How do you grow self-compassion?

B

blackdog

Peer Supporter
Hello Everyone,

There seem to be two means for making a way through life: 1) By using fear and pain as a means of propulsion. Escaping from one moment into the next to get away from the one you are in (because it hurts too much emotionally and/or physically). This becomes overly exhausting, and the pain gets worse. 2) By loving oneself, having self-compassion, feeling that one is worthwhile and worth navigating the pains of life for (because so much is gained by doing so - to me, truth feels good when I can see it even if it is tinged with sadness, etc.).

So, how does one build self-compassion to this extent? How do you build it to the point that you are grateful for your emotions? To the point that you have enough personal reserve that you don't fear your pain?

It's not that I feel none. In my vulnerable state of protracted SSRI withdrawal, I have been opened to emotion and this allows me to see I have more than I had thought (both emotion and self-compassion). But, I believe I need to expand it for me to overcome TMS as well as to have a satisfying life. Best,

blackdog
 
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Incidentally, this is what I posted on my blog less than a week ago:

When I first learned about mind-body healing, it immediately made sense to me. But I did not know how and where to start.

After about a month of trying my pain was still raging through my body, and I got very upset. Upset with myself, because I read in the Dr. Sarno’s book about all these people who listened to his lecture and were pain-free within days. I, on the contrary, didn’t seem to get anywhere. Something must be wrong with me, I thought, maybe, I need to try harder and work more on my healing!

Well, back then I did not realize that my habit of being tough on myself was one of the reasons why I got sick in the first place. As Dr. Sarno noticed, a lot of his chronic pain patients were what he called TMS personality: perfectionists, do-gooders, type A personalities often tough on themselves. As a result, they often end up with anxiety, depression, migraines, and wide variety of chronic pain.

What is a solution? Stop pushing yourself towards achieving your goals? Sit on the couch and do nothing? Not at all. The issue is not about what you do in your life, it is about how you go about doing it. Kristin Neff, PhD, the pioneer of the study of self-compassion, defines it in this way:
  1. Being kind to yourself vs being judgmental. Take example of me being mad at myself for not healing fast enough. Was it helpful that I was upset? No, because by being angry I was increasing my anxiety, and instead of creatively looking for better ways to achieve my goal, I kept doing the same thing while hoping for better results. Would you be mad at your friend or your child when they are failing? No, you would rather encourage them and try to ease their anxiety. Why not do it for yourself?
  2. Being mindful vs self-identifying with your lack of success. The more you dwell on your perceived failure, the more you get immersed in the loop of negativity. Result? Even less success and more negativity. Stepping back and rationally, mindfully assessing situation helps in finding a better path to success.
  3. Common humanity vs self-isolation. What would you tell your friend who struggles to pass a difficult exam? You would point out that others struggle too, that we all are human and can make mistakes while taking a hard test. Why not do it for yourself? It is not about finding an excuse to fail, it is about supporting yourself emotionally through the difficult times, just how you would do it for your friend.
Going back to my own story, it took me a while to learn self-compassion, and eventually I healed from CRPS and moved on with my life.

I still occasionally fall into the trap of self-judgment, but not as hard or as frequent as before. And life became easier!

So, I recommend everybody who needs to improve on self-compassion to read a book from Kristin Neff. It helped me, and it is likely to help you, too.
 
Thank you TG957! I will read through this several more times, as there is a lot here. I have always pushed myself hard as well. I remember a couple of decades ago when I last road a bike. I thought I'd give it a try, as I hadn't for awhile due to pain while riding (way before I hade ever heard of TMS). So, I went out and road 30 miles!! I hadn't ever gone that far before. And, it was one of the very last times I rode (except for a few times around the block maybe) because the amount of pain I had after was a lot. I could come up with many more examples like this, I'm sure. I know that for some people with TMS such a ride might be OK (and even healing), but for me it is a strong example of me putting pressure on myself.

I think that reading "Take the example of me being mad at myself for not healing fast enough. Was it helpful that I was upset? No, because by being angry I was increasing my anxiety..." might be the first time that being angry causing TMS has really made sense to me (despite reading a Sarno book in the past). I am generally more focused on my sadness and fear leading to pain. But, I relate to it quite well. I was just out for a walk and felt a weird, slightly sharp sensation on the left side of my back. It bothered me because: 1) It seemed like a large area, 2) Though quite subtle, it was sharp and 3) It felt unusual and was not expected (I have recently had other pain in my back that has largely resolved through TMS self-work). I realize that it is the kind of thing I can blow up into a 'big problem.' Still, hard not to feel anxious about it. In addition to just being scared of pain, I think, possibly, that I am irritated at myself for not moving 'right' or somehow causing this to happen, even though I know it is almost cetainly TMS (I do still always react with a fear that things are structural - even though I've seen otherwise many times - so still a lot of work to do :) ). So, I think this lies along the lines of what you described.

As much as this work seems daunting and scary, I realize I am not just doing physical pain work. I have a lot of work to do on trauma type anxiety, and I believe it is the same thing as my physical pain just manifested differently. I feel a significant amount of hopefulness from this, so that must stem from self-compassion? Hopefully by working toward dealing with anxiety and pain, I can learn to live in my own skin much better. And, in doing so, learn to value myself more and learn to live a life that I value. Thank you All,

blackdog
PS Is there any one Neff book you most highly recommend TG957? I've got such a reading list now, I know it'll be hard to keep up :).
 
blackdog said:
Thank you TG957! I will read through this several more times, as there is a lot here. I have always pushed myself hard as well. I remember a couple of decades ago when I last road a bike. I thought I'd give it a try, as I hadn't for awhile due to pain while riding (way before I hade ever heard of TMS). So, I went out and road 30 miles!! I hadn't ever gone that far before. And, it was one of the very last times I rode (except for a few times around the block maybe) because the amount of pain I had after was a lot. I could come up with many more examples like this, I'm sure. I know that for some people with TMS such a ride might be OK (and even healing), but for me it is a strong example of me putting pressure on myself.

I think that reading "Take the example of me being mad at myself for not healing fast enough. Was it helpful that I was upset? No, because by being angry I was increasing my anxiety..." might be the first time that being angry causing TMS has really made sense to me (despite reading a Sarno book in the past). I am generally more focused on my sadness and fear leading to pain. But, I relate to it quite well. I was just out for a walk and felt a weird, slightly sharp sensation on the left side of my back. It bothered me because: 1) It seemed like a large area, 2) Though quite subtle, it was sharp and 3) It felt unusual and was not expected (I have recently had other pain in my back that has largely resolved through TMS self-work). I realize that it is the kind of thing I can blow up into a 'big problem.' Still, hard not to feel anxious about it. In addition to just being scared of pain, I think, possibly, that I am irritated at myself for not moving 'right' or somehow causing this to happen, even though I know it is almost cetainly TMS (I do still always react with a fear that things are structural - even though I've seen otherwise many times - so still a lot of work to do :) ). So, I think this lies along the lines of what you described.

As much as this work seems daunting and scary, I realize I am not just doing physical pain work. I have a lot of work to do on trauma type anxiety, and I believe it is the same thing as my physical pain just manifested differently. I feel a significant amount of hopefulness from this, so that must stem from self-compassion? Hopefully by working toward dealing with anxiety and pain, I can learn to live in my own skin much better. And, in doing so, learn to value myself more and learn to live a life that I value. Thank you All,

blackdog
PS Is there any one Neff book you most highly recommend TG957? I've got such a reading list now, I know it'll be hard to keep up :).
Click to expand...

I read her only book that was published back then, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
You may want to try her other books, too. She also has some TED talks, which may be a very quick and effective introduction. As for your struggles with anxiety and pain, my advice would be to not worry about pain for a while, but rather focus on anxiety first, and then pain will fade away. On anxiety, the main authority is Dr. Claire Weekes, and her audios were a godsend to me.

Good luck! Don't give up!
 
I've been listening to this Claire Weekes audio recording several times a day recently:
. Her degree of hopefulness and encouragment is awe-inspiring and soaking in the amount of wisdom takes repeated listenings. I don't see myself stopping anytime soon, as I get another nuance or deeper understanding of some part of it each time. Even if that should eventually cease, I really benefit from her encouraging voice. In any case, she's been a true lifeline. Just an awesome lady.

I'll start with the TEDtalks by Neff. Her face looks familiar to me. I think I may have had a meditation tape from her in the past, not sure.

It seems it would be hard to not address the pain at first as well, because it is part of my anxiety spiral. What I'll do, though, is not go out to run or bike or anything big until my anxiety is well maintained. That would likely be a mistake at this time. Also, the pain fading away by addressing anxiety makes sense, and would be one possible great reward for doing so!

Thank you for all your advice TG957 :)),

blackdog
 
You are very welcome! I also find meditation being a great anti-anxiety medicine, but it is not easy to master and it may take you a while, but it is definitely worth it!
 
blackdog said:
how does one build self-compassion to this extent?
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Forgive everybody in your life that you have a resentment against.
I have always thought all of that 'forgive yourself' stuff is sort of new age BS. However, as I went through the steps and made amends and really began to forgive people, because I know that's all they could do with their own set of circumstances, a residual benefit was I actually began to look back at my own life and have some of that same compassion.

Like in the Lords prayer "Forgive us our trespasses AS WE forgive those who trespass against us.

It's so simple to say, so hard to do
 
Baseball65 said:
Forgive everybody in your life that you have a resentment against.
I have always thought all of that 'forgive yourself' stuff is sort of new age BS. However, as I went through the steps and made amends and really began to forgive people, because I know that's all they could do with their own set of circumstances, a residual benefit was I actually began to look back at my own life and have some of that same compassion.

Like in the Lords prayer "Forgive us our trespasses AS WE forgive those who trespass against us.

It's so simple to say, so hard to do
Click to expand...

How very true it is!

This is what I also understood as I went through forgiving some of the people in my past life, which helped me a lot: forgiveness does not mean that we give permission to those who hurt us to act badly, forgiveness means that we rise above that hurt and permit ourselves to heal and move on.
 
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