Hi Nancy,
My guess is that you are so very very angry at your husband at what he has done to you and to your sons. I think forgiveness is difficult if you have not worked through all that anger. As I have read that spiritual people tend to repress anger even more because they feel they need to focus on love and forgiveness. And, of course, we know the power of guilt when feeling anger towards someone we love.
As Dr. Christiane Northrop suggests using an old dish towel to wack out all the anger in the body. When I became aware of what had really happened to me as a child, realizing my Mother could never hold me in her arms and tell me how deeply she loved me and how very damaged I have been all my life... I still could not feel the anger. It was pushed so deeply inside me as physical pain and depression.
When alone in the house I took that old dish towel and wacked away on woodwork, cabinets and sofas. I cried and screamed at my Mother. "How could you do this to me? (scared the poor dog to death). Dr. Northrup suggests doing this for 10 minutes. That is a really long time. I wish she had suggested to switch shoulders after 5 minutes. I could not move that shoulder the next day but, boy, did I feel better. And I did it repeatedly for the next few weeks.
I would cry and scream at your husband for hurting you so much. How you stood by him all those years through all his crap and then he did this to you and your sons. Scream at that man and wack away, cry and scream and wack... get it out of your body, get it out. Get out all that pain and anger..... whew, I am feeling better already. You go Girl..... you can do it.
Stella
P.S. I bought a used plastic bat. I bunch up the pillow like it is my Mother's head. "How could you have done this to me? Pain and depression all my life because of you....all my life." Whew
Several times a day I wish my parents would be hit by a car (such a burden) No, I don't feel guilty, well I do, but I shrug it off because I know it is perfectly normal. Everybody feels something like this but never talk about it. IT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL.
I had a woman comment to me "you are so lucky you still have your Mother." I said "well, I don't feel that way all the time." She said "boy, isn't that the truth." Everybody feels these thought. IT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL.