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New Pain - Afraid

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Julia, May 7, 2012.

  1. Julia

    Julia New Member

    Today I made my first foray into exercise again, well movement. I took a chair yoga class. A lot of fear came up but I moved slowly through it and talked to my mind and my body the whole time while breathing. I felt proud of myself afterwards. I signed up for more of them. I also took a walk in the park on Sunday.

    But tonight I started to feel like I was getting a hemrroid.. The last time that happened, it came on quickly and the next day I needed surgery because it was so huge. The surgery and post op was the most painful experience I ever had. I'm scared. I only realized and accepted this diagnosis a week and a half ago but have been dealing with my emotions in therapy many times in my life. I guess I'm just peeling more layers of the onions off. But as my back pain (the original problem) is getting slightly better, I am worried now that something worse will take it's place. I am doing the best i can to face me emotions/fears. I confronted my father about my incest 20 years ago. I put down my food addiction last year and am working the 12 steps in of an anonymous program which has you face plenty of emotions, etc. I want to be patient. But pain is scary. I want to be mad at my body for hurting me more.
  2. honeybear424

    honeybear424 Well known member

    Good for you for taking that step with yoga. I love yoga!

    I think your brain is up to no good. Just keep talking to yourself and tell it you know what it is up to. I hope that you can squelch its attempt to distract you with another pain. I've been dealing with something similar for the past week myself. I had some dental pain pop up last week, yet the dentist can't find anything causing it. Go figure! On top of that, my headache, neck, jaws, shoulders and arm pains are all at their worst.

    I'm mad at myself for allowing my situation to get this bad.

    Hope you feel better, Julia!
  3. Julia

    Julia New Member

    Thanks for the support!!! I need to read more on the psychological aspects of the mind and why it thinks it needs to protect us from feeling certain emotions. Maybe understanding how my mind works will help me talk to it better. I'm so new at this. I'm about to start John Sarno's second book, The Divided Mind. Perhaps it will give me some insight.
  4. Justina

    Justina Peer Supporter

    Julia, your new pain shows that what you're doing is working. It sounds like you've been making great progress and your brain now has to resort to using the worst pain you can remember to distract you. I know it hurts, but you're doing amazing work. Keep going!

    I'm considering reading The Divided Mind, you'll have to let us know if you find it useful.
  5. Forest

    Forest Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hiya Julia and Welcome to the Wiki,

    The beginning part of TMS can consist of a lot of ups and downs. I primarily think this is do to our unconscious, which tries time and time again to create a reason to prevent us from accepting the TMS diagnosis. The interesting part of your post, is that you mentioned when you back pain began to get better, other symptoms started to pop up. This is classic TMS.

    You mentioned that you were worried that something worse would take its place. Remember, even if your unconscious creates a new symptom, it is no worse than any other symptom, because it is TMS. By definition it is not serious, it is just TMS. As long as a doctor rules out any serious medical condition then you are in a good position to give this approach 100%. Further, worrying about another symptom popping up is another way TMS is trying to distract you from exploring your emotions. TMS/PPD practitioner Alan Gordon recently discussed this very topic in the Q&A with an Expert article called Is it PPD/TMS or a structural issue.

    You are doing the right thing in being active again. I know for me this was one of the most effective parts of my recovery. It was great to know that I wasn't disabled and could do whatever I wanted without being afraid of hurting myself. It sounds like you have a lot of worry about what might happen. This is common, but try to overcome it. Take things day by day and don't worry so much about what symptom might pop up tomorrow. It's just TMS and you will be able to overcome.
  6. AmandaMoo

    AmandaMoo New Member


    This has also happened to me. When I first read 'healing back pain' my back pain got worse and my legs went numb the next day and freaked me out completely. Leg numbness had been a major fear as I have a large lumbar bulging disc and this would mean a step toward surgery. I got really upset and almost had a panic attack until my hubby said he thought my brain realised I was discovering its tricks and was trying damn hard to keep a hold over me and stop me discovering the truth. As soon as I realised this the sensation just went away. It was unreal.

    After a few days my back pain settled down and I started getting neck pain, headaches, indigestion. Never at the same time though - it jumped from one to the other which just pushed me more toward accepting TMS

    I was doing really well, I read 'the mind body prescription' which was a great book. Much more in depth than 'healing back pain' and really felt like I was winning. I even did a massive spring clean - dusting, mopping and hovering like a mad thing which I had been avoiding because of fear of making the disc worse. It didn't cause me any extra pain which was fantastic and really motivated me.

    I was even thinking of retraining for a new career and had been looking into a few options.

    Then yesterday I simply squatted down to pick a wrapper up off the floor and got a really sharp sickly pain which ran from the back of my pelvis on the left side, all down my leg. I immediately thought it was the disc and now it is hurting badly again and is worse when I walk.

    I am trying so hard to get over the structural diagnosis but it is so, so difficult as I have such fear of making the disc worse and being incontinent and having to have surgery (my offending disc is at the bladder/bowel nerve compression level)

    The actual psychological fight between structural and TMS really stresses me out at times which I know will just perpetuate the pain.

    While journaling I have discovered that I felt like a nobody at school and that I am pretty unimportant on the big scale of things. I feel like I have failed in many things in life (we ran a business for 6 years but it ended due to the economic climate) I have started lots of courses then become negative and not finished them because I felt like I would just fail anyway.

    I'm now wondering if this is what has caused the new pain. Because I had been looking at new careers then started to become a bit negative wondering if I was actually smart enough to do something challenging or be able to get a job at the end of it I have started the back pain off again. I think I obviously need to look into this issue further

    The weirdest thing is my back pain always starts in April each year since it originally started in 2009 and I have pinpointed several stressful events that have happened around the same time in previous years...including the closure of our pet shop last year and having my first terrifying panic attack in 2007. So freaking obvious I have TMS yet I still struggle to believe it! Argh stupid brain!

    All I can say is be brave Julie and face it head on. Fear perpetuates the pain. Shout at your brain! I've read that a lot of people do this and say it helps. I'm going to give it a try tomorrow when the house is empty. My neighbour will think I've gone bonkers!

    Good luck


    yb44 likes this.
  7. Beach-Girl

    Beach-Girl Well known member


    I've had the same thing happen. My back pain moved to my shoulder and then back to my lower back. I've had other weird little symptoms, but I seem to write those off quickly as TMS. I just wish I could do the same for the pain in my back. Keep going - good luck!

  8. Forest

    Forest Beloved Grand Eagle

    Isn't it great to see how just by changing our thoughts and focus our symptoms will fade away! It sounds like you are making terrific progress. Isn't cleaning the house all day more physically strenous then picking up a wrapper? If you had a physical problem you wouldn't be able to clean all day like that. Just like the example you said about the panic attack, this is just TMS creeping its head out again to stop you from discovering the truth. Everyone has these little ups and downs. The key is to not worry about them. Instead of thinking, man am I every going to get better, think instead, This is just another example of how silly and illogical TMS is and laugh it away.

    We can't control when a symptom will pop up, but we can control how we handle it. We can either worry about it or acknowledge it as TMS, point out the emotions behind it, and go about our day.

    Amanda, you are doing so great. Don't let this keep you down.


  9. yb44

    yb44 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Oh Julia, you are one brave woman. There are so many issues crammed into your one short post but it sounds like you are gaining some confidence In your abilities to heal yourself psychologically and thus physically. As many have said before the best way to handle TMS is to go out and have a life. You have started down that road by signing up to more yoga classes and taking a Sunday walk. Small steps but they lead to big gains.

    As for your fears, this is your brain in retaliation, clinging on to something that has been so effective before you almost can't blame it for trying. But its game is up. You know too much now and you are plowing forward with your knowledge.
    Forest likes this.
  10. Beach-Girl

    Beach-Girl Well known member

    Great info and wisdom in this statement. Keep moving forward, you will arrive!

  11. Shanshu Vampyr

    Shanshu Vampyr Well known member

    Hi Amanda,

    What's wrong with being bonkers? :) I've had a lot of experience being in TMS and being bonkers both. I prefer bonkers. That way at least you get a seat alone on the train. :)
    Beach-Girl likes this.

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