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It's ok to make mistakes or fail.

rocksolid

rocksolid

New Member
So I have been going through the course work that was suggested here and I think It has been helpful. It made me realize things about my personality. I always viewed myself as the type of person that people come to when they needed something. I am reliable and pride myself on getting things done. The problem is this leaves no room for error or failure. I would not call myself a perfectionist but I do like to help people and not fail them. When I make a mistake I always feel really bad. Last night I dreamt that I got into a car accident and all I could think is that my wife is going to be very upset. The pit of my stomach ached. When I woke up and was re leaved to recall it was just a dream but I thought why do I feel this way? Why did I fear my wife like that? Was I scared she was not going to like me anymore? Did I think she would be disappointed in me? When really I know she would just be happy that I was not hurt. I need to learn that it is ok to make mistakes and nobody is perfect and it is ok to let people down from time to time, they will get over it and they will continue to like me. It's not fair to put pressure on myself to always achieve. I also have a hard time accepting help from others, in part because I have really had nobody to rely on but myself in my adult life and either I got use to it or maybe I wanted to achieve on my own without help. Sorry this is long and I might be blabbing, but I thought I would post.
 
Hi, Rocksolid.

I wish I had a friend like you, who cares so much about others. I have a few of those and treasure them.
I appreciate their concern, but I don't expect them to carry me on their back.

I too try to be helpful to others, but have had experiences with some people who will eat me alive.
There is just so much we can do for others. We shouldn't blame ourselves if we can't help them entirely.

My favorite author, F. Scott Fitzgerald, wrote something like this: "When we're young, we thinks friends can help us.
When we're older, we realize that no one can help us." He meant we have to help ourselves. Ultimately,
everyone has to help themselves. We can ask God to help us, but not rely on any mortal to do that.

Be kind to yourself. You're a good and caring person.

If I can find Fitzgerald's exact quote, I'll post it here. He was a fantastic writer and I wish I'd known him.
 
Thanks for the kind responses. I saw the video where they spoke about the " Me " and " Should" Where they fight. This is true for me and I don't know how to deal with it. I have an Autistic child and I make more money then my wife. I am in a dead end job that does not satisfy me, but it's flexible and stable which I am thankful for. I really want to be my own boss but to take that leap of faith is too high a risk, so the ME fights with the SHOULD and I think that is part of my problem, but how do I solve that? I can't just quit my job.
 
Hi again, Rocksolid.

I quit a job I hated 40 years ago and became a freelance writer of books and articles.
My web site is at: www.walteroleksybooks.com

I don't recommend quitting a job in this economy, but suggest you spend nights and weekends
doing something you would like to do fulltime.

I found lots of great Fitzgerald quotes in a google search, including the one I paraphrased:

"It is in the thirties that we want friends. In the forties we know they won't save us any more than love did."

And these two others (among many):

"At eighteen our convictions are hills from which we look; at forty-five they are caves in which we hide."

"I like people and like them to like me, but I wear my heart where God put it, on the inside."
 
Nearly every failure is an opportunity to learn and is followed by success.

Psychiatrists studied children who were putting a puzzle together. Those who had trouble but learned from their mistakes had much better outcomes than the children who looked at it as failure and quit.
 
Hi Rocksolid,

I can very much relate to your post and the pressure you put on yourself. As your dream demonstrates, the fear of making mistakes and letting anyone down runs very deep. This is why I always try to remind my children that they don't have to do anything to earn my love and respect. I know they are trying their best even when they don't wake up to their alarm or fail a math test they thought was really easy. The funny thing is it is so effortless to love and accept my children this way but when it comes to myself it is a whole different story! Since I began this TMS recovery process I have done a lot of work uncovering my internal bully. There is a lot of great material on this site about it and pay particular attention to what Alan Gordon has written. The first step is becoming aware of what you are thinking and the messages you are sending yourself when "bad" things happen. When accidents happen or something doesn't go quite as well as you thought it could, when a very human mistake is made, who do you blame? If you tend to blame yourself like I do, are you as critical and as unforgiving of others as you are of yourself? I had to actively, consciously practice not blaming and beating myself up for things. It took a lot of work and in the beginning I often beat myself up for beating myself up. Even now I have to slow down and make the effort. Just yesterday, a caregiver did not show up to take care of one of my favorite, long standing and high needs client because she did not realize the schedule we gave her was a regular schedule. It was terrible timing and the client who is usually so wonderful and understanding about everything was very upset. We solved the situation best we could and then I started to fall back into my old ways of feeling really bad about the mistake and blaming myself for not having been more careful and thorough. Then I stopped myself and said "Anne, mistakes happen. We do a really great job 99% of the time, I have done my best to fix it, apologized, and the client will either get over it or they won't. I care, I tried my best, and that is the most anyone can expect." And then I let it go!!! It has taken me several years to accomplish that ability but it makes a huge difference in the pressure I put on myself and how I feel physically. This internal bully is deeply ingrained in many of us with TMS and if you are dreaming about feeling personally responsible for a car accident, than I imagine that bully is giving you a hard time too!
 
I don't usually blame myself for mistakes I make. If I make a mistake I own up to it and fix it if I can. If people around me make mistakes I am always re-assuring that it's not the end of the world. Mistakes happen and that's that. I can't remember the last time I screamed at somebody for making a mistake. I think I just put too much pressure on myself because I know people expect me to come through on something. This started when I was young. I have a brother who is a big screw up and I was always a good kid that pretty much stayed out of trouble, so when I did mess up a big deal was always made about it and on the other hand when my brother did something positive a big deal was made about it. I use to think " Hey I do good things all the time, where are my accolades " But people would say that it was expected of me and not my brother.

I am working through the program and on day 8 it asks Are you having success at recognizing the emotions connected to your pain? If you have, how do these emotions make you feel? If not, what do you think is preventing you from doing this? I have done a lot of writing and some journaling and I still can't pinpoint what my issue is. I have tons of issues between my mother, father, brother, and current conditions now. Could it be one issue or could they all be the issue? I wish I could find the one and work on it and then finally get better. I am so tired of being spaced out, it's been over 3 yrs non stop 24/7
 
I have a lot going on, but I was never able to pinpoint a single issue or answer that suddenly explained the reason I was in pain. When a disc ruptured in my back 20 years ago, I read a book by Doctor Sarno. I then spent 2 months desperately trying to figure out the emotional cause of my pain, examining and journaling about various traumas from my childhood. Since I had not real relief from my efforts after a few months I gave up and had back surgery. It is a shame because I had discovered the reason for my pain, TMS, but I did not work at it long enough and I did not know anything about outcome independence. After 20 years of an assortment of various chronic pain conditions, I finally circled back around to Dr. Sarno. This time I really committed myself and although it took me longer than most, I am finally realizing lasting results. Its not just that I am for the most part pain free, I am also more content with my life overall. I understand very well how exhausting it is to be in pain, for things to just not feel right and not being able to figure out or understand why. I spent a good part of my life exploring, looking for an answer because I could not live my life in pain and I also could not give up on life. The only advise I can give is try as much as possible to focus on your life, not the pain. It doesn't work to just tell yourself not to think about the pain. You have to think about something else. I spent several months with a somatic experiencing therapist learning how to focus and feel the parts of my body that were not in pain. They are there, but your mind is going to the areas in pain. There are probably things you really enjoy doing and when you get caught up in them, you forget about the pain momentarily. Increase those moments. Be persistent, keep doing all the things you know that you enjoy even if it feels like you can't enjoy them now because of the pain. Keep an evidence list and record any inconsistencies you notice in a purely structural diagnosis. And before you know it, you'll be here giving others advice and being amazed at how good you feel!!
 
I will keep trying. Part of my problem I think is full commitment. I really think TMS is my issue but I keep thinking about a forum I was ready ( I know not a good idea) where people who had impacted wisdom teeth had them pulled and they felt better. They also have the same symptoms as I do so I go back and forth on this. Here is the link to the forum if you want to look. http://www.steadyhealth.com/topics/nausea-dizziness-wisdom-teeth?page=6

I will keep going with the TMS program and hopefully things will get better. All I know is My neck muscles are tight and I am going to PT for it ( I know I am suppose to stop all treatments ) and my jaw hurts which could be from TMS or Neck pain, or wisdom teeth but my biggest issue is this dizzy feeling or feeling spaced out all the time.
 
Anne's advice is, as always, right-on. It has always helped me to take my mind off any pain and keep busy doing things I like.
Even the most simple things like watering the plants can keep us living in the present and not thinking of the past or future.
 
I had my impacted wisdom teeth out in college about 30 years ago. That is something I would get the advice from your dentist. Some people really do need to get their impacted wisdom teeth removed. I know I did. And its best to get professional advice on that.
 
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