thecomputer
Well known member
Sorry I'm not sure if this is appropriate for this forum, but I thought it might help me, as the people on this forum tend to be very thoughtful and considered 
Without going into too much detail...
My cousin has been in a dark place for a long time, and on and off through his whole life. He is extremely volatile and since we were kids he always smashed things and flipped out when things got difficult. The last 7 years or so have been riddled with drugs of all kinds, lots of alcohol, arrests in various countries for smashing hotels etc. He hasn't been totally sober for any substantial period of time. Last year his mum/my aunt died of cancer and he hasn't dealt with it well.
I thought I would go and live with him in his mum's house for a couple of months, to help him move out and sort stuff, but also because I felt the need to get away myself.
I have listened endlessly to his rants, his constant negativity and extreme bitterness to anyone who is remotely happy. I have to take deep breaths constantly to not challenge him. It feels like he uses me to purge all his negativity without any thought to my wellbeing, let alone my voice/throat pain (which is my TMS problem!). It's all about him all the time.
If I do challenge him and maybe reflect back some of the things he is doing to make things worse or drive people away, which I do very gently, he will get angry and break something. He always walks out after losing it. It always scares the hell out of me. He never says sorry, he rarely says thankyou or anything nice to me, or asks me how I am. I have talked for hours and my throat has been in agony, and I tell him I need to stop because of that, and he doesn't care at all. Everyone is too scared to say anything to him so he never really learns to do things differently, although on some level he must know it's not ok.
In one way he is completely attached to me, and depends on me as one of the closest people to him, yet he also behaves in a way that makes it impossible to be around.
Last night he talked and I listened for hours, all about him, everything I suggest he just says 'yeah but...'. I have tried just hearing him and saying I understand, just being there, but he is never talking about the core feelings, he just talks negatively about what's wrong with the world and his life. He is so caught up in the tragic story he is telling himself. He has no gratitude for all the things he has in his life, and he has everything you could I want materially, and people who care about him. Every time he was struggling with an emotion he pours another glass of vodka. It's so hard to watch.
Then he was listening to loud music and making weird noises, shouting, and he's kept me up before doing this. I said if he was going to do it I would stay elsewhere, but he says he would stop. I heard him banging things outside, maybe the car, hitting things, it felt like he was trying to get me to come out. I did go out and tell him I was trying to sleep, and I was in a panics hearing all the crashing. He was just in his boxers and had been self harming which is a more recent development...but it's so hard to see. He said he would be quiet but was wasted.
I went back to bed and basically didn't sleep for hours, hearing him smashing bottles against walls and self destructing. I was so angry this morning but as usual unable to voice anything for fear of more drama.
As always he did not say anything, just moped around feeling hungover and sorry for himself. He never says sorry, I wonder if he even thinks he has done anything that might affect me, being so self involved.
The day has been horrendous, my throat pain is worse than is been in so long, talking is hard, I felt emotionally spent.
He knows I was meant to be leaving in a couple of days for good which he has known all along. I always knew he would lose it when I left, I was dreading it and it's happened.
So this evening I told him if he wanted to repeat last night I couldn't stay around. He mumbled that I should go then. I explained a little about how difficult it is to be around but he nearly flipped out and said I was guilt tripping him, and he'd rather be alone than feeling guilty. I really was in no way trying to guilt trip him, just saying how I felt and expressing stuff that I've bottled up forever. He would barely look at me. He was about to go to the shop and buy alcohol.
I felt the need to try one last time. So I asked him if he would just get one beer, take a valium and we could watch a movie and take it easy as I didn't want to leave it like this. But he said no he didn't want that. So he just chose to self destruct.
I packed up everything I own, and I'm now sitting in the packed car somewhere not too far away! I am going to stay somewhere and then tomorrow I will go back to my home town a few hours away.
I feel a mix of extreme relief and extreme guilt. I was so nervous there and actually beginning to feel scared, I'm unsure exactly what of, definitely that he might kill himself, but also that he might hurt me. When he has knives on his table and is cutting himself and is so out of it he's not in control I can't help but imagine anything could happen.
It feels therapeutic just to write his down, as I don't have anyone around close by, and I've been dealing with this all alone in a big house in the middle of nowhere for far too long.
I guess in some ways I'm looking for some confirmation I did the right thing, or did what I could, because the guilt is really getting to me. I could stay with him, but he does not respond to my offerings of help, and I would have to endure nights of torment and abuse.
It's so hard to walk away, but I genuinely think me being there wasn't helping and possibly enabling him to get worse.
If anyone else has experiences with living with destructive people, addicts, people whose self harming or smash things, maybe they could share anything that helped them deal with it.
I feel quite lost and conflicted. Thanks for listening I really appreciate it, and I said it wouldn't be long and of course it's a huge post!
Thanks
Without going into too much detail...
My cousin has been in a dark place for a long time, and on and off through his whole life. He is extremely volatile and since we were kids he always smashed things and flipped out when things got difficult. The last 7 years or so have been riddled with drugs of all kinds, lots of alcohol, arrests in various countries for smashing hotels etc. He hasn't been totally sober for any substantial period of time. Last year his mum/my aunt died of cancer and he hasn't dealt with it well.
I thought I would go and live with him in his mum's house for a couple of months, to help him move out and sort stuff, but also because I felt the need to get away myself.
I have listened endlessly to his rants, his constant negativity and extreme bitterness to anyone who is remotely happy. I have to take deep breaths constantly to not challenge him. It feels like he uses me to purge all his negativity without any thought to my wellbeing, let alone my voice/throat pain (which is my TMS problem!). It's all about him all the time.
If I do challenge him and maybe reflect back some of the things he is doing to make things worse or drive people away, which I do very gently, he will get angry and break something. He always walks out after losing it. It always scares the hell out of me. He never says sorry, he rarely says thankyou or anything nice to me, or asks me how I am. I have talked for hours and my throat has been in agony, and I tell him I need to stop because of that, and he doesn't care at all. Everyone is too scared to say anything to him so he never really learns to do things differently, although on some level he must know it's not ok.
In one way he is completely attached to me, and depends on me as one of the closest people to him, yet he also behaves in a way that makes it impossible to be around.
Last night he talked and I listened for hours, all about him, everything I suggest he just says 'yeah but...'. I have tried just hearing him and saying I understand, just being there, but he is never talking about the core feelings, he just talks negatively about what's wrong with the world and his life. He is so caught up in the tragic story he is telling himself. He has no gratitude for all the things he has in his life, and he has everything you could I want materially, and people who care about him. Every time he was struggling with an emotion he pours another glass of vodka. It's so hard to watch.
Then he was listening to loud music and making weird noises, shouting, and he's kept me up before doing this. I said if he was going to do it I would stay elsewhere, but he says he would stop. I heard him banging things outside, maybe the car, hitting things, it felt like he was trying to get me to come out. I did go out and tell him I was trying to sleep, and I was in a panics hearing all the crashing. He was just in his boxers and had been self harming which is a more recent development...but it's so hard to see. He said he would be quiet but was wasted.
I went back to bed and basically didn't sleep for hours, hearing him smashing bottles against walls and self destructing. I was so angry this morning but as usual unable to voice anything for fear of more drama.
As always he did not say anything, just moped around feeling hungover and sorry for himself. He never says sorry, I wonder if he even thinks he has done anything that might affect me, being so self involved.
The day has been horrendous, my throat pain is worse than is been in so long, talking is hard, I felt emotionally spent.
He knows I was meant to be leaving in a couple of days for good which he has known all along. I always knew he would lose it when I left, I was dreading it and it's happened.
So this evening I told him if he wanted to repeat last night I couldn't stay around. He mumbled that I should go then. I explained a little about how difficult it is to be around but he nearly flipped out and said I was guilt tripping him, and he'd rather be alone than feeling guilty. I really was in no way trying to guilt trip him, just saying how I felt and expressing stuff that I've bottled up forever. He would barely look at me. He was about to go to the shop and buy alcohol.
I felt the need to try one last time. So I asked him if he would just get one beer, take a valium and we could watch a movie and take it easy as I didn't want to leave it like this. But he said no he didn't want that. So he just chose to self destruct.
I packed up everything I own, and I'm now sitting in the packed car somewhere not too far away! I am going to stay somewhere and then tomorrow I will go back to my home town a few hours away.
I feel a mix of extreme relief and extreme guilt. I was so nervous there and actually beginning to feel scared, I'm unsure exactly what of, definitely that he might kill himself, but also that he might hurt me. When he has knives on his table and is cutting himself and is so out of it he's not in control I can't help but imagine anything could happen.
It feels therapeutic just to write his down, as I don't have anyone around close by, and I've been dealing with this all alone in a big house in the middle of nowhere for far too long.
I guess in some ways I'm looking for some confirmation I did the right thing, or did what I could, because the guilt is really getting to me. I could stay with him, but he does not respond to my offerings of help, and I would have to endure nights of torment and abuse.
It's so hard to walk away, but I genuinely think me being there wasn't helping and possibly enabling him to get worse.
If anyone else has experiences with living with destructive people, addicts, people whose self harming or smash things, maybe they could share anything that helped them deal with it.
I feel quite lost and conflicted. Thanks for listening I really appreciate it, and I said it wouldn't be long and of course it's a huge post!
Thanks
