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I usually need to get the rage out, awareness not enough

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Hedger, Jan 23, 2022.

  1. Hedger

    Hedger Well known member

    Awareness of my rage etc. is not enough when the pressure builds too much. Or at least I have not mastered it yet. I have to physically act is out in combination with fantasy and acknowledging my truth feelings about things.

    Recently we got our second son. We got Omicron during the birth and whole family sick for the first 10 days. We were not in any danger or so (like a flue), but the stress/worry from birth combined with everyone getting sick was extreme pressure to me. I hated it. I was angry at the universe for focusing so much pressure at the same time. Worried about everyone and everything. And exhausted.

    Fast forward a couple of weeks and I have a month old baby (pressure, sleep deprived) and a 2.5 year old in the prime of defiance/liberation stage who just says NO to EVERYTHING and is loud etc. I know this is a normal stage of the development, and can be enhanced by getting a sibling (jealous). I try to be such a good partner and father, try to please everyone. And I get so pissed off, so irritated. My back and hip pain is increasing every day for a couple of weeks.

    One day I say to my wife:" please go outside with both kids for 30 min because I need to get my rage out somehow or I´m gonna lose it completely". So off they go, and I scream so hard into a pillow I almost lose my voice. I then punch the pillow in the most ragefully way I can until my breathing can't keep up - like a "crazy person". I FUCKING HATE the pressure of being a parent of two small kids and the fact that my wife don't have any time or energy for me in any way - I wan´t to fucking just be alone if this is how it should be etc. etc. etc. Fuck everyone, leave me alone!!!

    When I walk down to them I feel empowered, strong - like a lion. That rage turned into energy. My pain is gone. I enjoy the rest of the day with them.
    AnonymousNick likes this.
  2. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Wow. Thanks for such a great teaching on anger for everyone who reads this. I love how you understand what's up, make room for it, and then ask for the space to do it. I would call this skillfully feeling, exploring, allowing. This is skillful means vs when we leak out toward the people around us in ways which are not really called for by their action. I am so happy to read your report, including the impacts on your symptoms. This teaches you so deeply, in my opinion. This is thinking psychologically in a very earthy, direct way. I am not sure most people have the awareness or courage to do what you did.
    Hedger likes this.
  3. Hedger

    Hedger Well known member

    This is soooo common everywhere. If I get a hint of doing this myself, overreacting to dishes or garbage or traffic our whatever, I know I have to introspect immediately. I also clearly mark towards my wife when she leaks towards me, and its good for everyone to set boundaries around this.

    Thank you for the encouragement! In the beginning it felt very odd and "crazy" to do these things. Now its natural.
    I guess in my childhood I got a lot of these emotions out through sports, like when I played Ice-hockey with tackles etc.
    High intensity training helps today as well.
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
  4. MedicineWithin

    MedicineWithin Peer Supporter

    Good for you! There are ways to let the rage express to serve you and you are discovering things like that for your self. Rage is like fire, it can be destructive but also the great transformer and a catalyst for creation. Think of a supernova, the sun, the explosion of life that happens in a forest after a fire....the creation of continents through geological activity. We do not have to be victimized by rage, we can use it for empowerment, vitality, creation, strength, self esteem and more. With a little tweak in awareness and acceptance, rage can be a blessing.

    Hedger likes this.

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