Feeling Very Defeated

Feeling defeated



Hi everyone, I just recently joined this forum. My name is Kyle and I am 25 years old. I am very active, fit and healthy and not being able to use my body the way I want to has been extremely depressing and debilitating. Right now I feel defeated. I actually turn 25 in an hour but have chosen not to go out and celebrate because my sciatica is beyond overwhelming… so here I am writing this all out.


I am not new to TMS and Dr. Sarno’s brilliance. In fact I was bed ridden at 16 during high school from claimed bulging disks. I went through the common journey of literally trying everything. From physical therapists, weekly chiropractic adjustments, acupuncture, reiki, reputable hand healers, prescription drugs, weekly massage, to yoga and cortisone shots. The list was all over the place, but that’s exactly how my life felt at the time. In short, I discovered Sarno’s book and as many others know, it was life changing. The Pain dissipated and I was able and free to do everything I wanted to again.


I became that guy that would buy pretty much buy any friend or distant friend Sarno’s book if I got wind that they had some kind of “TMS” like sounding symptom(s). The book not to my surprise circulated even into the most argued non-believers and birthed miraculous success. I bring this up because I want to contrast just how much of a believer I was at the time and how much I respected everything Sarno had taught.


Fast-forward a couple years and the pain came back. Sporadically of course, but always would dissipate sometimes in minutes or in some special cases it would take a couple days. I would occasionally have to reread the book or watch his lecture DVD (which is pretty much a vintage classic at this point) that always seemed to help with those stubborn relapses.


So here I am now….


It wasn’t until about 4 months ago that I started to have another episode. Which wasn’t a surprise because it had been almost 11 months since I had any kind of back pain. I Woke up one morning to find the faintest tingling sensation on the right side of my buttocks – as if it had fallen asleep on me while resting in an awkward position. Now something worth mentioning (and I am very aware how TMS can move through the body) but my back pain since the age of 16 when I was bed ridden was always, ALWAYS on my LEFT side. With that in mind, I didn’t immediately associate this new sensation as TMS, I more or less thought it was just sore or bruised. During this time in my life I was training in a lot in mixed martial arts, and weight lifting 5 times a week, also running almost every other day. So in my mind I thought perhaps my body was just overly sore and in need of a couple days to stretch and RR.


Well each couple of days the feeling would progress either in discomfort or lengthening in nerve pain position. It wasn’t until around week 3 where it was very difficult to sit or stand for more than 10 minutes without aching nerve pain that I had an epiphany that this must be TMS. I had just broke up with a GF of 4 years, started going back to school and was starting a more serious job that I realized it was subconscious stress, fear, sadness and rage projecting itself and manifesting pain within my body – TMS.


I had an overwhelming sense of relief knowing it was TMS and something I new exactly how to deal with. I wrote about my feelings and confessed a lot of deep seeded emotion onto paper. I started working out again, distancing the pain with the conclusion that it was only oxygen deprivation and that my subconscious was conditioned behaviorally to affect certain parts of my body at certain times, i.e sitting or bending at the waist.


Well the pain didn’t, and has not gone away. The sciatica has severely affected my entire right side from right lower back all the way to my heel and bottom foot. The pain (depending on how I am sitting, standing or walking) will either be deep aches, or electric fire shocks that make me question reality and almost forget where I am (laughing because that’s literally how much it sucks sometimes).


Like I said I am 4 months into this now. This reminds me of how I felt, except worse when I was 16. I feel helpless, depressed and dysfunctional. If it wasn’t for this pain I would be so content and happy with my life, everything else seems to be going well.


As of 3 days ago I have had to stop all activities (which is beyond devastating for me) and had to call into work (which is very physically active and enjoyable).


I had such horrible discomfort I ended up going to the ER to request an MRI – which was my bottom point because I never believed I would need to do that again always associating my previous TMS experience with the bulging disks I was diagnosed with at 16. I have even been taking Advil WHICH I NEVER DO just to take the edge off. My mind is all over the place… even in the darkest moments thinking about surgery (I know.. I know… ) but its that gratification of daydreaming of having the pain instantly fixed. I am not used to sciatica so it is an entirely new and severe pain.


I am not sure what to do here… I can’t sit longer than 10 minutes without having my sciatica act up and it distracting me from pretty much everything.


I feel very stuck and lost not sure where to go from here. Is there something I am missing???


Any and all comments would be helpful. I appreciate the time you took to read my post.



Thank you so much.


Kyle

 

I had sciatica/TMS years ago and it went away, it took a while, I don't remember how long now. I rigged a pulley to the ceiling above my bed, so I could stretch my painful leg out in the middle of the night, when it kept me from sleeping. I'm not recommending you do that, but whatever works. It did go away and I have no trace of sciatica now.

The best thing you can do is re-read your Sarno for a TMS booster.

Happy Birthday & G'luck!
tt

 

thxs for sharing Kyle, Ive fought the back pain monster for soooo long, tried all the things you mentioned, do anything not to medicate, including bought an inversion table which psychologically I really believed made a difference so of course it did somewhat. It wasn't until later in life I discovered the TMS diagnosis thru the MindBody Prescription book, knew instantly it was me as I had also been diagnosed with spondo earlier in life, which Sarno said in the book he never met a spondo patient who didn't have TMS, my ahha moment. I then had great relief of 10+ years of playing all my sports passions without much pain but the sciatic pain kicked my butt eventually as I ended up collapsing in pain in a marina parking lot after fishing all day cramped in a boat, just laying there in pools of oil soaked puddles and thought i better see a surgeon. So I instantly believed the spine surgeon and forgot about Sarno and TMS somewhat for sure. 3 surgeries later I'm not sure they changed anything for the positive and so I'm back and reengaging as now there is this awesome support and forum and doing the SEP program. Not much advice to give, but maybe if possible to consult with a TMS physician? I'm from Canada so there is no TMS physicians or therapists anywhere near me so I'm working on this by myself really but at least my new surgeon(that story is in my Day 31 SEP post) is completely open to mind-body TMS possibilities. try not to overthink it too much, I wouldn't say your missing anything, for 25 you seem extremely insightful..... good luck Im cheering for you

 

The break up and new job etc. triggered the stress. The stress set off your tms. Now you are preoccupied with the pain and that is why it is persisting. It is nothing more than that. Use the same approach you used to overcome your previous symptoms.

 

The three of you, Thank you very much for your comments and motivation to continue working at this in regards to it indeed being TMS.


I have two things coming up for me everyday and wanted to check in and see what your thoughts are.



The sciatica is pretty much present from morning to night with it being noticeably more painful while sitting or standing straight up for longer than 10 minutes. Sitting almost instantaneously causes extremely uncomfortable sharp pulsing and electric pain which can almost guarantee my right foot, and or leg to go numb after a couple minutes. The worst part is I can usually only last several minutes without having to move because the pain becomes so mentally distracting to which it is very difficult at that point to give my full attention to anything but just trying to survive... horrible feeling.


I have to sit at work or school for more than a couple hours a day. I ABSOLUTELY HATE giving into the pain by having to stand up and switch positions or move around (makes me feel defeated). I feel like that reconditions and amplifies that there is actually something structurally wrong with my back and that it is a necessity to switch positions every couple of minutes to loosen it up. In short, I basically feel like I have to mentally prepare myself for battle every time I choose to sit down for class or work…


Is there any advice on how to mentally overcome this specific variable of pain and discomfort – perhaps even a mental saying? Does anyone else have similar issues of how they were able to defeat this pattern of sciatica and sitting down?


Lastly,


Do I need to stop working out?


Although the pain is very severe I still enjoy getting out of my head each day by going to the gym(its my daily therapy). It’s honestly the only time my mind and body feel free at this point. The pain almost seems to dissipate by blood flow, music and mental distraction. However, it all immediately comes back full force once I am done.


Ive chosen not to stop working out because I am beyond fearful that that would be letting my subconsciouses win, and giving into the pattern of fear and letting the pain take over.


That being said, could I be creating more pain or distress by continuing to workout with my sciatica?
Another words, is me working out often counteracting or counterproductive to my TMS recovery?


Thank you in advance for your time and comments.


Very appreciated.


Kyle

 

Keep working out. Have you looked at the RAHE-HOLMES LIST for what your emotional stressors are?

 

Hey Kyle... you describe my sciatic pain almost exactly the same when I was full blown, sharp pulsing and electric pain shooting down from my low back/hip down my right leg. I'm having flashbacks to when I could barely make it from the bed to the couch and then have to half sit/half lay sideways with the right leg elevated over the side of the couch as this was the only position that felt livable for awhile! but you will overcome it! It really is TMS....here's a mental saying I'm using now...KNOW PAIN, KNOW GAIN!! lol
...I say keep working out too! I had always continued to play hockey through this pain as much as I could, even when I couldn't sit or stand for over 10 minutes due to pain, but lo and behold never felt I hurt myself any more than the pain I was currently in, hockey is a beautiful sport for back pain, your body gets so warm and heated up in all the gear one wears (I would smoother my pain areas with a heating gel also), then you go for 45 seconds on the ice as hard as an old guy like me can go and then get to sit between shifts which actually feels good. My back is so warm and limber by the end of the game and the mind is definitely distracted by focusing on the game. It was always a healthy break for my mind I felt, even before I thought that these issues could ever possibly be generated from the brain....

 

So sorry to hear that you're in pain, Kyle. You're experiencing a lot of stressful situations, so it' snot surprising that the pain has returned.
When you get a chance, i's recommend starting the Structured Education Program on this wiki. Not only will you read a lot of wuccess stories, but you'll also be introduced to a lot of good resources.
Blessings as you heal.

 

Kyle,

I agree with Gigi that you could benefit from doing the SEP or another structured program like Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain. For many of us reading Sarno or watching his lectures isn't enough, especially if we have a relapse. I especially recommend reading Alan Gordon's Recovery Program on this site, with special attention to the concept of outcome independence.

I'm reminded when I read your post above of Eckhart Tolle's quote "what we resist persists". "Fighting" TMS doesn't work. It causes too much stress and tension and feeds the TMS cycle. If you have to stand up after sitting for awhile to feel better, it's OK. Don't view it as defeat. It's just the way it is right now. Be kind to yourself while you do the TMS work. Patiently do the TMS work for about an hour a day, and accept things as they are. Focus on living.

My best to you.......

 

you can speak to a tms dr and therapist for some guidance and a rubber stamp but don't except much more....its all up to you.

 

I feel for you ma man.

Sounds like lots of shit happened in your life lately that triggered this. Breaking up after a long relationship, especially if the other person pulled the trigger is extremely difficult, you dont understand it why, but you had plans and dreams while the other person just decided to end things for whatever reasons. You feel helpless because nothing you do can reverse it. Its not if you work harder you can solve it or if you give it time the case will magically solve itself. You just have to accept the fact she is out there in the same world as you but your realities separate, and you cant help but blame it on yourself. You feel that one part of your soul got ripped off and you experience this empty space in yourself-or you maybe dont even feel anything consciously(probably thats the worse). Man its a bitter pill to shallow, I know it from experience! So especially when shit accumulates it can be extremely hard. Maybe I was surrounded with weak people but I ve never seen a breakup what was just a breakup and didnt affect anything else. Usually a breakup starts a havoc, it doesnt just affect that one part in your life, usually people just find themselves in the middle of a vicious cycle. (Breakup->)negative feelings-> affect personal life-> professional life->more negative feelings->affect deep self->more negative feelings->etcetc. And you are wounded so even tho the problem that wouldnt affect you at all can feel painful(small shit in work, school, little changes), like when you have a big cut in your hand. Usually if you touch something a bit more harsh nothing happens, you dont even feel it or you do for couple minutes, but when you have an open cut the slightest touch can aggravate your pain or open your cut more. I think the soul works in a similar fashion.

You already had TMS so you obviously have the personal traits(and at age 16 its very unlikely to have so severe bulging disc to put you in bed... even at 25), probably low self-esteem along with other things. Some people are affected more by a break up. I believe that accepting tms and believeing it requires mental strength and the worse the things happened in your life more severe TMS is and you believe it less that its just oxygen deprivation. And you probably temporarily lost your mental toughness and maybe whatever stupidly it sounds its easier for you to have the pain than to experience your feelings deep inside. I have been there.

So be strong and give yourself time, believe in your diagnosis, try to experience your deep feelings. I feel like based on your writings we have similar personal traits and I'm almost your age (23)

I'm telling this all to myself too.

 

Great advice from Ellen, among others! A lot of wisdom in that post that really resonates with experience of recovering from sciatica.

I say work out if it helps you feel better. But let yourself not work out, if that feels better. Basically, don't work out if working out means more time obessing with the sensations. Only resume working out when it helps you feel less pain and more pleasure.
Personally, I needed a break from running and weights. I spent a lot of time in the pool, before and after finding out about TMS. Once the pain was mostly gone, I got into hot yoga. That helped me learn how to touch my toes again. A year ago my sciatica was so bad I could barely walk; now I can do headstands!

 

Hi, Kyle. When I've felt defeated, I remember what the great tennis champion Arthur Asche said: "Never give up, no matter what the score is.

You can find some very inspirational videos on Youtube about perseverance.

Orion's reply to you is wonderful. From hardly being able to walk, to doing handstands is terrific! Hot yoga? I'll look into what that is.

 

Good post Orion. Just a quick question about the hot yoga you're doing., is it Bikram? I've never tried it because I heard they don't do inversions like head-stands. Does your hot-yoga do it or is that in another practice?

Thanks,
tt

 

The hot yoga classes I attend are "power vinyasa" and do include some inversions. This has become my favorite workout because it builds strength and flexibility, burns a ton of calories, all while fostering mindfulness. I always make sure to do a few minutes of meditation before and/or after class. I also tried Bikram but did not care for it as much.