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long journey

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by nikki, Mar 31, 2015.

  1. nikki

    nikki Newcomer

    I am new to the forum.This is my first message on a interactive site.
    In 2012 I injured my left foot.I
    was a runner 9 years.
    My injury was real and not diagnosed for 5 months and many failed types of treatment
    in the months before diagnosis discouraged me . After diagnosis( and before) I had foot pain in all movements and started doing everything differently to accomodate that I thought about every step I took and life became hard for me. Thinking I was over using my hand to lift myself out of chairs I developed bilateral hand and wrist pain and shoulder pains and became hypersensitive about all my movements looking for pain constantly. I started listening to my knees and began thinking about all my movements sitting and standing. I had orthodics made and they helped me . I took extended acupuncture during this time.

    As far as my right foot I was given the okay to commence running in the fall of 2013. The pain was not there but my hands and wrists and shoulders were painful and I was in misery. When I began running I was de-conditioned and scared , and it was hard on me. I immediately suffered a right foot tendonitis. After that I had difficulty walking( which I had not had with my original foot injury) and after that I needed physiotherapy again and went for a number of months . That immobility really scared me. All of these months were dark as I would wake every day to left foot pain and spasm and after my tendonitis I started to guard that foot as well. Both feet took to hurting and I was in misery.

    Before the second injury I was somewhat optimistic about a return to normal life .After my second injury that seemed to fade. Those next months were dark for me with 2 sore feet hurting in places I never ever had pain. The tendonitis did heal completely.

    Despite this backdrop I tried running again in 2014, June. I ran for 3 weeks in a row but my left ankle on the inside side pained so I stopped again. I walked a great deal for my tremendous anxiety abut all of this and keeping my health with physical activity. I never enjoyed it but did it compulsively. I still was uneasy about all of my movements monitoring every move for pain. All summer I had continual blisters ( which I never before had in my entire life) which made me scared and overwhelmed .

    In the late summer of 2014 I found out about Dr. Sarnos on line and ordered his book. My problems were not back related but I could see many parallels . I read the book and my hand and wrist pains went away. Prior to that I had thought I had real problem there. My left foot pain also diminished significantly. I felt more normal that I had for a long time. I had not problems with either leg .

    In August of 2014 my father died. I had not been myself for over two years when this happened and I so sad he did not get to see me" right" before he passed away. He loved me so much and just wanted me to be well.

    Despite all my reading the fear still continued but diminished. I tried running here and there and had calf pain. I got a stretch for this and it went away . I was amazed I could get some relief.

    I walked all summer and got in good distances but was always in some sort of low level pain due to incredible fear of immobility. I have not taken one foot step since this all happened that I do not pay attention to or monitor...not one...

    On a couple of occasions in this period I thought I was as better as I could get and then I would have pain that would make me cry out of fear and anxiety . I dug out Dr. Sarnos and continued reading. I got all three of his books. Just reading his books some days would make it better.

    In December of 2014 I commenced running again. I am a three time a week runner 5 k . I started and had left leg pain at the top of pelvis . I tried as much as possible to just resume my normal activities. I had upper left pelvis pain but my foot was fine. I kept running and got a stretch that brought complete relief. I had been limping in pain but the stretch and my heated car seat made me realize it was all a facade. My heated car seat brought complete relief and I could see some light at the end of the tunnel.

    I ran throughout January and February and was okay but my left foot would always be there in my mind. It would spasm at predictable times after a run but always there.

    In March I got a discomfort on the right leg in the quad. I again saw the deception and continued to run through the pain but it was quite painful and I went to see physio who gave me some stretches after an exam She felt I was good to run and that all of my muscles and balance were good..

    Now my left quad muscle hurts to walk and I am so desperately upset I cannot even think . I have been under the power of this problem for 3 years in May and it has literally taken over my life. I am limping and have stopped exercising which is something I have done daily for 17 years.

    There is no one who understands the internal frustration that comes with going from being an active , healthy person to one absolutely paralyzed with fear of pain and living with pain.

    Dr. Sarnos book helped me tremendously and it turned me around but now I am at my wits end again with the fear of what this new pain that is stopping me from walking will do to me. I am reading my books but feeling so discouraged. My mind is working me to now about this pain and I monitor my standing and walking.

    I had had much anxiety for years before this injury and aftermath and afterwards I could not get anxious about anything much. I cannot think of things that make me mad except my situation . Things that used to terrify me before do not anymore.

    I have read and reread Dr. Sarnos's books and have his Healing Back Pain with me at all times in my purse. I have tried doing the journal and write out things but it does not seem to help at all. I also listen to UTube videos about success ect.. I have thought of seeing TMS doctor. I have struggled alone for three years and would so much like input, insight . With great thanks...
  2. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Niki. I'm sorry you are in such pain. You healed before after reading Dr. Sarno,
    so I believe you will heal again from his theory that TMS causes pain because our
    subconscious is giving it to us so we will discover the psychological cause(s), repressed emotions, causing the pain.

    You wrote that you have fear that pain while running will bring on more pain. That's a conditioned reflex
    and you have to stop that. Replace it with positive mantras that you are going to heal.

    If you have not yet, I urge you to begin the Structural Education Forum, free in the subforum.
    It is a wonderful program of daily exercises that can lead you to TMS healing techniques.
    I found journaling to be very helpfu. It took me back to my boyhood and I discovered I was
    holding in a lot of anger after my parents divorced when I was 7. I felt like the floor of security
    was pulled out from under me. In journaling I learned more about my parents and that they had
    their own TMS from their early years and afterward. This all led me to forgive them,
    and that healed my severe back pain.

    TMS recovery is more than reading a book or two. It is a journey to self-discovery that will
    make you healthier and happier than you ever thought possible. Notice I said will, not may.

    Good luck and keep posting.
    Lizzy likes this.
  3. Ellen

    Ellen Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Nikki,

    Thanks for sharing your journey with us. You've come to the right place, as most of us on this Forum have had similar long journeys with mindbody pain.

    A couple of things jumped out at me from your post. You stated you were "looking for pain constantly". This is one of the main ways our brain keeps us in pain. We constantly scan our bodies looking for it. It becomes our focus. TMS recovery is, in part, about changing our focus. I suggest you read Alan Gordon's Recovery Program on this site, and especially the part about Outcome Independence. It is a key to recovery.

    The other thing was when you mentioned that your father had died. I am so sorry for your loss, and I know how hard it is to lose a loved one. You mentioned that you were sad he hadn't been able to see you "right" before he passed away. This brings up a key issue in my own recovery related to realizing how low my self esteem is, and which is a common trait in people with TMS. We believe we have to be perfect for people to love us, and so we put tremendous pressure on ourselves to be perfect. We don't believe people will love us or want to be around us if we are in pain and not at our best. This internal pressure to be perfect creates so much stress and tension and feeds our TMS.

    I agree with Walt that most of us are not able to achieve a lasting cure by reading books on TMS alone. We may get temporary relief, which helps us to see that our pain is due to TMS. But lasting recovery requires a lot of work, persistence, and commitment. Fortunately, there are many tools available to help us along the way. The SEP on this site is good and free. Dr. Howard Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain is very good too. There are others. Just pick one and then only work on it an hour a day. The rest of your time should be devoted to enjoying life as much as possible. But it really helps to follow a daily structured program in my experience.

    Welcome to the Forum! Keep us posted on how you're doing and feel free to ask questions or to ask for support at any time. We are all here to support one another on our healing journeys.

    Best wishes...
    Ryan likes this.
  4. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Nikki,

    I am happy that you are here, and that you have gotten thoughtful guidance from Walt and Ellen.

    I didn't take a step that didn't hurt for at least 3 years straight. Then I found Sarno and things changed. Here is my story:

    I climbed the big volcanoes and skied off the top. I portaged heavy loads on wilderness canoe trips. I was a wilderness ranger. Then I was in airports in wheelchairs visiting doctors spending lots of money, always afraid. So I do know, and most here know some version of our experience. It is a hell that closes in on itself. We do know, and we understand. Most of our friends and families don't exactly understand, but we do, so you are now among brothers and sisters.

    The great news is you found Dr. Sarno's work, you know TMS is real, and you've had lots of success. This is indisputable.

    It may help to keep reminding yourself of all the breakthroughs large and small that you had in the past. Make a list and keep reading it everyday, remembering those times the pain went away or changed places. This way you focus on the fact TMS is real, and it explains your symptoms. This is the essence of the cure in my experience. Deep understanding.

    What is this like for you? If it is hard, this might be a clue that accessing more feelings will be beneficial.

    One more focus area to look at based on your story: Your work with fear.

    You will find your way through this no doubt, since each person finds their own way. I am glad you are here.

    Andy B.
  5. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Andy. You gave a terrific reply to Nikki. The video is so good on showing how to overcome fear.
    Lot of people need to watch it because fear seems to be a problem for them.
    Fearing that a symptom will get worse, or exercise may increase their pain.

    Wishing you and everyone a very Happy and pain-free Easter!
  6. Lavender

    Lavender Well known member

    So well stated! When one is in terrible pain constantly, they don't want their loved ones to have a heavy heart over their situation. I believe that is the reason for isolation,( along with fear of being out somewhere without any of their usual pain crutches. )However the consequences are that there is separation anyway and both parties are sad.
    On the other hand, some friends do seem to drop off as time goes by. I do not judge them for it. Friendship is a two way street and the chronically ill person simply cannot hold up their end most of the time.
    Lizzy likes this.

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