Mama Drama

[Lynn S]

This title is sure to get attention. We all got a bit of this Mama Drama. Three years ago I told my Mother she could no longer live with me and we'd have to make other living arrangements for her. It was this May 6th I saw an old text message. She stated she'd drive back with my brother with whom she was visiting to pick up her belongings and medical records on May 6th.

This came only after two years I relocated her from another State to live with me. She moved in with me with severe medical conditions with less than 20% of her lung capacity.

Yesterday May 6th was not an easy day. I'm still happy about taking care of myself but still causes me a lot of stress. I'm making time tomorrow to write about this and sit with the feelings a bit more. Not so funny how we bury our feelings.

I kept wondering what was I suppose to remember about April 26 when it was approaching, as if it may be someones birthday. I saw this on the text as well that it was the day I put my foot down and told her if she's considering moving back to the State she's visiting that she should stay there until she has a plan together. It's ok to move in 3 to 6 months but figure it out before returning to me. She made no attempt while she was there and likely wouldn't after returning to me. She stays in a state of indecisiveness with things she wants to avoid.

I believe the point in me sharing this right now is to get me started on giving this issue more attention and have the process unfold. My wife and I have actually talked about this regularly over the years. I've come a long way with more to go.

 

[Baseball65]

Our parents become more and more like kids the older we get. Mine has dementia, but her memory is magically intact for some things and not others (like being responsible for anything)...

This is deep dark TMS stuff, because no matter how much they bug our conscious mind , our unconscious is always seeking that connection. The more bankrupt our parents are in redeemable qualities the greater this cognitive dissonance...TMS LOVES cognitive dissonance!!

Keep that awareness on 10

 

[Time2be]

Deep dark TMS stuff, yep! To some extend I could transform the relation with my mother ..to better, by being honest with each other. But she is not demented. Then a whole different story starts. Lynn, I would move slowly, no hasty decisions.

 

[karinabrown]

Hi,

Well the title of this subject completely got to me ‘mama drama’
I am deep into ‘mama drama’ for 3 months now. And really am trying to be real to myself about my responsebility vs ‘against what price?’
How far can i go with this.
This past week i learned that ‘being honest with eachother’ is tricky
Maybe at some point in life some things are better left unsaid’ it hurts even to
write this down now. Because i really
wanted to open up certain things
Get some clearity, maybe i was naïeve

I would indeed go slowly ..

 

[Time2be]

Well, there are limits to honesty .. there are still things unsaid. But I said what I think is necessary to establish a better relationship. E.g. my mother wishes to live with me in the case my father dies. I am living in a different country, she doesn’t know the language and would be totally dependent upon me. This is not an option and I made that clear. And then there are things she never will understand. So yes, some honesty but within limits. I had to accept that my parents are as they are. We do not change them by bring honest .. good luck KarinaBrown!

 

[Lynn S]

All of us must operate in our own comfort zone. There was a time I could take imagine telling my mother we had to make other living arrangements for her. I was her caregiver after relocating her to live with me. I edited writing unfortunately, however, it’s been three years and I didn’t expect that we wouldn’t even be talking to each other. I’ll probably never see her again.

I miss her and have to accept there’s two of us that are in a relationship. If she doesn’t consider my feelings than I have to take care of myself.

I just came across a few posts this past Mother’s day that celebrate the courage it takes to remove ourselves from toxic relationships from our mothers. It shed a new light for me to celebrate this as I move forward. For many years and even today I could say it’s not so bad. I’m stronger, I can deal with it, or I feel sorry for her. Sure it’s natural. I’ve been doing it my entire life.

Again, we only have one life and have to live with the consequence of our decisions. I’d hate to regret it no matter which side of the fence I’m on. I’ll continue to do my best in embraceing my decision. I know that I’m in the minority. I send love, paitience, and compassion to everyone who is dealing with these issues.

 

[Time2be]

Lynn, I can imagine that this is and was a difficult decision. But you are right, a toxic relationship that drags you over and over again into the abyss is no good. I imagine it especially hard to realize that one's own mother is not able to things from her child's perspective and doesn't consider the child's feelings. That's incredibly hard I have to say. I just read a book of a Danish female novelist who also broke contact with her mother for a long time. When the mother became terminal ill she thought that there might be a chance for reconciliation, but no. It never happened and she wrote a book about a childhood without an emphatic mother who never even was interested how the daughter felt.
But your are right, sometimes we all need patience with our parents and I am now at a point where I don't always give them the credit of being old.

 

[karinabrown]

Lynn
I feel for you its a strugle
I am in the same boat but Ofcourse different like all of our lives have there own complications
My mother is a nursing home for now, waiting for a medical treatment
will not go into too much details
But its going on for months
As kids we are strugling with the whole mess of rules in healthcare
etc and her house full
of stuff that has to go
And specially strugling : with her , and sadly : with eachother

Its a mess and i am really surprised how much anger, sadness and frustration i am dealing with
Its totally clear at this point that build up stuff from many years is coming up
Making me feel sad nervous , quilty
etc etc all at the same time
The other day i found myself burstung into tears feeling like a angry little child when i took the elevator to leave the nursing home. Must have looked like a maniac
This was after a nasty discusion with her. Strugling with oblication to do the right thing and wanting to be ‘good to me to’ for a change. Having respect for her old age ..
Not really working so far. Also menopause is fuel for my anger

 

[Time2be]

Just a short note: our parents are old and that makes them also fragile. Of course they will try to play the same games they did when we were children. I try to be the adult now, keep my boundaries, but also being open for the loss and anger they might feel. Some of the things - that especially my father says and does - I try to shrug off. It has nothing to do with me. I try to balance compassion with boundaries. But, I think we cannot avoid this situation as such. Maybe we should think also about what happens when we are getting older and dependent upon help. I don't have children, so I really must think about how I will live a good life when being old.

 

[karinabrown]

Time2be

Well you are way ahead of the game
For sure trying to be the adult but somehow its the child in me that’s hurt again it seems. Its complicated so are the problems that came up because
of this. My mother has a way of creating
nasty stuff between my sisters and me.
And before all this i was coping with that in my own way and could avoid a lot. In fact i avoided her a lot to keep the piece etc.
So now we are all forced’ to interact so much at once : Well its the perfect storm..
No kids here either so will never experience that way of getting old and leaning on kids. Depending on help on other people who are not your blood must be a lot different
that’s for sure

 

[Time2be]

Oh, I thought so. But I am not way ahead of the game! Right now I am home, my fathers 85th birthday. My sister and her boyfriend are also here. My parents are in c9nstant struggle, my sister is fueling the bad atmosphere and as usually I try to be the rational one and finding ‘good’ solutions. But there are none. My fathers says that it would be best he were dead, that’s what he thinks my mum wants. And the most terrible thing: I think he is right, that’s what she hopes. There was never a loving and understanding atmosphere in this house. And then the illnesses - not real illness. Just small things that occur with age. But that was always my fathers domain, he is a TMSer and hypochondriac who always externalized all his his frustration and anxiety. He acts it out - hugely. My mother is the martyr. It’s toxic and I cannot really comprehend how I ever could have lived here. But I did for 18 years - I escaped as soon as possible.
So, we will see how adult I am. Do I need to mention that I have pain?

 

[karinabrown]

No did not forget about the pain
Its obvious this whole situation comes with mega emotions
And Hello ! There’s the psysical reaction again too
And i can relate to the tms father stuff : mines was that way too. Then he got seriously ill and died many years ago
But i can remember his anxiety and problems from all over his life
Somethimes wonder if its in the genes
: or did we lived to long in a house with that example : starting to copy it all ?

After 2 brutal weeks where i really snapped at some point, hardly slept because of all this
we are in some sort of waiting situation now, waiting for medical stuff

I felt so sickish i even turned off my phone just to get some piece
Did not want to hear any of my sisters or my mother
And then i spend two days feeling quilty of that, its nuts!
And i know i have to pick it up today and they will demand ‘something ‘
I feel drained and confused

Like i said : trying to act as an adult but not really doing too well and feel torn between not giving a damn and waiting to escape it all ..
Its an emotional rollercoaster

 

[Lynn S]

Hello all,

I’m reading through everyone’s experience in this thread. I feel so connected to my sisters and baseball. There’s so much healing ahead and we’re doing it right now. This is confirmation for me to continue with the topic of my mother after this thread.

We are not alone. I have a wellness center that focuses on the brain. I was wondering why we have conversation with over eighty percent of our clients about heartache with ones family and most often parents. We’re not psycho therapist. Well stress is the commmon denominator and if you’re awake and or aware you may experience more than others that chooose to stay in the dark. I believe we’re going through this because we’re ready for the lessons.

I acknowledge my feelings I have at the time. I’m receptive to change as my perspective changes, I accept folks for where they are and focus on myself and my needs. compassion is my friend and I really try to feel forgiveness. I’ve learned to trust it happens even when I don’t think I’m doing a good job.

I’m so greatful for everyone that opened their hearts to share with us. Thank you.

 

[karinabrown]

Hi Lynn,

Yes you are right its a huge stressor for many people : parents
Today i realized that too : the fact that my mother as a person plus here situation gets’ to me somuch its because of exact the unique bond there is. No relative or other person could
have that kind of impact on me
There is hardly a chance to escape ‘ that

Indeed trying to feel forgiveness is important and i do try that too
Understanding where some behavior
is coming from does help a bit
Focussen on myself and my needs ‘ as you mentioned is harder to mix with her needs i fear ..