Need advice on how to help my family accept my TMS

Diana-M

Diana-M

Beloved Grand Eagle
Hi everyone

This is a recurring problem for me. When I see my family (grown kids) they are very disturbed with how slowly I’m improving (it’s undetectable for them) and how disabled I currently seem to be. They don’t readily accept what TMS is; in fact they don’t say it, but I know they think I’m kind of a nut. I think they wish I would just “go to the doctor” and get fixed. Or at least get a “real” diagnosis like fibromyalgia or something concrete they can understand (even though it’s not understandable). It’s scary for them to see me like this. They don’t have the hope I have. Has anyone dealt with this? How do you explain to them what’s happening, give them hope, or just plain deal with it?
 
Do you really need to give them an explanation? Most people do think that talking about these kinds of things is kind of 'crackpot'-y. Maybe because it's so personal?

When I first realized about the mindbody connection, when I got over CFS, back around 2008, I went around declaring my newfound awareness to everyone. I didn't get a great reception. I concluded that actually many healthy people probably already know about the mind body connection, on an intuitive level at least.

If you don't have any concrete diagnosis you can give (and doing mind body work is not incompatible with medical diagnosis, IMO it's just a different point of view), just say "I think it's stress related and I am working on reducing my stress". My family have accepted that.
 
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When I tried to explain it to my Mom, she immediately went to "Did I cause This?
The rest of my family think I'm nuts but I don't care. When I was at my worst, I would just tell folks, I don't really wanna talk about it. Actually, I stopped talking about it at all, which is what Dr. Hanscom suggests in his book: Back In Control - which essentially is exactly what you do when you stop talking about it to people, you take control of that discussion. My family will still try and ask about it, but I just say I'm working on it, and discussion ends.
 
Cactusflower said:
When I tried to explain it to my Mom, she immediately went to "Did I cause This?
The rest of my family think I'm nuts but I don't care. When I was at my worst, I would just tell folks, I don't really wanna talk about it. Actually, I stopped talking about it at all, which is what Dr. Hanscom suggests in his book: Back In Control - which essentially is exactly what you do when you stop talking about it to people, you take control of that discussion. My family will still try and ask about it, but I just say I'm working on it, and discussion ends.
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Love this advice! Thank you!
 
@Diana-M, didn't you see at least one doc this year who agreed with you that stress was likely to be the source of, or at least a huge influence on your distress?

You've been otherwise medically checked out and "they can't find anything wrong" so ultimately it comes down to "my body, my choice, I'm going with the stress theory for now and I don't need additional stress applied by people pressuring me who actually have no clue and also no business telling me what to do". (Grrrr, it just makes me frustrated for you!)

You say
Diana-M said:
I think they wish I would just “go to the doctor” and get fixed. Or at least get a “real” diagnosis
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The key being "I think". Ask them outright, what do they want. Or wish for. If what they want is wishful thinking rather than constructive action, you can certainly call BS on that. And if what they want is for you to keep going to doctors when the ones you've already seen can't find anything wrong and have nothing to offer, you can say that you'll consider that if you start to significantly deteriorate, but that in the meantime, slow progress is still progress, and you need them to leave you the f*** alone and stop making you feel like crap just so they can feel like they're accomplishing something.

Sigh... Okay, now that I've ranted a bit, I'll take a big step back and say that I guess that dealing with family pressure like this is, rather interestingly, the same as dealing with, and speaking to, our primitive brains: you can thank them for trying to protect you, but assure them you'll actually be better off doing things your way and on your own from now on.

Acceptance and patience - by and for all.
 
Diana,

It is well known that a characteristic of the TMS-prone personality is its tendency to please others. Or to put it bluntly:" we give up ourselves to stay in loving relationship to our parents." All children do this as part of personality formation. Then we lose ourselves in relationships, arguing with ourselves in the poles between being independent or giving ourselves up.

To me, an important piece for most people in their journey with TMS treatment is to assert who they are, to assert autonomy in ways that they probably have not in the past. This is one reason I emphasize Inner Critic work. The superego keeps our old sense of self cemented in as best it can. We want to be loved, accepted. Importantly this ability to be yourself in relationship needs to happen internally, since much of what we understand as our relationships are projection and thinking inside.

It may help to journal unsent letters to family members to firmly and kindly (or not so kindly if you feel attacked or pushed) assert that you're doing what you think is best, and you are sticking with it regardless of their opinion.

"I'm doing what I think is best for me, and I don't want your input right now. I find your input is disrespectful of my (important) process/guidance. I need the space to explore this, and your opinions are not helping me."

That kind of thing. Then if something should be said, I think you'll be coming from a place of clarity and autonomy. Even a very kind reassuring talk with family members will come from real strength if you explore the --projected-- relationship and your needs in it in a safe place first.
 
A few months back, my SON was the one who thought I needed to see a Doctor.
I had recently really ramped up Flatpicking and Classical. Several hours a day. Pushing myself to learn difficult passages.
He saw my Hand and went "Damn Dad ...y'all need to go and get that checked out!" I had been just ignoring it and assuming it was benign. His exclamation was the first fear I felt. (Clue?)

I forgot all about that morning until I just read your post. I did get it checked out and THAT was the beginning of the symptoms!! Even other people who think they understand TMS like my son. We Love them so their input seems to be really important.

..and, Yesterday (couple months from the above) him and I were chatting about Guitar and he said "Oh yeah...your gnarled up looking hands? I met a young guy who plays crazy hours like you, and his hands were worse than yours and he says he isn't in any pain...it's probably just the price of getting better" If he said that on day one, I might never have had an issue? Only God knows.

People unwittingly dish out Nocebo's all of the time. They mean well, but keep in mind we are an EXTREME minority, it was our very long an frustrating experiences that got us here, and save this forum, very few people would agree with us. Family that care about you are perhaps the worst about accidentally making it worse.

That is why Sarno wrote about it. Our families solicitousness can actually conspires against our recovery!!!!

IF I mention it at all to them it's always vague. So they can't get involved.
"I am fighting off some TMS".... "I am doing my TMS work"..."Yeah, I'm not going there...that is a TMS farm"
I know this sounds harsh and isn't always possible, But if I am having a tickle and around them, I do everything I can to Never bring it up.

Every answer on this thread is spot on. This is our own little private Journey between us and God.
Peace
 
@JanAtheCPA , @Andy Bayliss , @Baseball65

Thank you for this great advice! I will take it all to heart. Your friendship means a lot to me! I especially like the quotes I’ve highlighted below. I will read this every time I get discouraged. <3

JanAtheCPA said:
Acceptance and patience - by and for all.
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Andy Bayliss said:
To me, an important piece for most people in their journey with TMS treatment is to assert who they are, to assert autonomy in ways that they probably have not in the past.
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Baseball65 said:
People unwittingly dish out Nocebo's all of the time. They mean well, but keep in mind we are an EXTREME minority,
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Baseball65 said:
This is our own little private Journey between us and God.
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My husband is the only one I am 100% open with about everything and TMS. He just gets it and has no judgment. When I first told him about The Mindbody Prescription, he said he 100% believes TMS because it just logically makes sense. He truly helped me in my recovery. I've tried to explain it to my mom on the other hand and I think she doesn't understand the formal words of it all and definitions. But I know on a deeper level she understands that stress can cause all kinds of aches and pains so I truly don't think any of this would be a surprise to her if I explained it more in depth (She is European and English is not our first language). I just tell her it was all stress and anxiety (which it was). Surprisingly my younger brother (20 yo) totally believes in it too.

I don't talk to any of my friends about TMS. I don't think they'd take it well.

I am perfectly fine keeping the circle very small with this stuff even if it's 1 person.
 
Diana-M: Need advice on how to help my family accept my TMS

As nice as it would be if your family accepted your TMS, my advice is that it is a fools errand to try to gain their acceptance. Here is Sarno in the Introduction to his The Divided Mind: “Psychosomatic medicine specifically refers to physical disorders of the mind body, disorders that may appear to be purely physical, but which have their origin in unconscious emotions. . . . After many years of experience it is our impression that not more than 10 to 15 percent if the population would be willing to accept a psychosomatic diagnosis.”
As great a clinician as Sarno was, he was acutely aware of his inability to persuade the 85 to 90 percent to accept the concept of TMS. Later in The Divided Mind (page 134), he wrote: "Because acceptance of the diagnosis is essential for a positive outcome and because so few people are open to such a disagnosis, I have a telephone conversation with all who call for an appointment. After years of experience it is not difficult to determine whether someone is a good candidate for the program, and for those who are not it is a kindness to them and to me to discourage the from making an appointment.” I think the “kindness to them” was they they did not waste their time and money on a failed treatment and the “kindness . . . to me” was that Sarno did not waste his time on a failed treatment.

The context for Sarno was clinical relationships, i.e., treating patients. For you the context is family relationships, which no doubt is more important than clinical relaltionships. Nonetheless, I think Sarno’s viewpoint applies: Don’t waste your time and your family members’ time in a futile endeavor. If Sarno could not convince the 85 to 90 percent of the legitimacy of what he called TMS, what powers of persuasion do you have that Sarno didn’t have? Speaking personally, I have never persuaded anyone of that, and I quit trying a long time ago.
 
Duggit said:
If Sarno could not convince the 85 to 90 percent of the legitimacy of what he called TMS, what powers of persuasion do you have that Sarno didn’t have? Speaking personally, I have never persuaded anyone of that, and I quit trying a long time ago.
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True.
 
So much wisdom from all the posts above!

I'll just frame it a slightly different way. Part of this TMS journey is strengthening our boundaries. If I'm clear that I have TMS, then I don't need others to be clear about it. Just thank them for their concern and go about your business, feeling strong in the knowledge that you are on the right track.
 
Duggit said:
r. If Sarno could not convince the 85 to 90 percent of the legitimacy of what he called TMS, what powers of persuasion do you have that Sarno didn’t have?
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HealingMe said:
I just tell her it was all stress and anxiety (which it was).
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Ellen said:
Just thank them for their concern and go about your business, feeling strong in the knowledge that you are on the right track.
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Thank you all for the sage advice! I know you are right. But sometimes I can really use the encouragement. :) onward and upward!
 
Duggit said:
As nice as it would be if your family accepted your TMS, my advice is that it is a fools errand to try to gain their acceptance.
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So much truth in this thread already. I do like this quote above though because it sums it up. It's a Fool's Errand. Meaning, it's fruitless, pointless, and ultimately worthless. The main reason you're pursuing their acceptance is just as Andy said above, you're a people pleaser and that's one of the primary components of having TMS - so we're coming full circle here.

I get it though - I am frustrated at not being able to help people in-person with what is obviously TMS in their lives. Again, people pleaser. Good luck.
 
Mr Hip Guy said:
you're a people pleaser and that's one of the primary components of having TMS - so we're coming full circle here.
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@Mr Hip Guy anf @Ellen
You guys are busting me, for sure! As others have also noted in other threads of mine when it comes to my kids, I really doubt myself and I don’t want to do what I really want. I want to people please them because I feel parents owe that to their kids? And/or I don’t want to hurt them like my parents hurt me. A ton of issues there. It’s a little trickier with your kids, but I think as @baseball said one time —it’s going to come down to just doing what you want, even if they hate it —in all scenarios.

I’m slowly getting stronger at standing up for what I want. Let the chips fall where they may. This is definitely part of my TMS weakness getting corrected.
 
Children are tricky, particularly the proper raising of children. I think we all tend towards wanting our children to "be happy" but reframing that from spoiling them by doing everything for them, and giving them everything...to truly wanting what is best for them, which is the polar opposite of what I just wrote...that's the trick. I continue to struggle with this, and I suspect it is an even harder trick for moms than it is for dads.
 
Children are children until they become adults.
Part of treating your children with respect is treating adult children as such, and navigating this new relationship. This has been a struggle for my own mother as I am her youngest. She wants to keep me in her heart as a child. I am her child but at 60, clearly not a child. She feels if she holds me as a child I am still moldable, bendable to her ideal version of a perfect child. She has a very hard time accepting both her adult kids as they are, and she has an awareness that the way we are now is a reflection of how we were parented and this is difficult for her to deal with.
 
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