Here for support

[cookieheals]

Here for some support.
I feel like I’ve been making good progress recently and have hit 2 setbacks. I need someone here to tell me I’ll be okay.
So my fear was at an all time high, and conditioned responses happening after running, quite frightening, but I kept going on. They would resolve after a day or so, and I would notice that the severity was not consistent, especially when I would ask myself, kindly ‘what’s going on sweetie?’ As running. That’s progress right? Then I decided to start seeing the pain psychology center people because I just could.not.believe that I had TMS. It’s just so hard for me to believe this whole conditioned response as TMS. The Back pain I had in 2017? Easy. The ‘when I do this then this happens which is also correlated with those MRIs’ hard, but I kept running. And I think I start improving because my fear is haywire.
Well, the first setback. Out of nowhere my tooth starts hurting. Really badly. Spreads down my jaw. I pray for it and realize somewhere down the prayer that it wasn’t healing I needed. Turned out my gum was overgrowing on top of my tooth and I needed an operculectomy. So I go in and have the extra gum cut off in a minor surgery. But TMS me is thinking ‘why now, of all times is extra gum growing over my teeth??’

next thing. Just when the tooth is resolving, I’m running last Monday. As I run I roll my left ankle inwards. When that happened my first thought when I got home was ‘Yay, now I don’t have to push myself to ‘have’ to run 3 times a week to combat this TMS thing’ I found that odd. I mean I did like the endorphins from running- those days are less miserable. But I didn’t realize inner me was relieved.

Anyway, last night I realize okay, it’s been a week since I was running. My foot feels better. The inside of my ankle less tender. We could do walking or better yet, the elliptical in the morning.

so I look at a couple websites and decide, okay, great, I’ll do the elliptical. I’ve missed working out. I feel M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E sitting all day, jobless, trying to ignore my difficult mother and unwell sister, trying to stay above ground, digging up emotions that have no safety net to carry them. I digress.

so I’m walking downstairs,( just when my left foot is improving) and then I start thinking about pain. Like pain in general. This TMS thing, if my knees are safe, just pain in general. I’m going down the stairs thinking about this then I think ‘I think I need to journal about this pain experience for me. Maybe it’ll make me feel bett-’ when Wham!

my right foot suddenly gives out under me (honestly just Gives out) and the side of my foot slams into the concrete staircase. It’s throbbing. So painful. I curse. I finally get to the bottom of the staircase and start praying, my heart racing.

so now, for the third week in a row, I am experiencing some kind of actual physical injury. What the HELL is going on?? Has this happened to anybody??

My thoughts are crazy of course. I am yet to overcome this ‘are my knee joints weak why do I hurt after exercise’ ‘no it’s TMS I’m fine’ ‘but they KEEP hurting’ ‘you’re okay’ blah blah blah, and now my head is spinning with worrying- is this going to be a new problem? What if my mind latches onto my right ankle (which has NEVER given me issues) or my left inner ankle (which also has NEVER given me issues)? I haven’t yet beat my knees, what if this becomes another problem?? And how will I know I can start running again? This couch life is Not suiting me and I’m anxious to move.

Words of wisdom anyone? And has this ever occurred? Or was I just unlucky? Why is my body literally failing on me? And I know you obviously don’t live in my body but can someone say anything about this fear that it will be a ‘new’ thing?

 

[Aimee88]

Hi Cookie. This stands out for me in your post....

I feel M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E sitting all day, jobless, trying to ignore my difficult mother and unwell sister, trying to stay above ground, digging up emotions that have no safety net to carry them. I digress.

This isn't digressing in my opinion, this is the heart of it all! When the body says no... (Gabor Mate)...your body is carrying the messages but the answers, the roots, are in your emotions, your coping style, and all that is happening around you that I would expect you to have feelings about.

So, TMS is that in order to keep us from exploring these scary emotions, our body keeps finding ways to distract us with pain and injury and illness. (I have quite a list myself.) And then we find people and doctors to talk about our pain and injury and illness, and offer treatments and medications, which is so easy to do, and we become enmeshed in the physical focus.

When we pause, when we interrupt the physical focus, and allow ourselves to feel, we can process some of this, we can calm our nervous system and our thoughts. When we do the TMS work, the symptoms and pain that have no physical cause will subside. In my experience, all sorts of things will heal. Dr. Sarno focused on back pain, as that was his area of expertise and study, but healing from other things happen with this work as well. I had some healings before I knew about TMS, but as nothing was clearly resolved, other things came (and went), and this symptom imperative random cycle continued.

The work of Dr. Claire Weekes is also very clear for self work with fear and anxiety. Are you reading the TMS books (there are so many, Dr. Sarno and others)? Are you working in one of the programs offered here? I'm glad you are here reading and asking questions. There is a wealth of inspiration, encouragement and knowledge in the forums here.

Aimee

 

[cookieheals]

Hi Aimee,

Thanks so much for your post. I did the structured education program on and off over maybe 2.5 months, then I just finished Dr. Schechter’s workbook.

I read Healing Back Pain a few times, and now started on the Mindbody prescription which I’ve been reading on and off.

I haven’t been very consistent with TMS work- after I hurt myself a few weeks back that just soured me completely. I’d rather watch TV for hours on end and forget about my life. I also get plagued by constant doubts about it being TMS- now that my foot injury is actually structural, it’s taken from believing my whole body is walking TMS- but still continuing with persistent doubts about it, even though I notice changes in intensity etc. the conditioned response is hard for me to accept as TMS.

Anyway, now I know I need to plug back into some kind of structure and overwhelmed by all the people out there doing something about it. I did a few sessions at the pain psychology Centre- that was somewhat helpful and when I thought we were making real progress I got actually physically injured, so that stopped my progress. It’s too expensive for me to do consistently and Dr. Schechter mentioned something called Remedy- some 10 week program that’s about $70 a week. It costs a pretty penny but it would be nice to feel not alone in this treacherous journey.

Then there’s the repeating schecheter’s workbook, or getting Schubiner’s ‘unlearn your pain’-either the online one for $100, or the book. Then there’s Monte’s running pain free or whatever it’s called for $100.

I wish someone could just tell me what to do next. This whole ‘you don’t need any more paid help’ doesn’t work because I’m drowning alone, and neither do the 50 options.

And maybe a part of me doesn’t want to do the TMS work because of the emotional exploration. I journal daily so I’m fully aware of what’s going on with me- but so many issues are ‘I feel trapped issues.’ I feel trapped living with my family, hate living with them to the core of my being. My mother is so so so so damn loud. And my sister is mentally unwell and exhibits strange behaviour as a result. Last night I slept at 7 am, as a result. I don’t have the money to move (yet) and waiting for a job I got to start. It’s part time so I don’t know how much I can make monthly. (I’m digressing again) then, the only other living situation is my grandparents home (they passed away) but my aunt uncle and cousins live there and my aunt has serious rage problems and the help that takes care of the house is very very mean.
This trapped feeling sucks.

It’s what I had when my TMS started manifesting physically last January. I was being bullied in a program I was in and couldn’t do anything about it. Then the whole year after that I lived with Crazy people- crazy in their own ways. People suck. Living with people Sucks!

I’ve read my journals and it’s clear that I hate with a capital H living with my family. Hate with a capital H. But there’s nothing I can do about it. So what’s the point of continuing to repeat it everyday over and over when emotionally expressing myself? I hate it. Now what?

i do radical acceptance exercises for the hatred, I do visualizations. I do it all. On top of the hate is the fear that I will be my sister’s caretaker- I am hardly anybody to be anybody’s caretaker. In my 20s. with no career (yet) and pursuing a career in the arts, and planning to leave my country (again) though I’m just here for the next 1 year, I am nobody to latch onto someone in their 30s who needs a constant caretaker and does not seem to be doing what she can do in her power to move her life forward. My life is barely afloat. If I have to take care of someone else I’d probably harm myself or them.

Somehow this issue of fear of caretaking has been resolved by extensive prayer. I prayed and prayed and PRAYed intensely about it and now feel calmer about it. Like yes, it’s a shit storm but everything is going to be okay. I don’t know if my subconscious agrees but consciously I’m more at peace with it. Injuring myself and finding my sister being my caretaker helped me think -maybe life won’t be the way I think it’ll be. Because there I was so worried I would have to take care of my sister, next thing I know I fell down the stairs and in the E.R and she’s taking care of me.

anyway, I’m rambling. I don’t know where to go next from here (physically constantly living with the feeling of being trapped- I hate this feeling) and also in this TMS work- and ever since I left the structured education program I don’t feel as much support from the TMS community in this subforum- like people were more active with helping me figure things out there than here- but for some reason I don’t want to repeat it. Writing about all the stuff that depresses me, depresses me. So it’s confusing when tied with the people who say you don’t need to do that- breaking the fear cycle gets rid of the pain. I wish I could do that alone, but the things stressing me out are still here constantly.

Aimee, what do I do next? I’m still massively struggling with doubt and my life sucks, as I perceive it to be- though that’s just the depressed mind talking- when I can force myself to be grateful I am grateful for a bed to sleep in, house to live in, food to eat etc. I can’t continue this journey alone especially because of the nagging doubts but also don’t know where next to go.

What do you think? Monte? Remedy? Schubiner? Which one? Book or online thing? Repeat something on my own?

Ugh.