Exhausted, I need some help

[JanAtheCPA]

Things like "I am in need of support" is what you are thinking, not feeling.

This is 100% correct. Thinking about emotions is an intellectual exercise, created by the TMS brain mechanism to convince you that you're accomplishing something. It's a trick!

I regularly emphasize the need for emotional vulnerability when doing this work, because I believe that it's essential for true recovery. Emotional vulnerability is deep. Intellectualization is shallow.

I know almost nothing about "dissociation" as a clinical diagnosis, but I am wondering about its relationship to what looks to me like a lack of emotional vulnerability.

The discussion is also reminding me of a question that my therapist says she often asks her clients, which in its simplest form is "Are you fighting to stay sick or to get well?"

If you want to fight to get well, you probably need a major mind shift, which includes letting go of whatever is not working. Perhaps these things helped for a while, but now it seems that they are enabling you to safely paddle around in the shallow end of the pool, rather than taking the bigger risks (and earning the rewards) that are in the deep end.

 

[loveanita]

"Some examples:
My shoulders up tight: I am tense
Having a tunnel vision, or blurred vision: I feel overwhelmed and need a break
My heart pounding: too much pressure, need deep breathes and slowing down
Touching on my neck: I am in need of support"

This is fine, but none of these are emotion, actually things like your vision are the symptoms you don't want to focus on at all. Your brain interprets these things as something "wrong with you". Things like "I am in need of support" is what you are thinking, not feeling.
Feeling emotions are more like:
Angry: a feeling of heat welding up into your face, desire to clench hands.
Fear: sensations in your abdominal area, perhaps a racing heart, or even feeling stuck: rooted to the space you are in.
Sensations of emotions are often very subtle.
My favorite comment you made is my shoulders are tight: I am tense - then you might ask: What emotion am I feeling?
@TG957 is absolutely right, you will be able to sense these things over time and you won't need to even think about them much - they will just happen, in the way the body and mind do their thing. It can just take practice to learn/re-learn them. The fact that you have any awareness about how you are not sensing emotions is excellent! Lots of people struggle with this. I did.

Have you looked at an emotions wheel? It might help you.
https://lindsaybraman.com/emotion-sensation-feeling-wheel/ (Emotion Sensation Feeling Wheel Handout by Lindsay Braman)

Emotional wheel sounds perfect. Thanks for sharing, I should educate myself on this topic. I know these are not emotions, but they guide me to my emotions eventually. When I am tense, I look for a source; when I feel overwhelmed I prioritise self-care and then look for a source. Unfortunately, most of this processing is happening on an intellectual level. Up until recently I could not feel anger for example, my system shut down and forget instead, making me more vulnerable than I would have wanted. I feel anger now, but not as much as I should… When my face is red, my palms are sweaty, my heart is pounding I do not need to check in with my body to understand which emotion that is, because it’s obvious for me too. But for example when I feel overwhelmed, I try to understand the reasons why, and there is a story behind. Oftentimes, it’s about some boundary violation, and my system does not allow me to feel the anger and protect my boundaries, instead numb itself out. Usually, this is due to some earlier conditioning too, therefore some things must shift on an intellectual level too.

 

[loveanita]

This is 100% correct. Thinking about emotions is an intellectual exercise, created by the TMS brain mechanism to convince you that you're accomplishing something. It's a trick!

I regularly emphasize the need for emotional vulnerability when doing this work, because I believe that it's essential for true recovery. Emotional vulnerability is deep. Intellectualization is shallow.

I know almost nothing about "dissociation" as a clinical diagnosis, but I am wondering about its relationship to what looks to me like a lack of emotional vulnerability.

The discussion is also reminding me of a question that my therapist says she often asks her clients, which in its simplest form is "Are you fighting to stay sick or to get well?"

If you want to fight to get well, you probably need a major mind shift, which includes letting go of whatever is not working. Perhaps these things helped for a while, but now it seems that they are enabling you to safely paddle around in the shallow end of the pool, rather than taking the bigger risks (and earning the rewards) that are in the deep end.

Oh this is exactly it! I struggle with emotional vulnerability a lot. There are three basic survival mechanisms; fight, flight, freeze. When the system is convinced that it can survive, sympathetic systems is activated, preparing to fight or run away. In case of the freeze, the system sees no way out and prepares itself for the final blow, numbing itself to feel less pain.
Dissociation is a deep form of the freeze response, occurring when the system perceives an unbearable threat. I recognise when I’m on the verge of dissociating and use that brief window to gather insights about my patterns. Once dissociation fully sets in, it’s usually impossible to retrieve any clear information about why it happened.

So how do I reach emotional vulnerability without activating my freeze response?

And it feels like fighting to get well- like someone who doesn’t know how to swim, desperately trying to stay afloat. But in reality, people float naturally when they stop fighting.

 

[loveanita]

@Ybird @Cactusflower @TG957 @JanAtheCPA @Sita thank you for this discussion, encouragements, and recommendations <3

Your questions and interest helped me tremendously.