Hi, I am curious is it better to manage stressful situations without getting angry (I am dealing with something and it is not going my way so I am trying to adopt a calm approach since it's not going to change the situation) or fly in a rage and feel the anger? I'm confused as TMS says to feel the anger and not repress but what if you are conscious the situation is causing you to feel stress because of your perfectionism and needing to control a situation but you also know getting and feeling angry is not going to do you any good as you end up upsetting others in the process without achieving anything from it, so you tell yourself, ok this is annoying but getting angry isn't going to help and the only person it harms is yourself. Thoughts please?
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feduccini
Beloved Grand Eagle
I think this one gets a lot of contradiction in youtube videos and even books, but the main idea is to safely release the anger when you're alone, so your uncounscious understand there's nothing wrong about feeling it, therefore you don't need to keep it inside you for too long. Sarno, Schubiner and Sachs say to feel the anger in a safe way (mostly by journaling and unsent letters). Gordon, Tanner and Prussack talks about somatically feeling the anger until the flame extinguishes itself. Tanner also recommends some sort of physical activity to help consume the fire. Buglio talks more about fear and controlling the breath and noticing the safety around you.
I've seen a lot of therapists say it's not a good idea to vent out the anger, because it creates a relief that masks the anger that's still there inside you. So instead of punching the pillow, you'd rather lay down and let the anger be felt in your body as long as it takes. And if it gets too much, then you punch, shouts etc.
And as you get good at safely releasing anger, you'll be less prone to rage when arguing with someone.
I've seen a lot of therapists say it's not a good idea to vent out the anger, because it creates a relief that masks the anger that's still there inside you. So instead of punching the pillow, you'd rather lay down and let the anger be felt in your body as long as it takes. And if it gets too much, then you punch, shouts etc.
And as you get good at safely releasing anger, you'll be less prone to rage when arguing with someone.
Cactusflower
Beloved Grand Eagle
@feduccini brings up great points. It’s perfectly fine to feel anger, you feel it’s sensations in your body which can course through you and then dissipate after a few moments. You can absolutely do this in the moment and then try a pause. That pause helps you made a decision of what to do next: to express your anger - by saying words or acting out to express yourself.
It’s generally considered that most acting out depending on the situation is not always the most mature way to be expressive. People see the anger, but they don’t know your thought process -your values, that are creating this anger.
There’s anger at situations, people etc. but there is also an angry state of mind that people get stuck in. I think it’s important to assess where you stand in this. It’s something Dr. Hanscom talks about, and explains it’s a hard mindset to break. Feeling the anger and giving your body and mind the chance to clear so you can choose between an off the cuff reaction, or a communicative response is the key.
Other methods away from the situation, are journaling especially unsent letters and meditation.
Be pissed off, just don’t live in it and wallow in it.
It’s generally considered that most acting out depending on the situation is not always the most mature way to be expressive. People see the anger, but they don’t know your thought process -your values, that are creating this anger.
There’s anger at situations, people etc. but there is also an angry state of mind that people get stuck in. I think it’s important to assess where you stand in this. It’s something Dr. Hanscom talks about, and explains it’s a hard mindset to break. Feeling the anger and giving your body and mind the chance to clear so you can choose between an off the cuff reaction, or a communicative response is the key.
Other methods away from the situation, are journaling especially unsent letters and meditation.
Be pissed off, just don’t live in it and wallow in it.
Some situations are just not worth getting angry about but can still evoke an angry reaction - e.g. somebody cutting you up on the road. I have learned to no longer engage in road rage - but this has become a learned behaviour and at times it can still evoke a reaction (eg I am running late and I am caught up behind a driver who doesn't know how to drive) but I am stopping myself by saying eg. no point getting angry as it isn't going to change the situation, I will just have to apologise for my lateness. By doing work on TMS - should I NOT stop myself and get angry if that was my automatic reaction? The thing is we shouldn't be reacting mindlessly - it's a waste of energy. I feel I am undoing work I have worked hard at so this is where I am in conflict. I also had therapy using IFS where we are accepting ALL our parts and not shout at our brain for creating pain, but seems this is what some advice has been.
@feduccini says to release the anger when safely alone. By then the moment will have passed, are you suggesting we should make a daily habit at the end of each day to just punch a pillow regardless to release the stress and tension of the day. Sometimes we can experience multiple situations that can create stress but I certainly don't have time to log everything. I wonder if people going to the gym after work are unconsciously releasing all the pent up emotion without even realising they are doing that.
JanAtheCPA
Beloved Grand Eagle
@vixb, you might consider examining, through self reflection via journaling or even revisiting therapy, why you might have this pattern of holding on to anger over, for example, driving incidents. After all, it's completely normal to get pissed off in the moment at other drivers when they do idiotic things, right? I curse at other drivers all the time, living in a congested urban area. And then I'm done, it's gone from my brain. However, I was married to someone who held on to his rage all day, then he would come home and vent to me in agonizing detail about some incident where he was cut off in traffic, or about some poor store clerk who wasn't nice enough to him in the checkout line. As if he was a special victim of their poor behavior. I put up with this for 23 years, then I was done.
You've described how you rationally trained yourself to control your road rage, but also that it's still there, eating away at you. So I think a legitimate question is, WHY does anger continue to eat away at you and get in the way of your emotional well-being?
Dont get me wrong - dealing with individual rage incidents through writing exercises is incredibly therapeutic (I'm a huge fan of the Unsent Letter myself). But the habit of holding on to rage indicates that there's something deeper going on. Rage is connected to feeling invalidated, and that's what needs to be examined from a much deeper, past point of view. Because, as Dr Sarno and Dr Mate both agree, it all goes back to childhood and family dynamics, usually because as children we were not allowed to safely express our anger and be accepted for what should be normal and short-lived responses over life's barrage of small frustrations and injustices.
I'm thinking that for you, it would be worth the time and the emotional effort to get to the bottom of this. You've done IFS, is there something in IFS theory which can see your rage from your point of view as a small child?
You've described how you rationally trained yourself to control your road rage, but also that it's still there, eating away at you. So I think a legitimate question is, WHY does anger continue to eat away at you and get in the way of your emotional well-being?
Dont get me wrong - dealing with individual rage incidents through writing exercises is incredibly therapeutic (I'm a huge fan of the Unsent Letter myself). But the habit of holding on to rage indicates that there's something deeper going on. Rage is connected to feeling invalidated, and that's what needs to be examined from a much deeper, past point of view. Because, as Dr Sarno and Dr Mate both agree, it all goes back to childhood and family dynamics, usually because as children we were not allowed to safely express our anger and be accepted for what should be normal and short-lived responses over life's barrage of small frustrations and injustices.
I'm thinking that for you, it would be worth the time and the emotional effort to get to the bottom of this. You've done IFS, is there something in IFS theory which can see your rage from your point of view as a small child?
Sorry if I gave you the impression of having road "rage", it was just as an example and it's how it's expressed when driving and getting upset at other drivers. I should have said I no longer get upset as a driver like I used to because I know I can't control others and I know when I get angry drivers in my space it's about them and not me. I personally don't engage but it's very upsetting when I'm at the receiving end - and it's usually me cutting into a space than the other way around!
a better example would be getting angry at a customer service agent who isn't listening to what I am asking for and talking over me. The anger is about not being heard and that I have a "right" to be heard as a paying customer.
Cactusflower
Beloved Grand Eagle
@vixb - that's definitely a case of picking and choosing your battles. You might use that anger and channel it to your better purpose. Stop and take a breather and listen to the agent - listen to what they are saying between the lines. Is it really "no" or is it "work harder at it and maybe you'll get what you want by finding a way". It's not that they are not listening to you. You FEEL like they aren't listening, but they are actually saying "no" and you don't like it. That little gremlin in your mind is kicking and screaming "I WANT MY WAY". But you need to realize that yelling and screaming doesn't always get your way. You might just need to take a breather and see what you need to do to get what you want. Eg. ask questions and listen, even when you are feeling those hot and heavy emotions run their course. Again, it's choosing how you are going to respond vs. a knee-jerk reaction to being pissed off.
Recognize that you might be angry now, so now might not be the best moment to be your best advocate.
Find a method to express yourself, and a way to advocate for yourself in a situation like this.
Here's an example.
Last month I was finally able to be paid for a contract, which was overdue a month. I was getting angry about that. Way to many emails.
The company sent the payment to the wrong address. First they stated that was my fault giving them the wrong address. That shot my anger through the roof. If there is one thing I can not stand is someone insinuating (or outright telling me) I am stupid, make dumb mistakes and am at fault for things I did not do - it's a major trigger for me.
I waited a few days to cool off, and then proved twice over I had sent the correct address.
It took a month for them to get back to me again.
Then they apologized in a rudely backhanded way (once again insinuating it was my fault) but said it was their policy not to resend payment. Now I was super pissed at the back handed insult, however, I needed my money. I had to go through major hoops to get that money, and "prove" that the address they sent funds to was "mine" (which it was not, at all).
I did get my funds, but for a few days contemplated if ever renewing this contract was an option for me, I was pissed off!
But notice I am CONSCIOUSLY pissed off, so the feelings are there and I'm totally aware of this anger. I'm not repressing it. Repression is what creates more symptoms because you don't recognize the stress.
When you are stressed about something that you are aware of, you can take steps to bring your nervous system back into alignment. That doesn't change your anger, but it changes your physiological state to the stress.
Recognize that you might be angry now, so now might not be the best moment to be your best advocate.
Find a method to express yourself, and a way to advocate for yourself in a situation like this.
Here's an example.
Last month I was finally able to be paid for a contract, which was overdue a month. I was getting angry about that. Way to many emails.
The company sent the payment to the wrong address. First they stated that was my fault giving them the wrong address. That shot my anger through the roof. If there is one thing I can not stand is someone insinuating (or outright telling me) I am stupid, make dumb mistakes and am at fault for things I did not do - it's a major trigger for me.
I waited a few days to cool off, and then proved twice over I had sent the correct address.
It took a month for them to get back to me again.
Then they apologized in a rudely backhanded way (once again insinuating it was my fault) but said it was their policy not to resend payment. Now I was super pissed at the back handed insult, however, I needed my money. I had to go through major hoops to get that money, and "prove" that the address they sent funds to was "mine" (which it was not, at all).
I did get my funds, but for a few days contemplated if ever renewing this contract was an option for me, I was pissed off!
But notice I am CONSCIOUSLY pissed off, so the feelings are there and I'm totally aware of this anger. I'm not repressing it. Repression is what creates more symptoms because you don't recognize the stress.
When you are stressed about something that you are aware of, you can take steps to bring your nervous system back into alignment. That doesn't change your anger, but it changes your physiological state to the stress.
Andy Bayliss
TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle
Wonderful responses. To make it very simple I would say that you're aware of the connection between inner anger and TMS. And there is no perfect way to discharge it so that you don't have TMS symptoms. In my experience it can be pretty individual despite my beliefs about what might help another.
Simply work through it with whatever ways appeal to you, based on some of the feedback. You really can't go wrong. It feels complex because it is such a powerful force and we're conditioned from very young to be afraid of it. In its essence it is life force, our aliveness, our discernment about what is serving us and what is not. Not to be afraid of or handled with kid gloves as long as it isn't hurting others. And yet we all act out anger on others, in big and small ways. So even that is too restrictive a statement. Explore, learn, enjoy! And try not to act it out on others. We all do our best.
Simply work through it with whatever ways appeal to you, based on some of the feedback. You really can't go wrong. It feels complex because it is such a powerful force and we're conditioned from very young to be afraid of it. In its essence it is life force, our aliveness, our discernment about what is serving us and what is not. Not to be afraid of or handled with kid gloves as long as it isn't hurting others. And yet we all act out anger on others, in big and small ways. So even that is too restrictive a statement. Explore, learn, enjoy! And try not to act it out on others. We all do our best.