Day 33 Positive changes and setbacks and perfectionism

[homorobothead]

Hello my fellow pain pilgrims!

So, the SEP today was about perfectionism and at the same time suggested that I write about positive changes that I have noticed in my life.

I turned that over and over in my head, because this past week I had a couple of "setbacks" where I got a little discouraged, but then as I was thinking about positive changes coupled with perfectionism, I realized that I had taken a couple of huge steps forward NOT backward.

The first was last week, I had a panic attack because I had a very slight bloody nose. My mind went into panic mode immediately thinking that I had a perforated septum because I had been using a steroid nasal spray and that I would need surgery and I had a huge hole in my septum and soon my nose would collapse, you know The Spiral. I started to go down the Google doom hole, but about 8 minutes in I STOPPED MYSELF. I decided to do a guided meditation where I did progressive muscle relaxation and actually STOPPED MY PANIC ATTACK.

That day, I felt a little discouraged because I had a panic attack and reverted back to some old destructive habits, but then I realized that was my perfectionism talking.

Meaning, I caught the thought pattern: 'if only I hadn't had a panic attack in the first place, if only I didn't Google AT ALL, then I could call this a success.' When really I should be throwing myself a little celebration, because holy smokes, I made huge progress that day! I used to spend all day long Googling frantically, feeling tight and scared, but this time I was able to calm myself in the space of 20 minutes.

We went down to the coast this weekend for the first time since I've had several pain free days in a row, and surprise, surprise, I got a little neck tightness because the food wasn't very good (someone really scrambled those oysters) and I got worried because if the food isn't very good, sometimes my husband will get upset at me and act like I'm going to throw a fit, even though I have never in my life even said anything. (His mother was kind of an embarassing tyrant in restaurants - so I think that's what it is).

So, I generally just shut up and don't say anything in order to avoid upsetting him, and gut whatever gross food is there. I don't want y'all to get the wrong impression, I am not a picky eater at all (liver and onions lover here), but we only eat out about twice a month, so I guess the stakes are higher (though they really aren't - it's just a matter of perception.)

I started to do the usual avoidance dance and felt my neck getting tighter and tighter, so I just said "I don't think I'm going to eat these oysters." He started his usual "I don't think there's anything wrong with them." So, I just said "you can go ahead and have mine then. I don't want them."

My neck was way looser because I just said "no" instead of trying to please everyone. Would I have preferred that the oysters were perfect? Sure. I love raw oysters. But, they weren't and refusing to eat them was a symbol for my freedom to refuse. The freedom to say "no."

It was a huge step forward, as well. I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. Because even though my anxious thoughts crop up and sometimes I get a jolt of pain, now I know they are only temporary and I can keep employing these tools. I am getting better and better!

Thank you all for reading. May your week be full of joy!

 

[Diana-M]

I started to go down the Google doom hole, but about 8 minutes in I STOPPED MYSELF. I decided to do a guided meditation where I did progressive muscle relaxation and actually STOPPED MY PANIC ATTACK.

refusing to eat them was a symbol for my freedom to refuse. The freedom to say "no."

Woohooo!!! These are two HUGE victories!!!! Super huge! You should be really proud of yourself. Yes, you are getting better and better!

 

[homorobothead]

Thank you, @Diana-M! I saw that you are doing the SEP again. Get it, girl. I can't wait to see all your progress. You do so much cheerleading for everyone, I'm so happy to see you on the field so we can cheer you on too.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Cool narrative, @homorobothead! It's a terrific description of how mental flexibility and self-acceptance can change everything. Along with the will power to Just. Stop.

I haven't yet started Ethan Kross' new book Shift, but I believe it's probably all about how to shift your outlook and/or your attitude. Doing this work successfully really takes a 180-degree shift. Anyway, I've bookmarked this.

Related story: decades ago when my husband and I were dating and talking about moving in together, he suddenly freaked out about losing his identity in our relationship, which was getting pretty serious surprisingly quickly. Except that, especially by age 37, I knew that was not my deal at all. The biggest thing we really appreciated about each other was our extreme independence and mutual ability to have reached our late thirties without being obsessed about not being in a permanent relationship. So it occurred to me to ask him if he was really reacting to our relationship, or was he possibly reacting to old negative memories of some other relationship? Bingo. And it never came up again.

I hope your husband didn't suffer any ill-effects from those oysters! I won't eat 'em even when they're fresh and plump. Give me cooked or smoked, if you please...

 

[homorobothead]

Cool narrative, @homorobothead! It's a terrific description of how mental flexibility and self-acceptance can change everything. Along with the will power to Just. Stop.

I haven't yet started Ethan Kross' new book Shift, but I believe it's probably all about how to shift your outlook and/or your attitude. Doing this work successfully really takes a 180-degree shift. Anyway, I've bookmarked this.

Related story: decades ago when my husband and I were dating and talking about moving in together, he suddenly freaked out about losing his identity in our relationship, which was getting pretty serious surprisingly quickly. Except that, especially by age 37, I knew that was not my deal at all. The biggest thing we really appreciated about each other was our extreme independence and mutual ability to have reached our late thirties without being obsessed about not being in a permanent relationship. So it occurred to me to ask him if he was really reacting to our relationship, or was he possibly reacting to old negative memories of some other relationship? Bingo. And it never came up again.

I hope your husband didn't suffer any ill-effects from those oysters! I won't eat 'em even when they're fresh and plump. Give me cooked or smoked, if you please...

@JanAtheCPA, damn you've always got dat good advice. I'm definitely going to ask him if he's reacting to old negative memories of some other relationship when this comes up again, instead of repeating the same silly patterns.

No ill effects! Though he (and he's so good about this) later said "those oysters were pretty gross." When someone was cleaning them, they just really scrambled them with the oyster knife, I think.

Let me know how that book goes! I think I'm going to do "The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook" by Dr. Kristen Neff next, because I'm almost done with the SEP.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I think I'm going to do "The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook" by Dr. Kristen Neff next, because I'm almost done with the SEP.

Yes you are! And that's an excellent follow-up topic. I "attended" an audio seminar series on self compassion years ago, which featured individual daily speakers, and she was on the roster, for sure, already well-known for her work.

 

[Cactusflower]

Another option for "workbook" type guides to do the work is the Artists Way. I've had mine since January and have been putting everything else first instead of doing that work

 

[Mtnjac]

So it occurred to me to ask him if he was really reacting to our relationship, or was he possibly reacting to old negative memories of some other relationship?

Happened to me too, only I was the one who was afraid I’d lose my hard-won sense of self. After divorcing my first husband, I bought myself a signet ring with my initials to remind me of never again falling into that trap. When the 10 carat gold initials began to rub away, it triggered my concern that I was losing myself to my new love. At times I probably did. At other times, my independence is exactly what he fell for. We were together 42 years.

 

[berlinale]

@JanAtheCPA, damn you've always got dat good advice. I'm definitely going to ask him if he's reacting to old negative memories of some other relationship when this comes up again, instead of repeating the same silly patterns.

No ill effects! Though he (and he's so good about this) later said "those oysters were pretty gross." When someone was cleaning them, they just really scrambled them with the oyster knife, I think.

Let me know how that book goes! I think I'm going to do "The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook" by Dr. Kristen Neff next, because I'm almost done with the SEP.

Hi my friend. I really love to read that you are doing so great. It is quite inspring. Coincidentally I ordered the book by Kristen Neff just a week ago. So far I can definitely recommend it.

 

[homorobothead]

Hi my friend. I really love to read that you are doing so great. It is quite inspring. Coincidentally I ordered the book by Kristen Neff just a week ago. So far I can definitely recommend it.

@berlinale!

I'm so glad to see you here. How are YOU doing?

I was thinking about you the other day, because (and don't laugh - or maybe do - laughter is good for us) I do these bike rides on my exercise bike where this Austrian couple films their bike rides all over the countryside of Europe, so I can pretend I'm biking in the Alps or whatever, and did one in the vineyards of Bockenheim. I thought immediately, "I wonder how my friend @berlineale is doing?"

I know Berlin and Bockenheim are pretty far from one another, but it was German and sunny and so, so clean and adorable in the little villages they rode through.

I can't wait to read that Kristen Neff book. I love how based in evolutionary biology her strategies are.

Anywho, let me know how it's all going! I'm dying to know.

 

[berlinale]

@homorobothead

Great to hear that you were riding through the vineyards of Bockenheim. I hope you enjoyed it. and no, i did not laugh...but i was smiling big time.

Yes, Berlin and Bockenheim are quite far from one another but compared to distances you are used to in America still relatively close. That reminds me that I still have not found out where you are located in the US although i am really curious about it... I want to know where my beloved TMS friend lives...

I am doing okay. thanks a lot for asking. My stomach issues have not really improved but I am dealing a bit better with it. It seems that these GI issues are a little more persistent but I am trying to stay positive. I do some TMS work daily and I am still convinced I will get there slowly. I had a setback this week though as I had a check in with my knee surgeon and there is a chance that my knee surgery did not work as planned. Unfortunatelly it is clearly a structural damage so the TMS work will not help here and it is currently limiting my physical activities. Nevertheless, it can still improve in the next 6 months so i am trying to be patient here as well. i gues this makes my TMS healing also a bit more complicated and slowly as the knee injury was probably a trigger for my TMS symptoms

I am wishing you (and of course anybody else here in the forum) a great weekend!

 

[Diana-M]

I do some TMS work daily and I am still convinced I will get there slowly

Yes, you will! And maybe even faster than you think!

 

[berlinale]

Yes, you will! And maybe even faster than you think!

Thanks a lot. I admit that i hope for a faster recovery as well.

 

[homorobothead]

@homorobothead

Great to hear that you were riding through the vineyards of Bockenheim. I hope you enjoyed it. and no, i did not laugh...but i was smiling big time.

Yes, Berlin and Bockenheim are quite far from one another but compared to distances you are used to in America still relatively close. That reminds me that I still have not found out where you are located in the US although i am really curious about it... I want to know where my beloved TMS friend lives...

I am doing okay. thanks a lot for asking. My stomach issues have not really improved but I am dealing a bit better with it. It seems that these GI issues are a little more persistent but I am trying to stay positive. I do some TMS work daily and I am still convinced I will get there slowly. I had a setback this week though as I had a check in with my knee surgeon and there is a chance that my knee surgery did not work as planned. Unfortunatelly it is clearly a structural damage so the TMS work will not help here and it is currently limiting my physical activities. Nevertheless, it can still improve in the next 6 months so i am trying to be patient here as well. i gues this makes my TMS healing also a bit more complicated and slowly as the knee injury was probably a trigger for my TMS symptoms

I am wishing you (and of course anybody else here in the forum) a great weekend!

Hey @berlinale!

I didn't realize I hadn't waxed poetic about where I live.

I'm located in a very rural area in coastal Mississippi, the closest town is Saucier, MS. We get hurricanes and tornados here, but it kind of binds the community tightly, so in a way it's nice, if kind of scary. We have these tall pine trees called Loblolly pines and huge twisted oak trees draped in Spanish moss, and the Gulf, where you can ferry out to the barrier islands and bottlenose dolphins will play in the wake of the ferry, and sometimes come close to the swimmers on the beach and spyhop a few yards away. We're only an hour and a half outside of New Orleans (where I lived for ten years) and a lot of my friends live.

It's awesome that you're sticking with the program even though your body wants to take things slowly. I'm glad you're dealing with the stomach stuff better. I know that can't be pleasant, especially since we have to eat to survive!

Yikes! Knee surgery sounds pretty painful and I'm sure every time you get a twinge or jolt from scar tissue, it naturally sets off your nervous system. I'm super proud of you though. You're doing that hard work and once your body heals (because it definitely wants to) you'll have a nice big emotional toolkit to deal with any subsequent pain.

What kinds of activities do you usually enjoy? I really want to go to the Ragnarok Festival in Lichtenfels someday. Germany has the best metal festivals in the world!

 

[berlinale]

Hi @homorobothead

Wow, it sounds pretty idyllic where you live. Seems like a perfect place to recover from TMS. I have never been to Mississippi so far but New Orleans has been on my target list for a long time. If I go there I will let you know and we go dolping swimming! The closest I came so far was Florida.

Hey, i did not know you are "metalhead". I have heard about Ragnarok Festival but never been there. The most famous German metal festival is Wacken Open Air though. It is relatively close to where I grew up (at the baltic sea). It is a huge event and Wacken has become already a kind of brand or trade name. They even organize a cruise tour now, the full metal cruise. I am a music lover myself but not much into metal . The "closest" to metal I come is probably RATM I would say. Other activities I love are sports (limited now due to my knee), travelling/exploring the world, video gaming, being on the ocean. Just like nearly everybody else I guess! How about you?

 

[homorobothead]

Hello @Berlineale!

It is idyllic, but we do have a ton or bugs and it gets HOT here in the summer. Like, 35 C is not uncommon for 4 months or so. We technically have the same climate as Uganda and Okinawa, though our monsoon season is much shorter. But, I love it. I like the heat and would lay out like a lizard if I could, every day.

When I lived in New Orleans, I used to drive Lyft to supplement my income, and had to make sure I had free sunscreen and chilled water for the European tourists. I once had a group of young Irish guys get into my car and they were so sunburned, they looked like smoked salmon. I had to convince them that beer was, in fact, not a hydrating beverage (though they may have been teasing me).

I actually have a few ex-pat German friends (there's a pretty large community here is South Mississippi, interestingly), who are older ladies, and they tell me that American beer has to be weak piss-water otherwise we'd all die of the heat. LOL.

Florida is lovely! It gets a wild reputation, and it deserves it somewhat, but it's because the reporting laws are very lenient there, so all the bizarre news stories get out.

I've heard of Wacken! Gosh, I think The Scorpions played there, so it has a lot of history I'd imagine.

Rage Against the Machine is great. It's funny, because I like a lot of ANGRY music, which explains my little angry internal pain voice. Though, I am very into more folk tradition as well, like Waldruna, Heilung, Batushka, and Sacred Knot. Tool is my ride or die, though.

I've heard The Baltic sea is very cold and that it even freezes sometimes! Did you do a lot of watersports growing up? I wonder if swimming would feel good for your knee? What videogames are you playing? I've been in a bit of a rut lately and could use some recommendations (I just replayed Baldur's Gate as a VERY evil drow).

 

[berlinale]

Hi Rachael,

Wow, I was not aware that you have such weather conditions over there. I just checked your weather report and it looks that you have really nice weather ahead of you. I hope you can enjoy it.

Yes, the Scorpipons played at Wacken several times. They even played last year but people were really disappointed. It seems that their time is over and they should have retired already. I have to admit I have never heard about Waldruna, Heilung etc. but I will check them out at spotify. Tool is indeed great. I have not heard them for a while, but it is a good reminder. How do you like Linkin Park with the new singer? I think they are surpisingly good. My favorite American band is The National though. I just love the voice of the singer.

I think compared to what you are used to, the Baltic sea is probably indeed quite cold. But it hardly ever happens that it actually freezes. I personally cannot really remember when it happened the last time. It must be a long time ago. And the baltic sea is still warmer than the North Sea. The later has better waves though and is rougher which I personally like better.

With regards to video games I play a lot of FIFA (now called EA FC). Right now I play Resident Evil 4 Remake on my Xbox which I can definetely recommend. And I liked Elden Ring a lot.