homorobothead
Well known member
Hey everyone!
Today is the last day in the SEP for me and I wanted to let y'all know how grateful I am to all of you. I seriously could not have done this without your encouragement, your friendship, and your gentle prodding.
I would say say that I am 99% better. I plan to do Kristen Neff's Self Compassion book next, and then maybe one of the other TMS books.
I have learned so much about myself through this whole thing. I hold onto my emotions so tightly sometimes, and I never thought that was the case. I strove to be "good" and "perfect" so much that my mind was absolutely screaming for someone, anyone to hear how painful and tiring it was to be holding all of this grief, this anger, this disappointment. I was an overflowing levee. Now, I know where the release is. The levee will feel pressure again, because it will always rain, but I don't have to let it get so full anymore.
I learned that my pain is just a sensation, like a breeze on my face is a sensation and I can choose how to direct my focus. I learned that my body isn't broken. I learned that my health anxiety is another way to distract myself from painful feelings, that I have a choice there too. I learned that all the painful and traumatic events from my past deserved my attention and care. They weren't my fault. They aren't my fault.
Most of all though, I learned that I am not "bad." That it is not "bad" or "demanding" to feel angry or afraid. I am allowed to take a break any time I want. I am a grown woman and if I need to step away to take a breath, I can. And I will.
Funnily enough, I've been having some tightness in my trap this morning (after I journalled it went right away) because I am in conflict with the same potter in my studio as usual and I have to see him today. Here's the drama in case you're curious: He is in charge of putting on a high school art show at the local community college and refused to hang a girl's art because he said it was "suicidal" and there was nudity (it was a curled up naked girl - nothing was showing). I pressed him and he finally admitted that he actually didn't care about the nudity or the "suicidal themes" he was just worried that administration would see the nudity, and he was worried about losing his status as "instructor of the year" at the college.
That made me exceedingly angry, because he wasn't thinking about nurturing or understanding this young artist, he just wanted to censor her, without consideration for HER at all. WHat about HER self-expression? He just wanted to pander to a bunch of bureaucrats WHO DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR HIM TO TAKE THEM DOWN.
So I offered to buy her paintings. Citing that I like how they pushed boundaries. He never answered me and is now giving me the cold shoulder.
But I am responsible for my own self and no one else. I can be angry. It's allowed. And I did nothing wrong. I'm about to get on my bike and pedal it all out. Then a guided meditation. I have so many tools now to help, thanks to this program.
Thank you all for reading. I think I'll stick around for a bit. This journey is an ongoing one and this community has been the lynchpin.
Today is the last day in the SEP for me and I wanted to let y'all know how grateful I am to all of you. I seriously could not have done this without your encouragement, your friendship, and your gentle prodding.
I would say say that I am 99% better. I plan to do Kristen Neff's Self Compassion book next, and then maybe one of the other TMS books.
I have learned so much about myself through this whole thing. I hold onto my emotions so tightly sometimes, and I never thought that was the case. I strove to be "good" and "perfect" so much that my mind was absolutely screaming for someone, anyone to hear how painful and tiring it was to be holding all of this grief, this anger, this disappointment. I was an overflowing levee. Now, I know where the release is. The levee will feel pressure again, because it will always rain, but I don't have to let it get so full anymore.
I learned that my pain is just a sensation, like a breeze on my face is a sensation and I can choose how to direct my focus. I learned that my body isn't broken. I learned that my health anxiety is another way to distract myself from painful feelings, that I have a choice there too. I learned that all the painful and traumatic events from my past deserved my attention and care. They weren't my fault. They aren't my fault.
Most of all though, I learned that I am not "bad." That it is not "bad" or "demanding" to feel angry or afraid. I am allowed to take a break any time I want. I am a grown woman and if I need to step away to take a breath, I can. And I will.
Funnily enough, I've been having some tightness in my trap this morning (after I journalled it went right away) because I am in conflict with the same potter in my studio as usual and I have to see him today. Here's the drama in case you're curious: He is in charge of putting on a high school art show at the local community college and refused to hang a girl's art because he said it was "suicidal" and there was nudity (it was a curled up naked girl - nothing was showing). I pressed him and he finally admitted that he actually didn't care about the nudity or the "suicidal themes" he was just worried that administration would see the nudity, and he was worried about losing his status as "instructor of the year" at the college.
That made me exceedingly angry, because he wasn't thinking about nurturing or understanding this young artist, he just wanted to censor her, without consideration for HER at all. WHat about HER self-expression? He just wanted to pander to a bunch of bureaucrats WHO DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR HIM TO TAKE THEM DOWN.
So I offered to buy her paintings. Citing that I like how they pushed boundaries. He never answered me and is now giving me the cold shoulder.
But I am responsible for my own self and no one else. I can be angry. It's allowed. And I did nothing wrong. I'm about to get on my bike and pedal it all out. Then a guided meditation. I have so many tools now to help, thanks to this program.
Thank you all for reading. I think I'll stick around for a bit. This journey is an ongoing one and this community has been the lynchpin.
What a beautiful post about what you learned; I’m going to bookmark it.
. The Chisos ones really spoke to me, and of course I had to look up what you meant by "colors of the Chisos" - it's a part of the country I've never been to. Although, that psychedelic pattern is pretty fabulous... I'm not surprised you're selling out!
We all have our part to play.