Awareness of my rage etc. is not enough when the pressure builds too much. Or at least I have not mastered it yet. I have to physically act is out in combination with fantasy and acknowledging my truth feelings about things.
Recently we got our second son. We got Omicron during the birth and whole family sick for the first 10 days. We were not in any danger or so (like a flue), but the stress/worry from birth combined with everyone getting sick was extreme pressure to me. I hated it. I was angry at the universe for focusing so much pressure at the same time. Worried about everyone and everything. And exhausted.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and I have a month old baby (pressure, sleep deprived) and a 2.5 year old in the prime of defiance/liberation stage who just says NO to EVERYTHING and is loud etc. I know this is a normal stage of the development, and can be enhanced by getting a sibling (jealous). I try to be such a good partner and father, try to please everyone. And I get so pissed off, so irritated. My back and hip pain is increasing every day for a couple of weeks.
One day I say to my wife:" please go outside with both kids for 30 min because I need to get my rage out somehow or I´m gonna lose it completely". So off they go, and I scream so hard into a pillow I almost lose my voice. I then punch the pillow in the most ragefully way I can until my breathing can't keep up - like a "crazy person". I FUCKING HATE the pressure of being a parent of two small kids and the fact that my wife don't have any time or energy for me in any way - I wan´t to fucking just be alone if this is how it should be etc. etc. etc. Fuck everyone, leave me alone!!!
When I walk down to them I feel empowered, strong - like a lion. That rage turned into energy. My pain is gone. I enjoy the rest of the day with them.
Recently we got our second son. We got Omicron during the birth and whole family sick for the first 10 days. We were not in any danger or so (like a flue), but the stress/worry from birth combined with everyone getting sick was extreme pressure to me. I hated it. I was angry at the universe for focusing so much pressure at the same time. Worried about everyone and everything. And exhausted.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and I have a month old baby (pressure, sleep deprived) and a 2.5 year old in the prime of defiance/liberation stage who just says NO to EVERYTHING and is loud etc. I know this is a normal stage of the development, and can be enhanced by getting a sibling (jealous). I try to be such a good partner and father, try to please everyone. And I get so pissed off, so irritated. My back and hip pain is increasing every day for a couple of weeks.
One day I say to my wife:" please go outside with both kids for 30 min because I need to get my rage out somehow or I´m gonna lose it completely". So off they go, and I scream so hard into a pillow I almost lose my voice. I then punch the pillow in the most ragefully way I can until my breathing can't keep up - like a "crazy person". I FUCKING HATE the pressure of being a parent of two small kids and the fact that my wife don't have any time or energy for me in any way - I wan´t to fucking just be alone if this is how it should be etc. etc. etc. Fuck everyone, leave me alone!!!
When I walk down to them I feel empowered, strong - like a lion. That rage turned into energy. My pain is gone. I enjoy the rest of the day with them.
