I discovered this 2 days ago waiting for books Need advice

M

Mind of matter

Newcomer
OMG I have TMS. This is my story I Have suffered from back pain since 1993. I broke my back in a serous construction accident in 2000. The disc showed broken l4 and shattered and after 6 months and not healing 4 doctors said I needed L3 L4 L5 Fusion . I got it.I have had one or 2 flair ups every year since and constant fear and chronic pain , i recently had the worst flair up since the surgery . I was bed ridden for days mid July. Missed 3 days work but in car sales the bosses are resentful for any missed work even with a dr note.Went to pain management in August and got an mri I have been on Pain Pills the last 4 years. recently went from Vicodin10 325 to percocet 10 325.He also did an mri Said I have an extrusion and we would do epidiral. The last 2 months I have been on Gabophentin Lyrica Methocarbonal napraxen and Percocet.These new drugs made me a zombie and over slept for work several times last month. The pain management made me take and promise to take as prescribed. My new symptoms were the arrow in t12 area. The worst symptom was that my feet have been numb or tingling but I couldnt sleep because they were burning at night. I have been on fear of losing my job because of my attendance. I missed 6 days this year 2 3 day back flair ups. This is a no no in car sales. Out of 7 sales people I was in 3rd place year to date but 2nd on the board 4 out of the last 5 months and sold 19 cars in august even with the issues I had. I only sold 8 in september but that was second place third only sold 5 and the other 3 only sold 3 cars. I think the fear of losing the Job cause my flair ups several times. I think my mind was grounding me to be being bed ridden. I also have a small start up business making guitar pedals. I sit at a table neck down soldering 35 hours a week after working 53 hours a week at the car lot. I was going to sleep at 3am and getting up at 8am I got burned out I am sure of it now.

I lost my job to cutbacks 2 weeks ago and saw my pain management dr thursday morning since I no longer have insurance or a job I wont be able to see him at 450 a visit and 187 for urine test every visit not to mention paying cash for the medicine at least 200 a month. He said that he had planned an epidural for next month but more than likely I was going to need surgery. I left the office depressed stressed the hell out horrified.I was afraid I wouldnt be able to function much less get a job.Not to mention I am addicted to opiates now after years and years of constant chronic pain.I saw my primary doctor Friday afternoon and she will no longer prescribe pain medication due to policy of the network that is why she sent me to pain management.. I was terrified last this weekend. Its my worst fears all coming to reality. So was looking for home remedies on you tube. I was searching for physical therapy exercises for my T12 herniated extruded disc.I found the 20/20 Sarnos segment at about 10pm sunday night..

I listened to some the testimonials and the 3 hour dr sarnos video on healing back pain. I was up until 2 am Sunday . I woke up yesterday at 8am and started watching more videos. I found the 12 steps.I reAD THE AFFIRMATIONS AND JUMPED OUT OF BED at 840 am took a long hot shower and started to function with no fear. I am painting my workshop /band room. I let it go with the amount of hours I was working. I moved my heavy amps equipment and started drywall mudding s couple bad areas. I worked till I was exhausted at 10pm last night wHEN i WOULD GET PAIN I kept screaming in my mind to stop playing tricks . I know I have emotional baggage.I just kept playing yu tibe videos of Sarnos and Peoples testimonials. The more I heard the harder I worked and less fear I had, Painting suckes in a jam packed room lots of bending stretching moving stuff. I made it through the day took a long hot bath and went to bed listening to the TMS Hypnosis video.

Today was the first day in over 4 years I did not have the arrow in my back. My legs are sore my arms my hands and my back is sore . Not painful. I have laid in bed the last 3 months the minute I got home from work.I stopped doing pedals 2 months ago because I was hurting in the S1 t12 and several ribs in the shoulder section were sticking out. I have been seeing a chiropractor 2 times a week as well the last few months . I was suffering.Neck upper back mid back and lower back feet numb and burning /tingling. I kept working like crazy both jobs I have too I have kids a wife. They all had medical bills to pay and I spent 4000 on dental work this summer.. working 12 hour days 7 days a week takes its toll even when healthy. In August I just worked the day job and I would go straight to bed hit the heating pad and ice pack. . . Now keep in mind. I have lived in fear the last 20 years nursing my back little activity especially the last 4 years . I am very out of shape.

I ook back to every flair up and can see an emotional connection. I had a great childhood. I was given the belt a lot maybe a bit abusive but I am 50 years old it was like that back then.I do remember flair ups not long after heartbreaks . Not long after job issues. This last job was horrible. Always in fear of losing my job and insurance. The store ripped employees off imo,I was way underpaifd and it ate at me. I got sick several times the 4 years I worked there. I am a perfectionist and selling cars is hard for me . Its 80 percent rejection . Even the best salesman only sell 1 out of 5 people.its hard to balance the budget sometimes.

So Here are my questions. I am waiting for the books. most of the testimonials talk about how it works. How does it work?

Day 2 I already have major improvements . (No Arrow in my back even after the hardest physical work in 17 years) I didnt do to much today because my entore body was sorer. Is this bad? I watched more video took the kids trivk or treating . I did work 5 hours though.

I have mahor issues with self esteem worrying expecting more out of life. How should I cope?

I have lots of pent up anger and rage. My wife has put all the financial burden on me and doesnt do much around the house. She just got a job so thats cool but she has done some very bad things . She took out a title max loan and didnt tell me. I found out when they repoed the van I bought her. It was worth 7000 and was paid for. I Paidm 4500 to get it back. I have had a hard time forgiving and she lies about money all the time. How can I release these pent up emotions??

I I worry especially now that I lost my job. Ways to reduce worry?

I still have severe numb tingling in my feet . They didnt burn last night though HA HA .I believe already but 25 years of Diagnosis surgery epidurals recent diagnosis . How do I reduce fear?

I already watched a couple people that had relapses/ Thats scares me ha ha. 2 days in and I am fearing a relapse Man see. How do I get around these issues?

It says to write. one of my symptoms is corparal tunnel Thats hasnt got better yet either so when I write is typing ok? SHould I overcome and no let the TMS win?

i think I was so stressed i HAD Bronchitus,Pnuemonia, constant lower back pain then mid and upper all last year. How can I retrain my thoughts to not worry ? I have responsibilities

I know this is a mega post I am trying to tell my story and do some home work.I am so tired tonight I worked so hard the last 2 days .

I know I am out of shape Is general exercise ok? I have never really been the type to work out .

Ok say I keep improving. I am physically and mentally addicted to Pain pills opiates and muscle relaxers. I fear with draws and pain from them. I run out in 25 days . I still took my meds yesterday and today. Is this cheating? ANY TIPS ON WITHDRAWS? .i AM TERRIFIED of withdraws but also tired of the addiction being chained looking at the clock waiting for my next dose. Even now I am wanting to take another pill today its a horrible way to live! That alone is stress inducing.I got off them several times but never have I been on them for 4 years and had the issues diagnosed that I recently have with no insurance. I have TMS I know it!

I dont fear being functional anymore . I do fear a lot of other things which wont help . Should I try to have a good cry? I usually only cry when there is a death or major issue in life. I cried in front of my last girlfriend when my cousin died several times and she left me while i was grieving. . I think that makes it hard for me to open up causing more repression now
I HAVE A DOZEN MORE QUESTIONS
I bought three books yesterday they are a week to 21 days for delivery so I need to figure this out ASAP .
 
Oh boy you have been through a lot. You are a strong, resilient man that is for sure. I am glad you are here, I think it is the right place for you. You had back pain long before you broke your back, trauma from a serious accident, highly pressurised employment, constant bad news from the Drs, self esteem issues and repressed rage. There is usually a correlation between these major life stressors and tms symptoms.

Have a look at Alan Gordons Recovery Programme http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/ (Pain Recovery Program)

You sound hopeful and open to the mind body connection and have had some success as you accept the nature of your pain. Wonderful! Keep going and keep learning but not in a frantic, stressed way. This is your journey. Start to become more self aware and take it at your own pace. Fear is an emotion associated with tms symptoms so find ways to neutralise these triggers.
 
Mind of matter said:
Should I try to have a good cry? I usually only cry when there is a death or major issue in life. I cried in front of my last girlfriend when my cousin died several times and she left me while i was grieving. . I think that makes it hard for me to open up causing more repression now
Click to expand...

So many questions for which answers will come in time. First things first. TMS healing is all and only about feeling our emotions. Not hiding from them, reducing them or denying them. You can't play the same old game with yourself and expect to recover just by giving the game a new name. What you do have to do is begin to feel what you feel. This is vaguely terrifying, this I know, but the only way out is through.

@birdsetfree suggests you explore Alan Gordon's new program and I second this because there you will learn that pain (or what-have-you) is created by our perception of danger. Your entire post expresses how emotionally perilous the world is for you and this is why you need to gently and compassionately cherish yourself back into a place of safety and well-being.

I highlighted the above portion of your post because it is germane for me at the moment. I have had a flare-up for a few days. Yesterday evening the emotional dam burst and I wept. I didn't try to cry or reach into the sadness, it simply came over me as I was clearing up the dishes after our evening meal. I let myself cry. I let myself feel. I let it all go.

This morning I woke early to orange sunshine. My pain is gone, as are the torrent of feelings that rode roughshod on it.

As you learn more about TMS and how it manifests in you, you will have moments like mine. They are the cure. The natural acceptance and experience of our emotions moment-by-moment stops TMS in it's tracks.

You'll read that Sarno believed rage to be the root cause. I am not so sure. For me it is sorrow and sadness. Rage is there but behind it are more watery emotions. The rage feels like a defence mechanism to stop me feeling the twist of excruciating sadness. TMS is existential and therefore possesses a unique element that we must seek and explore for and in ourselves.

Welcome to our world and to your healing.

Plum
 
Mind of matter said:
OMG I have TMS. This is my story I Have suffered from back pain since 1993. I broke my back in a serous construction accident in 2000. The disc showed broken l4 and shattered and after 6 months and not healing 4 doctors said I needed L3 L4 L5 Fusion . I got it.I have had one or 2 flair ups every year since and constant fear and chronic pain , i recently had the worst flair up since the surgery . I was bed ridden for days mid July. Missed 3 days work but in car sales the bosses are resentful for any missed work even with a dr note.Went to pain management in August and got an mri I have been on Pain Pills the last 4 years. recently went from Vicodin10 325 to percocet 10 325.He also did an mri Said I have an extrusion and we would do epidiral. The last 2 months I have been on Gabophentin Lyrica Methocarbonal napraxen and Percocet.These new drugs made me a zombie and over slept for work several times last month. The pain management made me take and promise to take as prescribed. My new symptoms were the arrow in t12 area. The worst symptom was that my feet have been numb or tingling but I couldnt sleep because they were burning at night. I have been on fear of losing my job because of my attendance. I missed 6 days this year 2 3 day back flair ups. This is a no no in car sales. Out of 7 sales people I was in 3rd place year to date but 2nd on the board 4 out of the last 5 months and sold 19 cars in august even with the issues I had. I only sold 8 in september but that was second place third only sold 5 and the other 3 only sold 3 cars. I think the fear of losing the Job cause my flair ups several times. I think my mind was grounding me to be being bed ridden. I also have a small start up business making guitar pedals. I sit at a table neck down soldering 35 hours a week after working 53 hours a week at the car lot. I was going to sleep at 3am and getting up at 8am I got burned out I am sure of it now.

I lost my job to cutbacks 2 weeks ago and saw my pain management dr thursday morning since I no longer have insurance or a job I wont be able to see him at 450 a visit and 187 for urine test every visit not to mention paying cash for the medicine at least 200 a month. He said that he had planned an epidural for next month but more than likely I was going to need surgery. I left the office depressed stressed the hell out horrified.I was afraid I wouldnt be able to function much less get a job.Not to mention I am addicted to opiates now after years and years of constant chronic pain.I saw my primary doctor Friday afternoon and she will no longer prescribe pain medication due to policy of the network that is why she sent me to pain management.. I was terrified last this weekend. Its my worst fears all coming to reality. So was looking for home remedies on you tube. I was searching for physical therapy exercises for my T12 herniated extruded disc.I found the 20/20 Sarnos segment at about 10pm sunday night..

I listened to some the testimonials and the 3 hour dr sarnos video on healing back pain. I was up until 2 am Sunday . I woke up yesterday at 8am and started watching more videos. I found the 12 steps.I reAD THE AFFIRMATIONS AND JUMPED OUT OF BED at 840 am took a long hot shower and started to function with no fear. I am painting my workshop /band room. I let it go with the amount of hours I was working. I moved my heavy amps equipment and started drywall mudding s couple bad areas. I worked till I was exhausted at 10pm last night wHEN i WOULD GET PAIN I kept screaming in my mind to stop playing tricks . I know I have emotional baggage.I just kept playing yu tibe videos of Sarnos and Peoples testimonials. The more I heard the harder I worked and less fear I had, Painting suckes in a jam packed room lots of bending stretching moving stuff. I made it through the day took a long hot bath and went to bed listening to the TMS Hypnosis video.

Today was the first day in over 4 years I did not have the arrow in my back. My legs are sore my arms my hands and my back is sore . Not painful. I have laid in bed the last 3 months the minute I got home from work.I stopped doing pedals 2 months ago because I was hurting in the S1 t12 and several ribs in the shoulder section were sticking out. I have been seeing a chiropractor 2 times a week as well the last few months . I was suffering.Neck upper back mid back and lower back feet numb and burning /tingling. I kept working like crazy both jobs I have too I have kids a wife. They all had medical bills to pay and I spent 4000 on dental work this summer.. working 12 hour days 7 days a week takes its toll even when healthy. In August I just worked the day job and I would go straight to bed hit the heating pad and ice pack. . . Now keep in mind. I have lived in fear the last 20 years nursing my back little activity especially the last 4 years . I am very out of shape.

I ook back to every flair up and can see an emotional connection. I had a great childhood. I was given the belt a lot maybe a bit abusive but I am 50 years old it was like that back then.I do remember flair ups not long after heartbreaks . Not long after job issues. This last job was horrible. Always in fear of losing my job and insurance. The store ripped employees off imo,I was way underpaifd and it ate at me. I got sick several times the 4 years I worked there. I am a perfectionist and selling cars is hard for me . Its 80 percent rejection . Even the best salesman only sell 1 out of 5 people.its hard to balance the budget sometimes.

So Here are my questions. I am waiting for the books. most of the testimonials talk about how it works. How does it work?

Day 2 I already have major improvements . (No Arrow in my back even after the hardest physical work in 17 years) I didnt do to much today because my entore body was sorer. Is this bad? I watched more video took the kids trivk or treating . I did work 5 hours though.

I have mahor issues with self esteem worrying expecting more out of life. How should I cope?

I have lots of pent up anger and rage. My wife has put all the financial burden on me and doesnt do much around the house. She just got a job so thats cool but she has done some very bad things . She took out a title max loan and didnt tell me. I found out when they repoed the van I bought her. It was worth 7000 and was paid for. I Paidm 4500 to get it back. I have had a hard time forgiving and she lies about money all the time. How can I release these pent up emotions??

I I worry especially now that I lost my job. Ways to reduce worry?

I still have severe numb tingling in my feet . They didnt burn last night though HA HA .I believe already but 25 years of Diagnosis surgery epidurals recent diagnosis . How do I reduce fear?

I already watched a couple people that had relapses/ Thats scares me ha ha. 2 days in and I am fearing a relapse Man see. How do I get around these issues?

It says to write. one of my symptoms is corparal tunnel Thats hasnt got better yet either so when I write is typing ok? SHould I overcome and no let the TMS win?

i think I was so stressed i HAD Bronchitus,Pnuemonia, constant lower back pain then mid and upper all last year. How can I retrain my thoughts to not worry ? I have responsibilities

I know this is a mega post I am trying to tell my story and do some home work.I am so tired tonight I worked so hard the last 2 days .

I know I am out of shape Is general exercise ok? I have never really been the type to work out .

Ok say I keep improving. I am physically and mentally addicted to Pain pills opiates and muscle relaxers. I fear with draws and pain from them. I run out in 25 days . I still took my meds yesterday and today. Is this cheating? ANY TIPS ON WITHDRAWS? .i AM TERRIFIED of withdraws but also tired of the addiction being chained looking at the clock waiting for my next dose. Even now I am wanting to take another pill today its a horrible way to live! That alone is stress inducing.I got off them several times but never have I been on them for 4 years and had the issues diagnosed that I recently have with no insurance. I have TMS I know it!

I dont fear being functional anymore . I do fear a lot of other things which wont help . Should I try to have a good cry? I usually only cry when there is a death or major issue in life. I cried in front of my last girlfriend when my cousin died several times and she left me while i was grieving. . I think that makes it hard for me to open up causing more repression now
I HAVE A DOZEN MORE QUESTIONS
I bought three books yesterday they are a week to 21 days for delivery so I need to figure this out ASAP .
Click to expand...
you said your body is sore from working...but for the 1st time in years the arrow is gone. Sounds like you made some progress. I am not a TMS expert, but the soreness might be from all the physical labor you did and should go away in a day of so. Then you will see what's left. Good for you if TMS is your true diagnosis.
 
[
As you learn more about TMS and how it manifests in you, you will have moments like mine. They are the cure. The natural acceptance and experience of our emotions moment-by-moment stops TMS in it's tracks.

You'll read that Sarno believed rage to be the root cause. I am not so sure. For me it is sorrow and sadness. Rage is there but behind it are more watery emotions. The rage feels like a defence mechanism to stop me feeling the twist of excruciating sadness. TMS is existential and therefore possesses a unique element that we must seek and explore for and in ourselves.
PLUM

You sound hopeful and open to the mind body connection and have had some success as you accept the nature of your pain. Wonderful! Keep going and keep learning but not in a frantic, stressed way. This is your journey. Start to become more self aware and take it at your own pace. Fear is an emotion associated with tms symptoms so find ways to neutralise these triggers.
,
Birdsetfree

I agree with Plum, Birdsetfree. This is a journey. Your wonderful entry into TMS is a GREAT start. Take time to explore, get in touch with the part of you that has been pushing away your emotions and feelings. You are aware of these emotions within yourself. This is a good thing. I found journaling helped (although I did not keep these journal entries but tore them up and threw them out). Some do not journal.

Going off of pain meds is not a walk in the park, but it sounds like you are up for this. Be patient with yourself, knowing you have made such a positive start to your healing by discovering TMS and the part it has played in your life these many years.

Your post leads me to believe you are a man of many talents. You have skills in many avenues. If you feel rage, so be it, if you feel sad, this too is okay. Explore these emotions and how you may have suppressed them, and how suppressing these insights has created more havoc within your physical being.

Best wishes to you upon your entry to this journey. You are on the right path.

Lainey
 
Thank You all. I worked again today from 7am till 7pm. I moved more equipment put half my jam room back together Moved the other half. Once again I am sore but not in pain. I was on my hands and knees painting trim first thing.It feels good throwing caution to the wind. I have a 3 year old I was tossing her up in the air today. Any time I had a twinge I stopped took a 5 minute break and reread the affirmations and went back to work. I plan on tapering back on the [ain pills next week when this mega project is done. I let the house go lately with all the working i was foing. I am a little torn right now. Once again i am working really hard but I need to get the house in order to relieve stress for me. Letting things go for the last 6 months added stress.I have no spinal pain today. The upper middle and lower are fine . My feet are still numb and tingling. One day at a TIME. I need to have that cry I had some strange dreams last night . Very strange.I appreciate everyone responding.

SO I feel anxious about the house being rundown and dirty. Its ok I am ignoring the symptoms and cleaning it right? Its been a really sore spot for me. My wife isnt bothered at all by a messy house. The messy house was to much to address with 80 hours a week working, It feels good to get the trouble areas looking good and organized.It will also make my small business more efficient getting organized . This should make it less stressful and more productive. I also filed an order today. I made record time on a couple of builds .

So i hope I am not fueling my TMS by focusing on this project. I still need to have that cry. I have been remembering the serious flair ups the last 27 years and always there have been emotional issues. I need balance between work and play. Now that my wife is working and I am just looking for a job and getting my house in order I think when I get working again Ill be able to . Losing my job is looking like a blessing. The stress was to much . Mostly I was selling but they were shorting commissions. I felt slighted. I was a do gooder always volunteering to help with stuff I didnt get paid for as well.Deep down I was very mad at that job. I was mad at my wife for being lazy not working or contributing around the house. I cook and clean a lot and felt she should have been doing a ton more while job hunting. Like I am now.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I have had testimionials playing all day . I really need to figure out how to let he deep stuff out. I cry very rarely. My life has not gone how I wanted at all. I have always worked hard for little reward. I Love making guitar pedals. Someday that will be my fulltime career. If I had just a few thousand in the bank It would be now. I still have resentments with my wife. I cant forgive someone that keeps slighting me. I do then get mad at myself for being gullable. She is faithful and loves me. I love her but she has pain issues as well. She thinks this is Hokum. She has scoliosis and schurmans disease. She is always in pain as well. I am going to prove to her this works!

I cant wait for the books to come. I keep listening to Sarnos 3 hour you tube video. I think its the healing back pain audio book . If not even better I have 3 books coming. I found Steve Osinich stiff today. Listened to interview with him. He is cool too.

I am already correcting my thinking constantly. If I have a fear of bending I bend .If I start to worry I say screw it it will be ok. I worried about everything. I am unemployed my worst fears have became reality. So what Ill be fine and I have a couple months to work on myself my house my Body and my small business.

I had so much rage and anger in me ever since the first surgery. The pain pills dont help always moody. I need to start the weening process asap. I just want to get this project and a few orders out. By next weekend Ill be caught up money wise confident in my recovery and ready to detox.Its gonna be ok.
 
There are lots of good books that can be helpful on your journey. I have listened to Dr. Sarno's 3 hour video a couple of times in the past as well, and I too found it helpful. I recommend his other books and Steve Ovanich's book The Great Pain Deception. I think you may resonate with this book as well. There is another program on this site called the Structured Education Program (SEP) that is very good. You can find it under the Forums section - Subforums on Special Topics. Check it out.

Good luck on your pain meds reduction.

Lainey
 
That is a lot to go through! Glad you are having confidence it is TMS! I have used the Sedona Method with incredible results! There were many times when listening to the audios my entire body felt completely relaxed and I completely forgot I had pain. It also showed me how much tension I was holding that I didn't realize I was holding. Pricey, but worth it.

I also just got Maggie Phillips's program. Trying to get to that pain free zone without needing guided audios.

And Sarnos books are classics + always something I had on in the car going to and from work. - This really helped me start the day with a reminder not to be in fear.

-Cindy
 
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