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looking for hope

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by keyboardplaya, Aug 31, 2019.

  1. keyboardplaya

    keyboardplaya New Member


    I am a 30 year old man and have dealt w TMS for 3.5 years. I have seen a TMS doctor various times, all of which he told me that I have TMS. I for some reason still struggle deeply with the disorder. I have spoken personally w Steve Ozanich, who also has told me I fit all the descriptions. I also see a TMS therapist regularly who is convinced I have it, too. Clearly, I have it. But new symptoms regularly pop up and I am so scared that they are actually injuries. Despite this, I run regularly and very hard and try to lead a normal life. I practice lots, exercise and try to carry heavy objects.

    A little background, I am a professional pianist and have a successful music career in NYC. I work hard and am constantly trying to get better and do better professionally. I come from an abusive childhood. I was diagnosed w Tourettes when I was 5. I'm sure that relates to TMS. I also have been on and off anti depressants/anxiety meds for the past 10 years but currently don't take them.

    I think the answer for me is in understanding why I am so angry (childhood abuses, abandonment, perfectionism, goodism, current life events) and then learning to truly be gentler and kinder to myself. Seems like forgiveness wouldn't hurt either. I hope someone can shed light and just give me a kind word as I have been dealing with this for so long and am very upset.
    Bodhigirl likes this.
  2. Sammie

    Sammie Peer Supporter

    Hello keyboardplaya, like you I have seen Dr Schubiner who diagnosed me with MBS two years ago, I’ve been in pain for a long time also. Abusive childhood. I have a trainer and workout and I’m in pain all the time. Frustrating as hell! But you must be kind to yourself, you sound like a highly intelligent man with a lot going for you. Do you believe you have TMS? It doesn’t sound like it. I know that’s hard because the pain is unrelenting. I tell myself each day that this has to heal it can’t go on forever. We have to believe. I don’t know much work you have done? There are great things to read and listen to when you’re discouraged. This can and will heal when it is ready, until then...BELIEVE!

    I hope this helped a little. Hang in there everyone is great on this forum.
    Bodhigirl and JanAtheCPA like this.
  3. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    I'm asking the same question.

    If you don't believe in the TMS concept, then your fearful primitive brain will NEVER make the shift that allows you to heal. The key is understanding that your primitive brain believes that it must keep you in fear so that you can survive. This worked in the primitive world when life was short and the dangers were really obvious, but it does NOT work in today's long and extremely complicated modern life.

    You have GOT to take control, and the first step to that is belief in the diagnosis.

    Again, I'm asking the same question.

    There's a point at which you have to stop consulting therapists and TMS practitioners, recognize that your healing can only come from within, not from others, and make a serious commitment to doing the emotional work. This requires time, courage, and a willingness to be brutally honest with yourself.

    Our SEP - the Structured Educational Program - is probably the easiest way to start. It's broken up into 42 "days" which you can do at your own speed. Be prepared to experience the "symptom imperative" as your brain tries to fight back. And don't try to do the program too fast - you need time to let each segment sink in, especially once you start encountering the exercises that are designed to access your repressed emotions.

    Above all, when you are doing the exercises - making your lists and then writing, do NOT let your brain try to convince you that you can skip some things. If you allow that to happen, your fearful brain wins. I don't care how "unimportant" or shameful the things might be (and believe me, I am speaking from experience) - if you don't have the courage or the willpower to include them and examine them, you will not progress.

    Good luck!
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2019
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  4. birdsetfree

    birdsetfree Well known member

    This is the journey inward for you. There is so much healing in this work and you have definitely started the process. Add determination and keep your eye on the prize, that is, a comfortable peaceful life. I agree with JanAtheCPA about working through the Structured Educational Program if you haven't already done so.
    Bodhigirl and JanAtheCPA like this.
  5. Sammie

    Sammie Peer Supporter

    I agree with JanAtheCPA and birdsetfree . I have been doing the Structured Educational Program and it really makes you look at things in a more positive light. It gives you hope. I think when you come from dysfunction you believe you are dysfunction, but you are not there anymore. As Dr. Phil says, we may have COME from dysfunction, but we are NOT dysfunction. We can change, and we must!

    We are not unique in matters of the heart. All of us have gifts to share that are one of a kind! I tell myself I am uniquely me and I’m no different from others in my basic human needs. Just keep repeating this throughout the day. Not easy. But just hang in there!
    Bodhigirl and JanAtheCPA like this.
  6. Bodhigirl

    Bodhigirl Well known member

    I hear you working hard at playing piano! Maybe you could use that wonderful brain and talent to play at being better... we who come from any kind of abuse or trauma tend to take everything so seriously. We work too hard. Many of us are workaholics. It’s a sickness that gets applause. Adrenaline is also a great painkiller except for when it is a pain creator.
    It was serious stuff you endured as a kid. My stuff was serious, too.
    To cure the pain, I keep a running series of notes to break the trance of the pain. My brain is my friend, it’s flexible and it knows there is no magical trick to avoid dark feelings.
    When my shoulder started hurting last week, I knew it was TMS and when I cup my eyes with my palms and affirm I Am Safe ...the pain disappears! No kidding.
    Allow for miracles. They are truly possible.
    plum likes this.
  7. keyboardplaya

    keyboardplaya New Member

    Hi All,

    I appreciate your kind words and thoughts, respectively. I agree with all that's been said, particularly that I don't truly believe that I have TMS. I understand that belief is the basis of recovery. I see how the brain uses flare-ups and pain to generate fear, which in turn perpetuates the pain cycle. In fact, the primitive brain uses any opportunity possible to generate pain and henceforth fear and doubt. Without belief that these uncomfortable, albeit harmless feelings are generated by the brain, the sufferer remains ensnared. I am caught in this cycle but I feel more confident after what's been said that I must be relentless in my dismissal of injury and determined/persistent in Belief of TMS.

    I think for me, when I get attacks, it is critical to accept the feelings, acknowledge that it's TMS, and not respond to it with more fear, just go about my business.

    Up 'til now, I have journaled hundreds of pages over the past year and read 3 TMS books multiple times. I will consider the SEP. I did Alan Gordon's 21 day program last year.

    birdsetfree and Bodhigirl like this.
  8. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    birdsetfree likes this.
  9. keyboardplaya

    keyboardplaya New Member

    Thanks Jan,

    I listened to it and it resonates.

    I am also wondering if anyone has any cracking or popping in the joints? I have this sensation in the shoulders. According to Sarno and Ozanich this is normal and probably symptomatic of TMS/stress/worry.
  10. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    So the question you have to ask yourself is: why are you spending time asking if others have these symptoms?

    Answer: because you are allowing your primitive brain to keep you distracted and in fear by this very common activity that we call "reassurance-seeking" behavior.

    Listen to Dr. Schubiner. One of the things he says is that people who think they've addressed their emotional issues might not have actually done so, or that they have current issues that they are not effectively dealing with. It's all about self-honesty.
  11. Sammie

    Sammie Peer Supporter

    Keyboardplaya you remind me of me. I ask all the questions also. When no one can answer them to my satisfaction, I get severe anxiety! I need constant reassurance from people that I’m okay! I know logically I’m okay, but I fear emotionally I’m broken. I think when our parents don’t protect us and give us unconditional love, we suffer, it changes who we should have been, and now we have no clue who we are! You and I were abused, we are prone to question. We don’t feel safe in the world. This is “normal “. Some people don’t understand this, that’s okay. You and I will get there. We can do this. Hang on and don’t give up! We just have to fight harder!

    As for the question. I have popping, cracking, rubbing, aching,etc. I have so many sensations I’ve stopped asking anyone about them. My doctor told me I’ve had this for so long that I would have been dead a long time ago, so stop worrying!dancea I’m just saying!
  12. keyboardplaya

    keyboardplaya New Member

    Thanks for the posts, Sammie, Jan and others. I appreciate you all greatly. It's helpful to know that others have had the same experiences. I honestly feel as though I have unpacked a lot of the emotional stuff, as well as current life stresses through journaling, therapy, books, etc. What Schubiner says about the people that simply need to let go, stop trying so hard, and be radically accepting of the pain 'til they don't care about it and it shuts itself off; I identify with that group. Although, as you all have probably experienced, it is VERY DIFFICULT (for me personally) to do that because I am constantly afraid that I am hurting myself. Of course, as a new symptom appears, my other ones vanish. Yesterday I had horrible pain at the back of the left shoulder. Today, it is the right. And I almost always have knee pain and today I have none and walked 7 miles (I live in NYC). That's clearly TMS.

    Perhaps there is more to unpack/or changes in my daily life that need to happen but I feel as though I've already done a lot of that work and to no avail. I feel that when I truly believe in TMS and don't care anymore, I can be free. I hope so, at least.
  13. Sammie

    Sammie Peer Supporter

    I am a patient of Dr Schubiner and in his office one day he told me “ You are already healed, you just don’t know it yet”!
    Powerful words!
    birdsetfree likes this.

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