Forgiveness untying the knot that is TMS tension

Diana-M

Diana-M

Beloved Grand Eagle
Right now, I’m reading, Forgive for Good, by Fred Luskin. It’s such a great book. And it’s got me thinking.

It teaches how holding resentment in your heart will hold tension in your body. And, as we know, TMS is tension. Tension causes pain.

Most of my current symptoms came when my two youngest sons got married in recent years. My sons are from a family of three boys. And ironically, they each married women from families of three girls. These two types of families are very different. And understandably, the girls are very attached to their mothers and their own families.

I have resented that my sons spend more time with their wives’ families than with ours. I thought this was so unfair and I really had this underlying anger about it. I didn’t realize how strong my anger was until I started reading this book.

I’ve been applying Luskin’s techniques— which are more logical and scientific than anything else—And they actually work. Luskin says forgiving is a skill. I have a lot more peace now. Work in progress.

Letting go of the anger has also opened the door for me to picture new ways to make this all work. One of my sons always wants us to have holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, the 4th of July) with his wife’s parents and family. (He’s such a sweet kid.) I’ve resisted this, which is really stubborn and rotten of me. But now, I feel a really nice peace about maybe doing that this year. Just allowing that there’s a new way I could live my life. And it will all be OK. Maybe it will even bring more love into my life? Being closed off isn’t good.

Change is hard! But you have to be willing to make it if you want to get better. I think TMS is a big tight knot inside you. It shows that you are holding onto things too tightly that might be hurting you. You have to be willing to look at your life with new eyes, and just let go.

These are just some of the things I’m learning lately and the ways that my life is getting better every day through my TMS life lessons. :)
 
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Well said Diana. It’s tough because we hold on to resentment as a defense mechanism, as a means of trying to have control over our lives to prevent future hurts but it just leads to dysfunctional living. Ah the many memories and relationships I’ve pissed away as a result of resentment….this human experience certainly is a messy one. You’re 100% right the only way forward is to let go, and to try and move past the anger, whether that’s moving on from what caused it or try to make amends.

I hope the holiday with your family goes as well as you deserve it to go.
 
@Rabscuttle
What surprised me was that I couldn’t see it! I couldn’t see my own resentment and loosen up enough to consider where I’m contributing to my own unhappiness.

There’s a little more to this story. My youngest son got married during the height of the pandemic and I opted not to go because I was deathly afraid I could get Covid. It’s really emotional when your kids get married and I felt very left out. I was heartbroken. Unfairly, I wished they would wait to get married until I could come. The bride’s parents were comfortable going. This made me attach resentment to them, but it was on a childish level. (Pure TMS material!) Couldn’t they see how this was hurting me?

Somehow this little ugly resentment burrowed down into my heart. About three symptoms started right during that time. Since I was familiar with Sarno, I knew that this life event was causing me a lot of strain. I tried journaling about it, but I couldn’t get relief. I wrote about my anger. I tried to feel it. But it sunk in deeper.

My resentment kept me from going forward and embracing this new opportunity. They come from another culture that actually combines in-laws and all extended family—when you get married. (Kind of beautiful, really.) But I’m a very private person and I wanted to keep my family to myself like we’ve always done. Usually, the kids take turns spending holidays with their in-laws and then with us, alternating years. It’s kind of the American way.

The idea of being combined every time was a hard idea for me. I’ve even wondered when I got my symptoms if that was why I got them. It was a handy way to say “no” to going to things because I can’t really walk very well. So I was able to avoid a lot of events. I had a fake, but believable excuse.

Now, with this new change of heart, I feel like combining, loving everybody, meeting them the best I can (We don’t speak the same language so I guess I can use a translation app, or just smile a lot). I’ll have to hobble around in front of them, which I’ve dreaded. But who cares? That’s just pride talking.

I adore my daughter-in-law so that makes it easier. My son and my daughter-in-law are going to have a baby in March. Maybe this helped to soften my heart.

All we can do is try to learn about ourselves, soften our hearts, and heal. Maybe our bodies will follow. Now, I’m looking closely for other resentments in my life that might be lurking behind pride, denial and self-righteous justification.

I’m sorry you’ve lost so much, too! Maybe going forward, our lives can be better than they’ve ever been! :)
 
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Diana-M said:
Now, with this new change of heart, I feel like combining, loving everybody, meeting them the best I can (We don’t speak the same language so I guess I can use a translation app, or just smile a lot). I’ll have to hobble around in front of them, which I’ve dreaded. But who cares? That’s just pride talking.
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They won't care. They will just be very happy you came; that's how I've found that it usually is with extended families. It sounds exciting to me, a bit of an adventure, new experiences... the festive traditions will probably be different, the food and the drinks too... and I'm sure they would absolutely love it if you learnt a little smattering of their language (and continued to expand your vocabulary if you fancied doing that). I once spent a Christmas with an extended Greek family. I learned to say a few things in Greek beforehand in preparation. You could see they were amused by my accent, but that they were willing me on, and they absolutely loved the gesture (they told me "nobody bothers to learn any Greek!").

My goodness, that book is having a fabulous 'turning point' effect on you. As Jan says, this is a big deal! :)
 
Thanks, @BloodMoon! I was actually thinking all those same things: it’s exciting; maybe I’ll learn a few things to say. It’s like a whole new world that just opened up, and the roadblock was ME.

Yes, this book hit me just right—courtesy of David Hanscom (it’s one of his favorites), and that’s courtesy of you recommending him earlier this year. So.., Thank you! ❤️
 
Diana-M said:
@Rabscuttle
What surprised me was that I couldn’t see it! I couldn’t see my own resentment and loosen up enough to consider where I’m contributing to my own unhappiness.

There’s a little more to this story. My youngest son got married during the height of the pandemic and I opted not to go because I was deathly afraid I could get Covid. It’s really emotional when your kids get married and I felt very left out. I was heartbroken. Unfairly, I wished they would wait to get married until I could come. The bride’s parents were comfortable going. This made me attach resentment to them, but it was on a childish level. (Pure TMS material!) Couldn’t they see how this was hurting me?

Somehow this little ugly resentment burrowed down into my heart. About three symptoms started right during that time. Since I was familiar with Sarno, I knew that this life event was causing me a lot of strain. I tried journaling about it, but I couldn’t get relief. I wrote about my anger. I tried to feel it. But it sunk in deeper.

My resentment kept me from going forward and embracing this new opportunity. They come from another culture that actually combines in-laws and all extended family—when you get married. (Kind of beautiful, really.) But I’m a very private person and I wanted to keep my family to myself like we’ve always done. Usually, the kids take turns spending holidays with their in-laws and then with us, alternating years. It’s kind of the American way.

The idea of being combined every time was a hard idea for me. I’ve even wondered when I got my symptoms if that was why I got them. It was a handy way to say “no” to going to things because I can’t really walk very well. So I was able to avoid a lot of events. I had a fake, but believable excuse.

Now, with this new change of heart, I feel like combining, loving everybody, meeting them the best I can (We don’t speak the same language so I guess I can use a translation app, or just smile a lot). I’ll have to hobble around in front of them, which I’ve dreaded. But who cares? That’s just pride talking.

I adore my daughter-in-law so that makes it easier. My son and my daughter-in-law are going to have a baby in March. Maybe this helped to soften my heart.

All we can do is try to learn about ourselves, soften our hearts, and heal. Maybe our bodies will follow. Now, I’m looking closely for other resentments in my life that might be lurking behind pride, denial and self-righteous justification.

I’m sorry you’ve lost so much, too! Maybe going forward, our lives can be better than they’ve ever been! :)
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aw Diana! Your post resonates with me a lot, my mom is going through similar stuff (she has 3 boys, of which I am one lol) and she hasn’t made the greatest of adjustments to being a mother in law and all that entails, I’ll spare details, but my mom is dysfunctional, but if I knew she was putting the work in that you are, even a fraction of it, I would so over the moon happy, for her, for me, and just the inspiration that anyone at any time is capable of change. I know you’re doing what you’re doing for you, but I’m sure it will bring great joy to your son and his wife to see you and how far you’ve come. It’s really truly inspiring stuff.

and seconding what @BloodMoon said, pick up a few words or phrases, even just the equivalent of it’s so nice to see you! I bet they’d be so happy. I took a few mandarin classes a few years ago and I used to live in a city where there were a lot of native Chinese speakers who would come into my job. And when I’d work up that courage to whip out a few phrases typically the equivalent of that’s a cute dog or cat (它很可爱), some would just humor my barely intelligible mandarin but others would be so happy. It makes me want to learn again, I think I stopped because it reminded of my old city, an old relationship and an old life that I just thought was gone. But perhaps I’m too harsh, and shouldn’t attach such meaning to hobbies that brought me joy once and could bring me joy again.
 
Rabscuttle said:
anyone at any time is capable of change.
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Anyone at any time IS capable of change! Yeah, my son is greatly factored in to my efforts (as is his sweet wife); but I won’t lie, it has been hard. Every mom suffers when their kids grow older. It’s just built in. And when sons get married?! Whooo! It’s hard.

Be patient with your poor mama. My son was with me. And it helped. Your mom has a good son. You are very kind and smart.
Rabscuttle said:
But perhaps I’m too harsh, and shouldn’t attach such meaning to hobbies that brought me joy once and could bring me joy again.
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Yes!!!! You should learn languages again. I love to do it, too. It’s really fun. This time it will be Spanish for me. Do what you love! Chinese is hard. Will you learn more?

You’re from 3 boys? Ha! Families of 3 boys are very cool, btw :cool: I wouldn’t trade it.
 
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Diana-M said:
Anyone at any time IS capable of change! Yeah, my son is greatly factored in to my efforts (as is his sweet wife); but I won’t lie, it has been hard. Every mom suffers when their kids grow older. It’s just built in. And when sons get married?! Whooo! It’s hard.

Be patient with your poor mama. My son was with me. And it helped. Your mom has a good son. You are very kind and smart.

Yes!!!! You should learn languages again. I love to do it, too. It’s really fun. This time it will be Spanish for me. Do what you love! Chinese is hard. Will you learn more?

You’re from 3 boys? Ha! Families of 3 boys are very cool, btw :cool: I wouldn’t trade it.
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I hope to! My perfectionism has always made it hard, I’ve learned on and off a few times and I would always feel compelled to restart the textbook I use since it’s been so long, but maybe time to soften how I approach learning!

youngest of 3 lol
 
My husband has been learning Spanish. I have been working on my American Sign Language levels again but recent family stuff put me too far behind for the semester so I dropped it for now. I’ll start again in the new year. I’d like to work on my ASL then get my ESL (which I am more familiar with) and perhaps work on other sign languages.
 
BloodMoon said:
do you think that it warrants a workbook?
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I looked over the workbook and I think I’d stick with the book. The book itself isn’t oriented toward addiction, but I think the workbook is. I’d get the book. The methods aren’t complicated. It’s surprisingly easy. I can’t wait to hear what you think about it.
 
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