Need help to deal with TMS anxiety

[Penny2007]

My daughter just had her second baby. A happy occasion but one that is causing me a lot of anxiety. The anxiety started before the baby was born because her first labor was complicated and traumatic and I was her main support during the process so I was scared about going through it all again.

I grew up with negligent parents and abusive grandparents so I put a lot of pressure on myself not to be like them. My mother left the family home when I was a teenager leaving me to care for my ailing father which was a lot of responsibility that I didn't want. I tried to be a good daughter but resented having to care for him. I remember having terrible exzema and acne during those years.

As much as I consciously want to be the supportive mother and grandmother that I never had, the helping feels like a huge burden (trigger to father) and then I feel guilty which causes me anxiety and sometimes back pain. I know this is classic TMS, I just don't know what to do about it.

 

[AnnaK]

Hi Penny! A birth of a child can be very stressful. It’s big welcoming a new human being into the world. There is s lot of responsibility in the happiness.
But how good of you to see what is triggering you - past time caring for your dad. It’s absolutely understandable that those feelings come up now. Maybe talking to a psychotherapist can help you? By talking about past time maybe you can feel more free in the presence.

Have you watched the clip with Kim Eng, Eckhart Tolles partner? It’s in a recent thread in General Discussion. It was very clear and soothing - on the theme of past events getting stuck in the body. Maybe you like it too.

(I am new to the forum, so I can’t help you with the TMS approach. I hope someone else will.)

Anna

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Penny2007,

I am sorry about your anxiety, and it is understandable. I appreciate Anna's post to help you.

I see you have many postings here, been around for awhile. When you say

I know this is classic TMS, I just don't know what to do about it.

I wonder what you don't know. No doubt you've learned and practiced a number of techniques?

My suggestion is that first of all you contemplate a deep truth: knowing what is triggering anxiety and pain, and knowing the theories of TMS, how all this is happening in you. is a huge movement in itself toward being less caught. In other words, do you need to fear the pain, or anxiety? Or is this another layer, this fear and desire to make these experiences stop, overlain on the primary experiences? The primary experiences are natural: anxiety and mind-body pain. What I hope you can discern is your reaction to these primary experiences.

Reassuring yourself you are going to be OK can go a long way. You might check out Alan Gordon's latest program at the Wiki too!!

Just knowing Dr. Sarno's work, and your unique place in it in this moment is a greater antidote than you may know. This is the heart of the "knowledge cure." Good luck in your work!

Andy B

 

[Penny2007]

Thanks to both of you. I was in TMS therapy for over a year and had to stop because I couldn't afford it any longer though I think I'll try to have another session soon. I learned a lot and use the strategies I learned which really help but sometimes it still is just too much to handle.

Last year I went through a very rough time which I'm still recuperating from. After a visit from my mother, my back pain sored and my anxiety became debilitating to the point I couldn't function. I ended up on anti-depressants which had a terrible effect (made me hypomanic) and the withdrawl was hell on earth. The psychiatrist didn't believe me when I was in total distress. He said it couldn't be as bad as I was making it out to be (he was completely negligent by taking me off the meds cold turkey). This put me over the edge as it triggered a huge part of my problematic childhood - not being taken care of and not believed when I told my parents I was being abused by family members. What followed was horrible, horrible OCD, PTSD and many other withdrawal symptoms which lasted for months and left their mark.

I've done all the programs and read all the books. It all helps but as I said, sometimes things get to be too much. I guess I just came her to get this all off my chest which is helpful in and of itself.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

The psychiatrist didn't believe me when I was in total distress. He said it couldn't be as bad as I was making it out to be (he was completely negligent by taking me off the meds cold turkey). This put me over the edge as it triggered a huge part of my problematic childhood - not being taken care of and not believed when I told my parents I was being abused by family members.

I am so sorry about this episode. In your writing you express a lot of understanding of how you have been triggered and how your history fits into the present. I want you to know that your awareness is the way out, especially so if you can have empathy for your situation, rather than trying to fix it. None of this is easy, but I hope you recognize your hard work, and know that the way forward and through may be closer than you know right now.

 

[Penny2007]

I want you to know that your awareness is the way out, especially so if you can have empathy for your situation, rather than trying to fix it.

Thank you so much for this. I think you hit the nail on the head with the "trying to fix it" reference. That is a huge problem for me and one that I always forget is at the root of my TMS. I'm a huge problem solver. I need to fix everything. I feel responsible for everything and it gives me constant anxiety. Whenever my daughter complains about something difficult it gives me anxiety because I feel like I need to solve the problem for her. I've been trying to tell myself that this is her life and not mine, I don't need to solve all her problems and that helps a little.

 

[starseed]

Not to steal from your post Penny2007 but I’m also having huge stress from my daughter’s relationship issues. She was in tears this morning and I was tearful with her and for her. My back issue is soaring today along with numbness and tingling and strange sensation in my buttocks and hamstrings. I know the answer to her problems but I can’t make her see things the way I do! She has to come to a conclusion herself, which in itself is going to take some time and will waste more of her life. So I empathise with you as regards anxiety with your daughter and problem solving. Hugs

 

[Penny2007]

@starseed - thanks for sharing. As you imagine I can relate. Why do we do this to ourselves? What is it about TMS suffers that makes us all the same

 

[Rosebud]

I'm a huge problem solver. I need to fix everything.

Ouch. OUCH.