptoms, but I've coincidentally, or not coincidentally been waking up drenched in sweat the last couple nights. I don't know if that's the subconscious or my evening runs or work stress or what, but something is going on.

Today I eventually got back to believing that I'm not injured, and probably never was, but the fear did its work and I'm having a bit of a flare up that I'm just trying to breathe and move through.

Anyway sorry for the rant. I don't know what's happening, but at least I'm not stuck.
 
HealingMe said:
It’ll take a little bit for your system to settle down. You’re doing great!

Progress is not linear. And making mistakes is expected, and doesn’t start you back at zero, keep that in mind!

How you bounced back sends a powerful message to your brain.
Click to expand...

Thank you. Feels like my brain realized I was really starting to not care about the symptoms and threw a new/old one at me to keep me scared. Classic TMS behavior but damn it if I’m not scared all the same.
 
I am in the exact place!
I had a terrible day yesterday…today was great but then came this evening and symptoms ramped up. I’ve spent the last hour looking up pain clinics & specialists
My mind racing to what if worst case scenarios.
Jekyll & Hide lives within!
It’s mentally draining
 
It’s not fun. But I think I’m getting over this wave of fear at least, even if the symptoms linger for a day or two. I’ve been through enough good-ish weeks and enough obvious triggers for bad flares that I can clearly see these aren’t really *pain* flares, they’re fear and anxiety flares. I mean obviously pain happens too, but the former is the driver for it.

I think the idea is it gets less mentally draining with more practice responding to your symptoms without fear. But that’s hard to do when you’re in a flare.
 
I’m remembering other skills I’ve learned in my life and how incredibly long it’s taken me to learn them, and for the deeper understanding to sink in. Playing music is a big part of my life and that sure as hell is a never ending cycle of learning. Why would this be any different?

I’d add that I’m a slow learner, and that’s fine. With other things once I get them down I truly have them forever.
 
cafe_bustelo said:
Ach. Things have been crazy the last 24 hours. I was getting to a place of consistency and feeling like I really was coming out of this. Symptoms were pretty mellow.

While on a run last night I had the thought "I can't believe I ever thought this could be structural; I'm fine and this is going to be gone soon." I really was feeling good. Then later that evening I moved in a certain way and felt a scary sharp pain and my brain immediately went "oh no, it's reinjury!" without me even having a chance to shut it down. I calmed myself and went to bed but woke up at 4am in a total panic, feeling symptoms that felt just like the early days of TMS, worrying that it was starting all over again, that it had been an injury after all. Thankfully my girlfriend talked me down and said the right thing to get me go back to sleep.

I've been really delving into journaling and confronting some big shadows in my life. Stuff that was labeled "do not go there" in my brain. It has felt relieving to get it out and I feel like it has actually been driving some of my reductions in symptoms, but I've coincidentally, or not coincidentally been waking up drenched in sweat the last couple nights. I don't know if that's the subconscious or my evening runs or work stress or what, but something is going on.

Today I eventually got back to believing that I'm not injured, and probably never was, but the fear did its work and I'm having a bit of a flare up that I'm just trying to breathe and move through.

Anyway sorry for the rant. I don't know what's happening, but at least I'm not stuck.
Click to expand...

Great work! I've related quite heavily to a couple of your posts now.

The first part is a bit of a yo-yo effect. That happened to me I would say at least 30 times. You're feeling good and hope rises after feeling really good on a run - then later it hits you again and there's a lot of disappointment. The way I explain this is you got excited and wanted to hold onto that feeling (fair enough), but what that did is it made your brain a lot more alert and susceptible. That sharp pain probably wouldn't have happened if you were in your normal, daily pain state so to speak. The brain scans more as you are in the energy of thinking you are out of the woods, is it really gone!? So the brain becomes more sensitive and reacts more to anything it finds. Also, and you didn't specify this, but did you go on the run as a way to test the pain. That was a common trap for me too.

Rest assured though as your belief and evidence in TMS rises, this won't happen. Why? It may sound strange but you won't come to judge your success or results on one isolated run (or really exercise at all). As you've hinted at, you know that this is a far broader thing and the pain seems to be a distraction from these "do not go there" emotions and experiences. As you get more into the emotional work, your brain and you won't even go to the idea of "it's re-injury" as you'll be so clear on the link between your emotions and your symptoms. That's the biggest paradigm shift.

You're doing great though and I'm excited for you :)
 
Adam Coloretti (coach) said:
Great work! I've related quite heavily to a couple of your posts now.

The first part is a bit of a yo-yo effect. That happened to me I would say at least 30 times. You're feeling good and hope rises after feeling really good on a run - then later it hits you again and there's a lot of disappointment. The way I explain this is you got excited and wanted to hold onto that feeling (fair enough), but what that did is it made your brain a lot more alert and susceptible. That sharp pain probably wouldn't have happened if you were in your normal, daily pain state so to speak. The brain scans more as you are in the energy of thinking you are out of the woods, is it really gone!? So the brain becomes more sensitive and reacts more to anything it finds. Also, and you didn't specify this, but did you go on the run as a way to test the pain. That was a common trap for me too.

Rest assured though as your belief and evidence in TMS rises, this won't happen. Why? It may sound strange but you won't come to judge your success or results on one isolated run (or really exercise at all). As you've hinted at, you know that this is a far broader thing and the pain seems to be a distraction from these "do not go there" emotions and experiences. As you get more into the emotional work, your brain and you won't even go to the idea of "it's re-injury" as you'll be so clear on the link between your emotions and your symptoms. That's the biggest paradigm shift.

You're doing great though and I'm excited for you :)
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Thanks Adam, it's reassuring to hear that what I'm encountering is nothing new from a mind-body perspective.

That does feel like an accurate description of what happened—I was holding tightly to the feeling of being better. I've been working on my outcome indifference in the negative direction, but it stands to reason that it might take practice to become indifferent to the especially good days too. I wasn't specifically trying to test the pain with this run, but I'm definitely finding it difficult to find the line between running as exercise and a reason to move my body vs. running as a method to fix my pain. I don't know what the answer is there yet—I enjoy running, and swimming, but wasn't doing either of them before I started to have pain, so some part of me may be connecting these activities with danger. At the same time I've discovered that I really like doing both, and the feeling of being more active/a little more in shape.
 
Ovid said:
I am in the exact place!
I had a terrible day yesterday…today was great but then came this evening and symptoms ramped up. I’ve spent the last hour looking up pain clinics & specialists
My mind racing to what if worst case scenarios.
Jekyll & Hide lives within!
It’s mentally draining
Click to expand...

When this has been happening to me recently, I remember that what I do today is sinking in to my body for tomorrow.

For me, its toxic facebook groups... when I spend time in those, I end up in bad flares.... then I laugh at myself at the obviousness of my symptoms. Of course I'm going to be scared when everyone on those groups are talking about cervical instability or nerve injuries that never go away blah blah blah. Most of the people on there have the exact same symptoms as me and it leads me down the path of ahhhhhh I must be broken................................ until I realise that the majority of people on there probably also have TMS, so of course they have the same symptoms as me :banghead:;)

Wishing you peace and space for healing :)
 
This afternoon I experienced a strong wave of fear where I suddenly went into doubting again completely. I've been dealing with increased symptoms all week and while I've been telling myself "we know it's TMS because of x, y, and z" I haven't been actually reviewing my evidence and reading success stories, and consequently haven't actually been believing myself. When I finally got past my resistance to actually just do that, load up on evidence again, my fear and anxiety settled down, and of course so too has the pain somewhat. I'm reminding myself this is not forever and tomorrow will be better.

How the hell do I ever convince myself that it's anything but TMS when there's such a clear correlation of symptoms with fear that they can flare and recede literally within minutes? I don't know. I used to take care of horses, and I feel like the problem is my brain is like a horse that's too smart; it knows how to escape the enclosure (of safety...?) and get itself into trouble running all over the place.
 
For myself it’s evidence over time, that there is a definite emotional connection. An evidence sheet helped at first, but now it’s awareness. It has also been that I don’t care and/ or doesn’t matter if it’s physical because no physical treatment led to the end of pain, so why even bother with that route? It was of no use, and I found that even if I still attend to symptoms, the actual fixation on the cause has faded. That fixation caused stress, and I need to just put a lot of the stress thoughts out of my mind.
Over time, you’ll see what fades for you. What’s left is where you keep up the good work. Try not to get too frustrated and just gently observe how your mind works.
 
cafe_bustelo said:
This afternoon I experienced a strong wave of fear where I suddenly went into doubting again completely. I've been dealing with increased symptoms all week and while I've been telling myself "we know it's TMS because of x, y, and z" I haven't been actually reviewing my evidence and reading success stories, and consequently haven't actually been believing myself. When I finally got past my resistance to actually just do that, load up on evidence again, my fear and anxiety settled down, and of course so too has the pain somewhat. I'm reminding myself this is not forever and tomorrow will be better.

How the hell do I ever convince myself that it's anything but TMS when there's such a clear correlation of symptoms with fear that they can flare and recede literally within minutes? I don't know. I used to take care of horses, and I feel like the problem is my brain is like a horse that's too smart; it knows how to escape the enclosure (of safety...?) and get itself into trouble running all over the place.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself as we all have a biological bias (and it is conditioned socially also) to associate symptoms = damage. It is important that we have this as well because it means that we check things and keep ourselves healthy and alive (this was obviously more important back in the day too before modern medicine). This bias is also not logical and is very much a primal and instinctual thing - so that explains to me why you feel as if it is going against all possible logic. It is evidence over time as Cactusflower said and also consistency in sending yourself that message over time.

You can overcome the bias so to speak (or enough so that at least for your specific symptoms you don't go to a structural explanation)- but I mean like I alluded to the bias isn't inherently bad. I am at that point now where I have overcome the bias for symptoms I know are TMS - but if something new comes up I'm still going to freak out a little bit and likely get it checked out (unless I'm certain it's TMS) - I don't see this as a bad thing. Once you have the TMS knowledge and education, that's the most important thing for moving forward with whatever comes up :)
 
cafe_bustelo said:
This afternoon I experienced a strong wave of fear where I suddenly went into doubting again completely. I've been dealing with increased symptoms all week and while I've been telling myself "we know it's TMS because of x, y, and z" I haven't been actually reviewing my evidence and reading success stories, and consequently haven't actually been believing myself. When I finally got past my resistance to actually just do that, load up on evidence again, my fear and anxiety settled down, and of course so too has the pain somewhat. I'm reminding myself this is not forever and tomorrow will be better.

How the hell do I ever convince myself that it's anything but TMS when there's such a clear correlation of symptoms with fear that they can flare and recede literally within minutes? I don't know. I used to take care of horses, and I feel like the problem is my brain is like a horse that's too smart; it knows how to escape the enclosure (of safety...?) and get itself into trouble running all over the place.
Click to expand...
I totally get what you're describing. That sudden flip from "I know it's TMS" to "but what if it's not?" even though you recognise the evidence that it is TMS — feels so real and scary.

I love your horse metaphor. Your brain really is a clever horse that’s learned how to jump the fence and bolt at the first whiff of danger, even when the field is safe. When you reviewed your evidence and success stories, you walked that horse back into the paddock and showed it, “Look, the gate’s closed, there’s no predator, you’re okay.” No wonder your fear, anxiety, and pain all settled a bit.

One thing that might help with this “too-smart-for-its-own-good” brain is afformations — invented by Noah St. John (in his book The Book of Afformations®, which tells the story of how he came up with them in 1997). Instead of affirmations like “I am safe” that your scared brain can argue with, afformations are short questions like “Why am I safe right now?” Your brain is wired to answer questions, so it starts quietly looking for proof — memories of symptoms easing, 'all clear' test results, success stories, reasons this is TMS, not danger.

Here are a few examples of ones you could try (say them gently, maybe with a hand on your chest over your heart because research has shown the brain interprets that as a hug):

“Why am I safe right now?”
“Why am I safe even though my symptoms are loud right now?”
“Why is it just TMS noise?”
“Why is my brain and body calming already?”
“Why is pain fading as I breathe?”
“Why is tomorrow already easier?”

You don’t have to force belief — just ask and let small answers bubble up: “Because it eased after success stories… because symptoms track my fear… because I’ve seen this before.” Or it might instead just feel like a calm knowing settling in (which is the way it feels and works for me). Over time, you’re training that smart horse-brain that the safest place is inside the fence. (Those last couple keep your mind future-oriented and hopeful, supporting self-soothing.)

And I love your ending btw: “This is not forever and tomorrow will be better.” That’s a quiet, powerful signal of safety in itself and could be turned into an afformation: “Why is tomorrow going to be better?"
 
P.S. Further to my posting (above) about afformations, in case they are of interest to you (or to anyone else for that matter) Dan Buglio talks about them in his YouTube video below. As someone pointed out though in the comments under the video, he got it wrong when he says that you can ask 'how" questions/afformations, when they should actually always be "why" questions/afformations.

Why "Why" over "How": "Why" afformations (e.g., "Why am I confident?") assume the positive state is already true, prompting your brain to find supporting evidence. "How" questions focus on steps, triggering doubt like "I don't know how".

Why the brain accepts "Why": It treats them as curiosity-driven puzzles to solve, bypassing resistance unlike statements or "how" queries that invite argument.

I post about afformations with huge thanks (as they are profoundly helping me personally, especially since I've recently been using them throughout the day whenever any symptoms appear) to @HealingMe who first posted about them on these forums.

 
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Thank you all for responding, I wish I had more time to reply this morning but I’m finding this all very helpful. I did see that video from Dan and I was actually trying out afformations to some success, but often it seems when I have a flare and/or get scared I tend to throw everything I’ve been doing that’s “working” out the window, which is understandable maybe but not the most helpful.

It’s calming me down to recognize that it makes sense that my fear isn’t coming from the logical part of my brain, that that too is “logical,” haha.

Part of the fear right now is that this flare just keeps going and with no clear trigger or point of onset I don’t know how to avoid it or resolve it which of course is putting my brain into hyper vigilant mode and continuing the vicious cycle. I am working on just accepting it and reminding myself I am okay and this will pass just as every other longer flare has in the past, even when I didn’t believe they would.
 
Actually, on second thought! There was no clear *physical* trigger, but emotionally there were at least a few things that added up around my perfectionism and needing to be liked at the beginning of the week. So this is really just more evidence in the TMS bucket.
 
cafe_bustelo said:
but often it seems when I have a flare and/or get scared I tend to throw everything I’ve been doing that’s “working” out the window, which is understandable maybe but not the most helpful
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It's understandable (and most of we TMSers have done the same) but, of course, that's exactly what your TMSing brain wants you to do. It's persistence with mind/body work that pays off in the long run (perhaps you could think of it as 'brain whispering' instead of 'horse whispering')...

"Why is my leg/hip/back (or wherever the pain may be) peaceful and comfortable?"... rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat... ;)

I wish you a speedy release from your flare.
 
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