Leg pain and numbness and catastrophizing

Hi everyone-
It's been quite a while since I posted anything here.

I have a long history with mind-body issues, from childhood asthma and allergies to 30 years of back pain, IBS, carpal tunnel, foot pain, tinnitus, neck pain...and on and on.

All of these things have been with me at some point in my life. I discovered Sarno close to 10 years ago and got the "book cure" for my back and was pain free for about 5 years. Then things started returning. Mostly back pain and IBS. The IBS seems pretty resolved, but the back pain is still there and a new manifestation of TMS appeared last summer.

My wife and I were walking around the neighborhood when after about 1/2 mile I suddenly noticed my left calf felt numb. Not all of it, just the front of it...my shin. Of course the first thing I did was panic.I'm a very active person. I like to bike hard for long distances and do long walks. And if I have one over-riding worst-case scenario fear in my life, it's losing my mobility.

My wife and I took a trip to Northern Michigan last summer and planned a lot of walking. The reoccuring numbness and my anxiety about it put a big damper on that trip. Then my grown sons and I met in Kansas City to ride 150 miles on the Katy Bike Trail. My leg was fine cycling, but the whole trip was nerve wracking for me. I constantly worried about my leg giving out.

Finally, it nearly ruined a family trip to Canada in the fall. Some days we all walked up to 10 miles around Montreal and Toronto. Yes, I made it. But I was constantly monitoring my leg. Constantly worried. And although I made it, I had several episodes of numbness.

I've been reading a lot of TMS literature (The Way Out, Steve Ozanich, Fred Amir) doing the curable app and even meeting with a counselor via zoom. And I felt like I was on a good path, making progress. Twice I walked to work (1 1/2 hour walk) with no issues.

However this Sunday I woke up to a really sharp pain, maybe 8/10, in the thigh of the same leg. Walking more than a few steps bring on excruciating pain. The pain seems to radiate down from my left hip. My calf isn't in pain though.

I've still been walking, albeit slowly, while humming, smiling and reassuring myself it's just another manifestation of TMS. But I'll admit, it still scares me.

My Dr doesn't seem concerned (had an xray last summer and he agreed that I have the normal back of a 59 year old man. When I mentioned things like parkinsons he shrugged it off. He prescribed 6 visits to the PT and NSAIDS.

Then I found out 2 weeks ago I have prostate cancer. I actually go in this morning to find out just how serious it is and what treatment options are. Right now I feel like a mess...like a patient and not a person.

Does anyone else have these weird limb pain/numbness issues? How have you dealt with them? The guy I meet with on zoom is a big help, but I have to admit I feel so alone in all of this right now.

Jay

 

@jayMck
First of all, you are not alone! Writing down my support teams by name has been helpful to me. Let’s see: you have “the guy you meet with”, now you will have a team of caring doctors, you have yourself, you have all the folks here. I use a secondary support list too: perhaps spouse, any friends, children, co-workerssiblings.. anyone who shows you respect and kindness.
Fearing being alone should not be overlooked in your journalling. Explore how that feels emotionally. Notice your perceived thoughts on being alone vs your list. You might begin to note what else you need for support at this time in your life.
Read a bit about tms again. Refresh yourself, your Dr. Gave you the all clear.
Give yourself heaps of self compassion! If compassionate care support is offered with your cancer services, take it! You are going through a lot! Be aware of what is stressing you, how you react to it. Take note of your physical feelings and circumstances. How to they relate to your stress eg: travel and symptoms -what emotional stuff is going on to make you feel unsafe at this time?
Feel your emotions, allow everything, understand that you are feeling normal, human emotions and sensations. In essence brush up on TMS work. You could do the SEP here again, or any tms program with the support of the person you are talking to.
Take stock of your victories! You did a cycling trip! You DID NOT ruin a family vacation - you were stressed (take stock of why) but you got through it! Look at your personality traits and see how they contribute to generating internal stress! I like that you started off saying you’ve been doing pretty good -you have!
You might find this thread helpful: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/flare-up-symptom-imperative.18289/ (Flare up, symptom imperative?)
“What is going on in your life”

 

Darling Friend, you are so not alone. Remember 20% of Americans have sensitive nervous systems just like we do. Be kind to yourself, think about, and speak to yourself with loving supportive words. You got this, and whole lot of folks here have got your back. Remind your beautiful body that it is not in danger, ask it what its afraid of, sad about, angry over. Take whatever comes to mind ,and process your feelings around that stuff. This is the door to lasting relief based I can teel from my experiences. I think this kind of work is best done with another person, but doing it alone is fine. Focus on doing little things that bring you joy. I like to watch comedy before I go to bed, Fluffy is my fav. Or I do art or watch fashion shows online. All that to say, relax and have some fun, makes some art. Mostly remember that you are never alone. Invisible arms wrap themselves around you supporting you to calm your sensitive nervous system.

 

I appreciate the support and kind words. It's just hard because right now I feel like I've fallen into a deep pit of fear and doubt. Last weekend was the worst: we planned a family trip to Madison, WI with our grown sons and their girlfriends. We hoped to spend the time skating on the frozen lakes, eating at our favorite places and celebrating our sons' birthdays (they are 2 years and one day apart, 25 and 27. Anyway, the leg pain was really ramping up before we left. I finally asked my doc to prescribe something I could have in my back pocket if things got bad. He ended up giving me prednisone, hydrocodone and a muscle relaxer. In hindsight, I know this was my fear and doubt pushing aside everything I believe about my pain - namely that it's all TMS. On the first day I buckled and started taking them. The pain in my left leg was unbearable anytime I stood up, walked or lied down. The only pain free position was sitting upright in a chair. The drugs did absolutely nothing. And not being able to walk without cringing in pain or stopping to stretch every 30 feet really put a damper on the whole weekend. At least for me.
We got back home last night and I was able to see my doctor today and he's convinced I have a ruptured disc that's pinching a nerve. He wants me to get an MRI and then we'll go from there. I let him know that surgery is absolutely out of the question. He said 90% of people in my shape don't need surgery anyway so not to worry. He sent me home with a prescription for gabapentin (because I came in walking with a limp from the pain and I guess a tortured look on my face) and a referral for an MRI. I think part of me wants to get the MRI just so I can have an actual diagnosis...even if I KNOW that ruptured discs and bone spurs, and all the other problems they'll find are just TMS. I feel like knowing my enemy, seeing it on an MRI might help steel me to fully accept the TMS diagnosis. Afterall, I've read so many stories here that are similar to mine. Has anybody out there been glad they did the MRI?

 

@jayMck Hi there, There's a lot here and I appreciate reading this discussion. I just re-read your initial post and want to pull out a few threads. I can relate quite a bit to your fear of losing your mobility.

I can also relate to the successful intense physical exercise (more the norm for you & your life/where you want to be) followed by not being able to walk around the neighborhood.

You described 30 years of a variety of symptoms, as well as 5 years of being pain-free as a result of a "book cure." That's powerful! Just on books alone, you found those results for 5 years. There are so many more resources (that you mention later and are using) available now.

You cycled 150 miles on the Katy Bike Trail!! Sure, you were panicked that your leg would give out....but it didn't. Cycling 150 miles is a level of fitness that many many people will never get to....Many people wouldn't even want to get there.
The rationalizing mind could jump in here....I did it over several days. It's just a flat rail trail, not hills. I should've been able to crank out 200 miles in that time. Etc. etc.
(That's what my mind does to me. Our brains get in our way in different ways, right? So, I'm not sure this is how you process things.)

I also really like the suggestions you got here, including @Cactusflower reminding you that you are not alone and have so many levels of support. That is super important.

Finally, the trips/explorations you have with your wife and adult sons are beautiful. Consider yourself extremely fortunate to have those family relationships--and shared interests. It's really cool to hear that your adult sons pulled off that cycling trip with you. Just as cool, the walks around the neighborhood with your wife and your other trips. You have so many reasons to dive in here with TMS work and come out the other side pain-free. You deserve it! Hang in there.