My story... please read.

I have posted my story in here previously, however it was a while back and it sometimes makes me feel better when I tell others what I am going through and get their perspective on things. I think the main thing that I always think about and that probably holds me back from fully committing to the recovery program is... do I actually have TMS? Or is what I'm going through some serious medical condition that the doctors just haven't seen in my tests. Hopefully you can help me.

I am currently 21 years old, but it was when I was 19 that my symptoms started, literally overnight. I remember it clearly. It was the day before the superbowl, Panthers vs. Broncos. I had recently joined a fraternity on my college campus and was at the house drinking and hanging out with friends. I know that I got very drunk that night, and fell asleep on the spare bed in my friends room. The next morning, I was obviously very hungover, and my friend and I went to Wal-Mart to get some food items for the superbowl that night. I do remember at one point taking a 5 hour energy drink to help me stay awake through the day, but I can't remember if I took it before or after I started feeling weird that morning. I remember telling my friend that I wasn't feeling too good. I felt very weak, fatigue, and like I could pass out at any moment. It was something I had never felt before, not like a normal hangover feeling at all.

I went home that night and thought I would just feel better in the morning if I got some rest, but I didn't. I think it took about one week for me to start feeling pretty normal again, but I don't know if I ever felt 100% better.

Anyway, I felt ok for a little while, and then the next time that I got really drunk, the same thing happened again. I would feel dizzy, have fuzzy vision, tight throat, tight neck, fatigue, etc... Then I stopped drinking for a while, and changed my diet completely, thinking that it had to be due to my diet and alcohol consumption. I was very scared during this time and didn't know what was going to happen to me.

I felt pretty good for a while with my new diet, and then one day remember drinking a zero calorie energy drink to study for a test in the morning, and within minutes the feelings came back. I was terrified. I thought, how could my symptoms come back when I didn't even drink anything with sugar, which I was cutting from my diet. After that point, I never felt a day of relief again.

My symptoms worsened, picked up new symptoms, and many different things happened. Last fall, my symptoms were a tight neck, pain at the base of my skull, a pounding feeling in the back of my head which is especially prevalent whenever I lay down for bed, I can feel it, fatigue, blurry vision, tired eyes, alcohol intolerance, etc... Then one day I woke up and had weakness in my lower right leg. It was as though it would drag if I didn't put more effort into it, and it made me feel bad exerting more to walk properly. A few months ago, the same thing happened with my right leg. And just recently, I have all of those symptoms, plus now I have developed a type of vertigo or equilibrium issue that makes me feel like I'm walking on clouds, and that the ground beneath me is moving.


I am an absolute mess. Ever since this started, everything has gone downhill for me. I have struggled with my classes, relationships, friendships, everything. Most of the time I don't feel like doing anything except staying in bed, but I make myself go out sometimes so that I'm not a recluse. I don't know how I would make it through a day to day job, thankfully I make enough money online to support myself through college. I struggle going to my classes, and have extreme anxiety and fear about my symptoms getting bad in public and other people noticing. I am afraid that I could die from whatever this is that I have...

Some background info:
I have always suffered from anxiety, and my personality is a clone of everything that is talked about in the TMS books and what not. I did have a very rough childhood, with my mother going to prison, dad addicted to drugs, fighting with my moms new boyfriend, seeing some stuff that a young kid should never have to see or go through.

Before all of this happened, I was the golden boy. College QB(before I quit playing after my freshman year), great grades, smart, had so many things going for me. Now, I feel like a shell of my former self. Lately I have been thinking that maybe there's just no point in going on anymore, I'm in such agony, I wake up scared to start each day.

I have had two MRI's of the brain done, all kinds of blood work, tests, blah blah blah, passed everything. One doctor even said "well, on paper you're the healthiest person I've ever seen." Which really disheartened me because all I've been searching for is a diagnosis.

There have definitely been inconsistencies in my pain, which is why I think that a part of me really thinks that TMS could potentially be the cause, however my symptoms just don't seem a lot like other peoples on the site, so it makes me think that because it is not simple back pain like a lot of people, maybe what I have is real. The times when my symptoms decrease are when I am with or around family, especially my mom since she is someone that I have told about my symptoms, I feel more safe when I'm around her. Also, my symptoms seem to decrease whenever I go to the doctor, or to get an MRI. I'm not sure why, but it definitely happens. They are worse whenever I am fearing them or having anxiety about something.

Another note: I know that I have had TMS before, back when I wasn't even aware of it. It was probably a year before all of this started happening. I was 18 I think and living at my grandmas house during the summer before the school year. I started having chest and left arm pain, and convinced myself I was having a heart attack or going to soon. One day, I just was scared and had my grandma take me to the emergency room, where they ran tests and everything was perfect. Within hours, I had forgotten about the pain because I wasn't afraid of something being wrong with my heart anymore, and I was fine. At the time, I had no idea that it was all in my head.

I hope that you have taken the time to read my story and could possibly provide me with your perspective on my situation. I really am at my wits end. I never imagined myself being someone that would be in this horrible situation, and I am very, very scared for my future. Each day that goes by I wonder how much longer I can take it. Please, let me know if you have any words of incite or encouragement for me.

If you want me to provide any more information about my story, situation, or anything at all, I am more than glad to. Thank you, and God Bless.

 

Hello Yesman17,

Only a doctor can diagnose you. Having said that you are incredibly smart right now. You yearn for your former self but I see a newer, stronger, more authentic self emerging. You are so much stronger than you think. You are so young yet you realize so much. That is much of then battle - being able to admit to yourself that some or all of your pain is psychosomatic. The fact that you stayed in school and you support yourself with a job you can do online stuff also impressive. I know it is hard now but the only way to get to the other side of your pain to to go through it / lean towards it. I am a mother with two teenage sons and I would be proud to see this kind of self awareness. Again, I am not a doctor but if you think you have TMS, you need to have confidence in it and in yourself.

I’m not sure if you are talking to anyone at the mental health clinic at your school (if you have one). It would be really great to have someone to work through some of the issues in your childhood with you. If that isn’t possible, journaling, as Dr Sarno recommended, can be very effective.

In short, I am super impressed with your self awareness and I hope you will be someday too.

Best,
AC45

 

Hi yesman, and welcome! I totally agree with AC45 - it is absolutely awesome that you've already taken this huge step to look at your symptoms from the mind-body perspective.

I want to tell you that I see this every day here, which is new members who say the exact same thing: "but my symptoms are different from anyone else!"
Let me assure you, that's your slippery tricksy negative brain at work. Your brain is in charge of all physical sensations, and if there's one thing it seems to do really well, it's to create a symptom that is custom-designed just for you - one that you will be unable to compare to someone else's!

Dr. David Clarke, MD, even titled his book to acknowledge this syndrome: They Can't Find Anything Wrong. Seriously, this is the GOOD news!

So now that you've been thoroughly checked out by the appropriate medical professionals, you can either go on a search for a TMS doctor who will diagnose you with TMS - or do what many of us (myself included) have done, which is simply accept that you have TMS, and proceed accordingly.

Many of us have had neuro symptoms. My only really significant pain symptom was muscle spasms in my neck, at the site of an old whiplash injury - I'd been managing that pain for decades, but the symptoms that were really scaring the beejeezus out of me back in 2011 were shaky legs, brain-fog, dizziness, sudden weight loss due to digestive issues, debilitating anxiety, and emerging depression. They were all TMS. I still struggle with the brain fog when I'm stressed, but it doesn't freak me out, and I truly don't have the other issues anymore. That includes no more neck pain, and I don't even get the bad headaches I used to get (my "5-ibuprofen" headaches). I haven't needed to take more than 1 ibuprofen for an occasional headache in more than six years.

I would recommend starting the free Structured Educational Program - it's an easy day-by-day progression of readings and exercises designed to access the unconscious emotions that your brain is trying to repress.

Good luck!

~Jan

 

Hello yesman17!
I have the same symptoms as you have. In my case I believe it is TMS and CFS (I see CFS as TMS). Do not worry about these symptoms, my friend! When you stop being afraid (which is a process, I know), the symptoms will fade! They come and go for me, and I see that I really hate these symptoms, which is what I try to focus on now, and not the symptoms itself. But they are not dangerous, but really scary, I know! I feel like I have slept under the sun for many hours or having a hangover. And my legs and arms get numb. All the best to you!

 

Hi again! If you search "brain fog and TMS" on the forum site, you will see many others having these symptoms too!

 

I'm wondering how you earn money online and why you stopped playing football?