Dear Patrisia,
yes, that's great what you've written. In one side, I want to "kick" my inner bully too and want to think "I'm enough". But on an other side, I'm scared about that because I have the impression, deep inside, that perfectionnism gives me the courage to do things, to overcome every challenges I face, to go further.... , to always want to be better, to never give up. It's like an energy bomb.
All the people who knows me describes me as perfectionnist, very stronged willing. What if, I am no more like that?? What will I do? My goal is alway to optimize, to perfect things, to make me better and better. It defines me, in a way.
My job is perfect for perfectionnist (accountant). I'm good at it, enjoy when the results are perfect. I enjoy when my colleagues or the people I know say that I make things good. I can't bear to make mistakes. Make errors is for me a catastrophy, I feel ashamed of myself, because it implies that I'm not as good as they think. I have the impression, they are waiting a lot from me and that I have to deliver, whatever it costs. When I do well, I feel very good but this feeling doesn't last very long. When I do not so well, I feel empty and worthless. And then I have to do more and better. I want to be inaccessible, serene, calm in every situation, stable like a rock, ready to help everybody. Of course, I can't be like that. I tried, I failed, and I feel like a fraud.
Since June I have back pain (piriformis syndrom), cannot work because of the pain. I'm not happy about that, have a lot of fear.... I follow as good as I can what Dr. Sarno proposes to cure TMS.
I understand how works perfectionnism and I know how I became like that (thanks therapie, 11 years ago). For some time, I succeed to be more kind with me and to allow me not to be perfect but these last years, I dealed with a lot of problems (mother very ill, father died and kids very ill too) that my old demons became stronger than never. But I think also that they allowed me to help my family, to have enough courage to overcome the problems I faced at that time, instead of falling apart. It made me ill too. How to face this duality?
I'm french and live in Germany. I hope for understanding if I made some wrong choices with the words I use to express myself.
Cathsoe
