So I was listening over and over again to this video on C-PTSD
and reading Gabor Mate /When body says NO/.
Journaling has been liberating and at the same time painful in a way that Ive never experienced before, followed by those sensations:
after 2 weeks daily journaling of my past experiences with my N mother and enabler father and golden child brother; multiple narcissists that
were in the past abusing me and making me their servant and pleaser...
I had a few hours of really good feeling during those 2 weeks and other times I was experiencing pain like my psyche and body was one entity and
I felt bizarre unease/unusual pain/mal-etre/discomfort through whole this new entity! It was painful but I let body to ride this wave of unusual sensation...
My body feels extremely exhausted as if I used all my vitality and energy given to my body from the cradle to the grave. Leaving my place for a couple of hours - exhaust me like I m 100 years old. I m 47 and since last June when my mysterious saga of one injury after another started- I was not working and staying home majority of the time, going through immense grief related to those injuries....
It was mentioned on this forum that sometimes after journaling we feel pain - meaning that our minds do not wanna experience those emotions
and hence TMS feels threatened (my guess).
I will continuer with journaling and bringing to the surface all those painful realisations of my abuse since I was born. As of tomorrow I am starting 16 hours per week internship. Regarding my anal fissure - I found a couple of nice people (on FB - AF group) who have been through this condition and reassured me that it will get better and the skin tag caused by anal fissure will not bother me once fissure is completely healed.
When My mind tries to concentrate on my bum s pains through the day - I redirect my thoughts towards my childhood abuse - putting the whole narrative in a new light where I am seeing clearly those toxic and sadistic dynamics of my parents, my choices that were in sync with Nmother and not with my ultimate needs.