BloodMoon
Beloved Grand Eagle
Hello and welcome to my recovery story!
I don't have a dramatic “and then one day I was cured” tale to tell.
For a long time I was bedridden and housebound.
I suffered a myriad of different symptoms - you name it and I probably experienced it - including severe widespread muscle pain, excruciatingly debilitating muscle spasms and chronic fatigue.
I read a lot of mind-body books and articles, tried a couple of mind-body apps, watched a lot of mind-body videos, and tried out a lot of mind-body techniques and approaches.
Some of that 'mud' may have stuck to me and helped me along the way, but this testimony is about what I know has definitely worked wonders for me.
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Getting back to ordinary life happened in ridiculously small steps.
It started with some humble carrots.
I was bedridden again, fed up, angry, frustrated and crying, and then I suddenly decided to ask my husband to bring me a tray of carrots so I could peel them for dinner.
So there I was, lying in bed, sobbing and peeling carrots.
I thought:
“If peeling and chopping carrots is all I can do to get on with ordinary life, then damn it, I'm going to bloody well peel and chop carrots!”
That didn't magically make me better.
But I stopped waiting for my body to feel well before doing something ordinary.
I started taking baby steps with movement and chores.
A little bit.
Then a little bit more.
I found that trying to do too much could be overwhelming, so I didn't.
Anything I wanted or needed to do I would start with the smallest step.
I would break tasks up.
Instead of trying to cook a whole dinner I'd cook just a part of it, like fry an omelette for my husband and me to share.
When I wanted to walk to the local shop, I began by regularly walking from my house to the front gate.
I just kept taking baby steps towards making things a little bit more normal.
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The other thing I eventually noticed was what was going on in my head.
My thoughts frequently got stuck in loops.
Bad predictions about what might happen.
Anger about things that had happened in the past.
Going over things and back to them again.
Then going over them and back to them again.
I hadn't really realised how much mental energy I was spending doing this until I started noticing it.
But I didn't know exactly what to do about it.
And then I found I didn't need to argue with the thoughts or try to stop them or force myself to think positively.
I could simply notice:
“Oh. I'm doing that again.”
Then I'd lengthen an out breath or two.
And carry on.
The thought would come back.
I'd do it again.
It might come back again.
And I'd do it again.
It wasn't about getting rid of the thoughts. It was about interrupting the loop.
And it's what I do to this very day and will continue to do for the rest of my life.
One thing that really helped me understand this better was Steven Oats's book, Rewire Your Mind Without Willpower: A Brain-Based Guide to Breaking Mental Loops, Calming the Nervous System & Creating Lasting Change.
The idea of breaking mental loops without trying to force yourself to think differently really resonated with me.
The book is about working with the brain rather than trying to bully it into changing, and that fitted surprisingly well with what I'd been discovering for myself.
For me, it became pretty simple:
Think small - take baby steps with life.
Notice the thought loop.
One or two long out breaths.
Carry on.
Rinse and repeat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There wasn't one big breakthrough.
There were lots of tiny things.
My recovery wasn't linear.
Sometimes I could do certain things, sometimes I couldn't, but the overall trajectory was towards meaningful, lasting improvement.
Even though I didn't expect that would be the case and I never hoped for that (at least not at first).
Gradually those tiny things added up to a life that was much bigger than the one I had when I was lying in bed peeling carrots.
I didn't need to be perfect at anything I did.
And I didn't need to have any faith that things would necessarily improve with what I was doing.
I just decided to make the best life for myself that I could in my circumstances.
I'm still not completely symptom-free, but I do continue to improve, very slowly. I don't keep tabs on it.
Every now and again I suddenly realise that I'm doing something I either couldn't do before, or couldn't do for as long or as well.
I went from being severely disabled, repeatedly bedridden (for a total of over 18 months) and housebound for years (almost two decades) to living a much more normal life.
The difference is night and day.
My recovery story is about discovering that I didn't have to force my way out of anything.
I could start ridiculously small.
I could interrupt looping thoughts and simply get on with the next thing.
Even if the next thing is peeling a bloody carrot.
I don't have a dramatic “and then one day I was cured” tale to tell.
For a long time I was bedridden and housebound.
I suffered a myriad of different symptoms - you name it and I probably experienced it - including severe widespread muscle pain, excruciatingly debilitating muscle spasms and chronic fatigue.
I read a lot of mind-body books and articles, tried a couple of mind-body apps, watched a lot of mind-body videos, and tried out a lot of mind-body techniques and approaches.
Some of that 'mud' may have stuck to me and helped me along the way, but this testimony is about what I know has definitely worked wonders for me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Getting back to ordinary life happened in ridiculously small steps.
It started with some humble carrots.
I was bedridden again, fed up, angry, frustrated and crying, and then I suddenly decided to ask my husband to bring me a tray of carrots so I could peel them for dinner.
So there I was, lying in bed, sobbing and peeling carrots.
I thought:
“If peeling and chopping carrots is all I can do to get on with ordinary life, then damn it, I'm going to bloody well peel and chop carrots!”
That didn't magically make me better.
But I stopped waiting for my body to feel well before doing something ordinary.
I started taking baby steps with movement and chores.
A little bit.
Then a little bit more.
I found that trying to do too much could be overwhelming, so I didn't.
Anything I wanted or needed to do I would start with the smallest step.
I would break tasks up.
Instead of trying to cook a whole dinner I'd cook just a part of it, like fry an omelette for my husband and me to share.
When I wanted to walk to the local shop, I began by regularly walking from my house to the front gate.
I just kept taking baby steps towards making things a little bit more normal.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other thing I eventually noticed was what was going on in my head.
My thoughts frequently got stuck in loops.
Bad predictions about what might happen.
Anger about things that had happened in the past.
Going over things and back to them again.
Then going over them and back to them again.
I hadn't really realised how much mental energy I was spending doing this until I started noticing it.
But I didn't know exactly what to do about it.
And then I found I didn't need to argue with the thoughts or try to stop them or force myself to think positively.
I could simply notice:
“Oh. I'm doing that again.”
Then I'd lengthen an out breath or two.
And carry on.
The thought would come back.
I'd do it again.
It might come back again.
And I'd do it again.
It wasn't about getting rid of the thoughts. It was about interrupting the loop.
And it's what I do to this very day and will continue to do for the rest of my life.
One thing that really helped me understand this better was Steven Oats's book, Rewire Your Mind Without Willpower: A Brain-Based Guide to Breaking Mental Loops, Calming the Nervous System & Creating Lasting Change.
The idea of breaking mental loops without trying to force yourself to think differently really resonated with me.
The book is about working with the brain rather than trying to bully it into changing, and that fitted surprisingly well with what I'd been discovering for myself.
For me, it became pretty simple:
Think small - take baby steps with life.
Notice the thought loop.
One or two long out breaths.
Carry on.
Rinse and repeat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There wasn't one big breakthrough.
There were lots of tiny things.
My recovery wasn't linear.
Sometimes I could do certain things, sometimes I couldn't, but the overall trajectory was towards meaningful, lasting improvement.
Even though I didn't expect that would be the case and I never hoped for that (at least not at first).
Gradually those tiny things added up to a life that was much bigger than the one I had when I was lying in bed peeling carrots.
I didn't need to be perfect at anything I did.
And I didn't need to have any faith that things would necessarily improve with what I was doing.
I just decided to make the best life for myself that I could in my circumstances.
I'm still not completely symptom-free, but I do continue to improve, very slowly. I don't keep tabs on it.
Every now and again I suddenly realise that I'm doing something I either couldn't do before, or couldn't do for as long or as well.
I went from being severely disabled, repeatedly bedridden (for a total of over 18 months) and housebound for years (almost two decades) to living a much more normal life.
The difference is night and day.
My recovery story is about discovering that I didn't have to force my way out of anything.
I could start ridiculously small.
I could interrupt looping thoughts and simply get on with the next thing.
Even if the next thing is peeling a bloody carrot.
Thank you, Adam — that really means a lot. I’m now wondering if my avatar should be changed to a carrot… it seems only right given their contribution to my recovery!
. I also want to say how much your posts and your wonderful book have helped and inspired people on this forum (me included). For anyone who hasn’t discovered it yet, a shout‑out for Tamara’s book, Defying The Verdict: How I Defeated Chronic Pain: 
