New to TMS, desperate to find a solution

Hello. My daughter recommended that I write this out, in hopes of getting some insight into what I'm going through. I really hope to get some help. I'm open to the idea that I have TMS, but I've always thought I had other issues, so I know it may take time to go through the process and fully understand these concepts.

I'm 71 years old. I have had what I guess can be called episodes of unexplained health symptoms twice before. Eight years ago, and then eight years before that. This time, I'm older, so it worries me more, as I am scared that my body cannot handle it again. Each of those two other times, I had unexplained weight loss, as well as being very anxious, hyper and having insomnia. Each of those previous times, I went to all sorts of doctors and they were never able to figure out what was wrong with me. Finally, I self diagnosed myself, thinking I had a problem with the acid/base content of my stomach and that I wasn't digesting my food for some reason. I tried all sort of different foods, and eventually sort of snapped myself back into a normal state, and over time regained the weight back, but it took a couple of years each time.

It's a little different this time, but also pretty similar. I've always thought I have struggled with a Candida issue, so for the last 45 years I have held myself to a very strict diet. Although, I'm starting to doubt a lot this time, and my daughter thinks I may be struggling with TMS and that many of my problems over my lifetime could have had a TMS component, or as difficult as it may be for me to believe, could be caused entirely by TMS.

This time, it started about 2 and a half months ago. My husband went in for a heart procedure, and ended up having a harder recovery than we had anticipated. One day he collapsed on the floor in our dining room, and his eyes were open, and he was unresponsive. I thought he had died. He is okay now, although, still struggles with afib. He may be going into another procedure in a few months. Needless to say, that was horrible and I developed this about a month or so after. Also, in general I am affected by my daughter and son-in-law who live with us and are having trouble getting a job. Financial worries also affect me very strongly, which I have been dealing with almost my entire adult life, while married to my husband. My daughter had horrible back pain in her teens and early twenties, and I found Dr. Sarno's book for her, and she manged to cure herself after struggling for almost a decade and being practically bedridden for two years. She is a huge advocate for TMS now and has a similar personality to me. Although, I would say I have an even more TMS personality than she does, because she at least talks about her feelings, I just hold everything in, and am extremely demanding upon myself. I do everything in the house. And now that my husband has a heart condition, I feel bad about asking him to do anything to help.

Sorry if this is a little hard to follow, I'm definitely not in a good state of mind, and some of this may be a bit disjointed. Two months ago I started to have bowel troubles. Floating, sliminess. Really bad intestinal cramps. My daughter had been dealing with a yeast infection before this started, and about a week after she complained to me about it, I started to have similar irritation, but with my bowels. Maybe a trigger? I also have started losing weight (already 10 pounds) and I'm pretty thin to begin with, so while I was 5'6" and 108 pounds, I'm now about 98 pounds. Again, the weight loss portion of this happened the same way 8 and 16 years ago. Also, like those times, I am extremely hyper and anxious. My heartbeat will go up and down. I have trouble staying asleep and if I get 3 hours in a night, that's lucky. I've been also itchy all over my body at times. Which is a new symptom. I've been to the doctor, and they've done a bunch of tests, but all my blood work came back normal, and my doctor doesn't know what to tell me. They are again stumped

The anxiety is extra bad this time and I've been getting very depressed and morbid. I worry that I'm not strong enough at 70 to weather this episode, like I did 8 years ago. Oddly enough, a few weeks before this all started I thought to myself, "It's been 8 years again, I really hope I don't get this again. I can deal with anything but that." And then it happened.

I hate feeling this way. It's horrible. The feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin, is what I can only describe as feeling like I'm not digesting my food, and the weight loss. I'm quite frankly terrified. My fallback thinking is that I have a Candida problem, that got out of hand, because I was drinking really basic pH water for a couple of weeks and then I stopped digesting my food. I've been trying to take a little lemon in my water, sometimes it makes me feel better, sometimes worse. My husband gives me garlic, sometimes better sometimes worse. I've tried yogurt, kefir, and it all works the first time, maybe the second, and then stops working, or makes things worse. My daughter tells me I may be going down the rabbit hole with a whole bunch of placebos.

I do realize I am the exact TMS personality, and doctors haven't been able to help me. Is this Candida, some sort of intestinal/stomach problem (IBS), or is it TMS? I don't know. And I really don't know where to turn, or what to do, at this point. It is very hard, when I get really anxious and hyper to even do anything, but obsess over how I feel, and dread the future.

Any help you can send my way, would be very much appreciated. I was hoping to find others who have had my symptoms, so I know I'm not alone with this. Which it how I have felt like my whole life, because I've never met anyone else, or any doctor, who has been able to tell me they've dealt with anything like this, when all the tests come back okay.

Thank you for your time and responses. I hope I can start going in a more positive direction, with the help of this amazing community.

 

Mrs. Mystery,

You are plenty strong to handle this...and your post tells me that you can probably be out of it very soon.

You first need to calm your nervous system by leaving the past in the past. When you repeat your history and fear it happening again your subconscious treats that like you are "looking" for it, again. This is why Dr. Sarno, Steve Ozanich and Nicole Ferber Sachs all say to find pleasure and joy in something and go do it. You have to give your nervous system a break. You are very focused on your symptoms. They won't go away when you are paying such intense attention to them.

Watch some of Nicole Ferber Sachs videos on YouTube.

Put your hand over your own heart during the day and say outloud, "I am safe. Every day and in every way I am getting better and better."

best wishes

 

Wow, the candida thing I can speak to as I was struggling with mysterious gut problems and had thought it was possibly the issue (it also happened to be one of those disease fads at the time). I bought some powerful probiotic that promised that the helpful bacteria would survive the stomach acids and bring me back to gut nirvana, but that was so obviously not the case that I sent it back immediately for a full refund. Same for the colon cleanse with the psyllium husk, bentonite clay, and (strong) herbal laxatives -- promised to pull alien-looking parasites from me but just bloated the hell out of me and was also returned. I still believe in natural remedies but when you are in a state where nothing is actually wrong with you physically (and it sounds like doctors have also confirmed this for you), all these things can do is put you back into your "sick" mentality. I had a huge shelf of supplements that I had to stop taking for that very reason. I'm not doing any worse for it either and am learning more and slowly getting better.

As far as candida diets, they always seemed like self-flagellation to me. They lost me when I asked a health food store employee that if the candida was eating even the healthy sugars I consumed and turning it into toxins then doesn't it stand to reason that my "cravings" for sugar were natural and that the body still needs glucose to run the brain? The response was that that was what the candida wanted. How in the hell do I feel the cravings of a bunch of bugs (possibly) running loose in me? Made no sense. Good luck to you. There are many myths to be busted here for sure, but Dr. Sarno wasn't also a gastroenterologist unfortunately... the basic thing is the same though in that you are feeling like you don't function right physically, but where you are really suffering is psychologically and emotionally.

 

MWsunin12, I really appreciate your reply. I used your Phrase recommendation throughout the day and it is very comforting. I'll be looking up those videos you mentioned as well. "All say to find pleasure and joy in something and go do it, " you said. This really struck me. I do so little the really brings me this. My day is just work and sleep. I feel like I have forgotten how to even "want" things for myself. The last time I had the family do something specifically for me was last year, when we went to the Zoo, and the car broke down on the way there... which was really unfortunate. But it was hard to not think, "well, this is what happens when I do something *I* want.

AnonymousNick, everything you posted sounds so familiar. I remember trying so many of those same things, until just settling on a very plain, diet. It is so difficult to imagine I could have created these food sensitivities, because they feel so real.

Yesterday I had a better day, I slept almost five hours the night before. Unfortunately, this last night was very bad. Is very bad. I woke up after a couple of hours with the worst, most intense stomach pains and sweating. I started to pace around the house and my pulse felt like it was racing and then I got the chills. I took my temperature and I'm fine, even though I'm freezing and sweating at the same time. I'm having very morbid thoughts again. I felt such relief yesterday, having such a difficult night tonight is really throwing me. I'm in the midst of it now, still horrible stomach pains, feeling like I should just be put out of my misery... not good thoughts.

 

Mrs. Mystery,

TMS pain feels real because it is real, but it originates in your brain. It feels like something is wrong in your body because it is felt in the body, and we've learned that means something is wrong where the pain is, but it is faulty science.

So, we say don't worry about the pain, but how do you do that? The easiest way is to start Alan Gordon's program or the Structured Educational Program here on the wiki. However, you are having such alot of anxiety that I would recommend Claire Weekes books and even YouTube videos. She writes about what used to be called nervous illness and her books have helped me and others here. I think that reading them for your anxiety and also your stomach issues would be beneficial. A lot of people substitute pain when she uses anxiety and panic. She can really help calm down your system. So you can start right away with what is on the wiki, and if you want, go to the library and read Claire's books. Then you can decide if you want your own copies.

I also wanted to point out that I believe your age will be to your advantage and be of help. I really think you will be able to do this work and I'm so glad your daughter shared this with you.

Lizzy

 

I started the Structured Educational Program and began listening to the Claire Weeks mp3 files I found. But the last few days have been rough. I ended up at the hospital last night because I thought there was something wrong with my heart. I told the doctors there about my stomach and they ended up doing a CT scan of my abdomen. I thought drinking the contrast was going to kill me, (because I'm always scared to consume anything that might upset my stomach) but it was okay. I guess that could be something to put on my evidence sheet.

The doctor did find a 4 mm lesion on my pancreas, so he told me I should follow up with my GP and get an MRI just to monitor it. He said it's usually nothing serious. But I'm having a really hard time not latching on to that since he also mentioned some of my symptoms could be related to something with the pancreas.

I just feel like I'm losing myself, my whole personality. I was barely able to even write this post.

 

Mrs Mystery,

Follow up with your doctor, because you always want to be sure that you are ok.

A lesion on the pancreas is usually nothing, and your stomach problem first began years ago and stopped twice! This doesn't sound like it could be caused by a lesion. Otherwise, wouldn't it be consistent? So for now try not to worry, consider it nothing until you know something.

However, get checked out, just because it sounds impossible to a lay person means nothing, after all, what do I know about your pancreas?
Hugs,
Lizzy

 

Thank you Lizzy. I really appreciate your advice and support.

I went to the doctor and I got more information. It seems that what they found were classified as "benign neoplasms of the liver and/or billary ducts." I specifically have avoided googling this, so I don't know what it is. My doctor is still sending me for the MRI follow up of the pancreas and told me, "we'll figure this out" even after I told him this has happened to me every 8 years, like clockwork for the last 24 years. He is very far from believing in anything psychosomatic in nature. If anything he is specifically opposed to the idea. But I did schedule the MRI for later this week.

I am worried that if this doctor tells me something that might be a very ordinary finding (for my age) is actually causing my symptoms, how do I un-hear that? I know my daughter's back pain increased and was extended for many years because a well respected spinal surgeon told her she had bulging/ruptured discs and needed her spine fused. It took her almost a decade to get past that diagnosis, and thankfully didn't have surgery. But now she is 100% free of back pain and can basically do anything she wants physically.

My husband keeps telling me I need to take more salt to fix my problem. So on one hand I have my daughter helping me work through some of the TMS programs, and on the other hand my husband is trying to find some dietary miracle cure. And my doctors are either telling me nothing is wrong, or this latest one is very gung-ho about finding the physical reason for the problem. I'm definitely getting a lot of conflicting ideas which I'm sure is not making this any easier.