need some help

im just going to go ahead and post my full story as well as my successes and current struggles. hopefully someone here can help..

im a 26 year old male and it all started 2 years ago when i was working (barber) and my left leg went totally numb right down to my toes with excrutiating pain. could barely stand or walk more than a minute. paid for a private mri and results showed l4-l5 l5-s1 herniation and the doctor told me to quit my job and wait 2 years for surgery.. i refused and did some research and found a place that does spinal decompression on a machine called the drx 9000 20 sessions for 4 grand made me better ! i was amazed and it lasted about a year. mind you when i had the pain the first time it was only in my leg no back pain. fast forward about a year i was playing badminton on july first which is canada day. played a few games very intensely and was fine. got up after lunch to play some more and then i felt my back go out. the next day could barely walk..terrifying. took about a week to be mobile again. went back to work and bent over to shave a clients beard and there it went again.. in bed for another week.. was good for about a month after that while carefully monitoring my movements.. then one day i woke up feeling amazing. decided i should go to the gym for a bit before i go buy my fiance her wedding ring. i got on the elliptical for about a half hour and when i got off i was feeling great. while laying down stretching i felt an onset of pain come on and there we go again.. another week. who throws their back out on or after the elliptical? embaraasing a week after that i was sitting in a chair and bent over to tie my shoe and it happened again.. was sick of going to chiro all the time etc etc. my friend recommended sarnos book. i read it and believe it. its been about 2 and a half months since and my back hasnt gone out. i have done many things, lift heavy, run, have sex, shovel snow, slip and fall on ice, etc, its been fine. my wedding was a week ago and i was worried to death that it would happen again on my wedding day and that i would be disabled on my wedding day but i was fine ! now these are all huge milestones but i still have days where im scared all the time. i cant help but check in on my pain, i worry. i constantly read tms material but sometimes i just try to live my life. i dont want to hinder the progress by being upset that im not 100% pain free but i wake up in the morning and always have some pain. also when i lay down and lift one leg vs the other i still have loss of range of motion and some pain while lifting the leg that went numb when i first got the diagnosis. how do i restore that range of motion. im still however scared of that damn elliptical machine. i need some help in understanding how to get to better by 100% without symptom imperatives. how does a person get to truly no pain or anxiety or anything. there has to be a way.. how do i get rid of the small twinges and pains. when i stop and think psychologically whats going on? it doesnt work because they are all conscious things i come up with. some times i sit and think to myself its been a while since my back went out im about due for another flairup. which is terrible thinking i know. i know i deserve to be happy but sometimes i feel like im not allowed to or supposed to. its messed up. i think were all human and fall into these negative brain loops any help and imsight on how to get rid of everything once and for all would be great..

 

Hi abezz and welcome. I have to admit that I couldn't read your whole story because of the lack of capitalization or paragraphs - it's a generation gap thing - Sorry!

But I'm pretty sure that I didn't see anything in your story about doing any emotional work beyond reading about TMS. I suggest that you do the free Structured Educational Program which is on our main tmswiki.org. It's broken down into day-sized readings and exercises, which will reinforce the ideas behind TMS, and ease you into doing the deeper emotional work that almost everyone needs to do at some point.

Many people have initial success by applying the knowledge of TMS, but the success doesn't last - that's when you know that you've got to go deeper. The SEP makes that easy, as long as you are honest with yourself when you're doing the writing exercise - and as long as you don't let your brain fool you into staying in the safe shallow end of the pool. Dive deep!

 

Sorry i was going on a brain rant and didnt want to miss anything! I have done a bunch of journalling as well as made the daily pressures list as Dr Sarno has recommended. please look past the grammar and give my story a chance. Thank you.

 

LOL - I can appreciate that - it's an excellent journaling technique, for sure!

But I'm still going to focus on the need for deeper emotional work - this is true for most people who have initial success with TMS, and then experience a relapse. The SEP will eventually guide you to look farther back into your childhood, and try to get you to open up to the deep negative unconscious emotions that all human beings carry around from birth. Even those of us with reasonably decent childhoods carry that crap around - old childhood guilt and shame, much of it starting from the rage we experience because we're forced to leave the safety of our mother's breast. You know - Freudian stuff. Dr. Sarno wasn't wrong about that - but it's buried deep. It really helps to get that stuff out into the light of day - and at 26, you're getting a wonderfully early start on it!

The alternative to the SEP is Alan Gordon's Pain Recovery Program, which I have not done (new this year) but I'm hearing good things about it. I got a huge amount of benefit from listening to Alan's webinars here on the forum several years ago - he is a real master at getting to the emotional core of our issues.

 

I think the term I've heard elsewhere for your problem is the 'paralysis of Analysis' where basically you're obsessing over every small symptom and worry constantly. You are stuck it the fear loop which will prolong the pain and keep the symptoms alive.

You sound like you are adding stress on top of stress and this in its self will cause your nervous system to be sensitised constantly. A highly sensitised nervous system is basically a term for anxiety and any symptom that pops up is greatly exaggurated by you mind when you are in this state.

As mentioned above you can try Alan's programme for great advice on how it's important lose the fear and how important it is to stop obsessing about symptoms. It's easier said than done but knowledge will help you 100% commit to a mind body diagnosis. Here's a link for one of the days of the programme which may help you. Check out day 9 and 10 also but I would recommend checking out the whole thing.

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/day-4-breaking-the-pain-cycle.16459/ (New Program - Day 4: Breaking the Pain Cycle)

 

thank u for your prompt replies i will definitely follow your recommendations. any input on how to regain lost range of motion?

 

To get my range of motion back. I went to see a personal trainer every week for around a month. I did this as i had a fear of moving flexible or however you can describe it. She gave me the confidence to do it by pushing me.

It was just basic moves like squats, crab crawls and a few other things. You would be surprised of what you are capable of once you get moving and the confidence to do so.