Day 18 Emotions coming up

[cookieheals]

I'm having a lot of fear and sadness coming up. The anger keeps melting into a deep sadness, or fears. Today, I had the thought of exercising later today and just the thought sent terror through my body, and took me some time to calm down. According to a few tests I've done, and my history, I think i'm going through a mild anxiety disorder- and wonder if medicating would impact my ability to do TMS work. I fit the profile of mild anxiety and mild depression. Sadness I'd say from multiple events in the past that have been so painful- close to a decade of pain including losing my father when I was ten. Fear because of what my own graph of the past predicts for the future, and a lot of current stresses that if unresolved, could become future nightmares. So that's what I'm finding. There is a lot of anger, and then it melts into sadness and fear.

I'm also on Day 12 of the Pain Recovery Program, and today was on Cognitive soothing. That was really helpful. I just started doing affirmations yesterday at the top of the hour, mostly to help me calm down and check in with giving myself as a sense of safety and belief in the TMS Diagnosis. It has been helping. The constant feeling of discouragement and 'this will never end' is less today. But learning to say to myself "I am safe, everything will be okay, is good"

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi cookieheals,

I think it is interesting to notice that the anger melts into sadness. I think there is a lot of teaching there for you ---not teaching in the cognitive sense, but a teaching by directly experiencing this flow.

It does not sound easy, and it seems that it is "what does not want to be felt." That is some of the core TMS work, I believe, to allow these feelings. And with this, if you're finding a way to comfort and soothe yourself, this is very supportive to allow the feelings, like you're not completely unsafe and on your own.

Fear because of what my own graph of the past predicts for the future, and a lot of current stresses that if unresolved, could become future nightmares.

I encourage you to have compassion for the fearful parts of yourself, and at the same time (and I don't know your situation about the details you refer to here) I wonder if you're not scaring yourself a little. We know so little really about the future. And as you become more aware of your life, there is less chance of your history, or your current stress "messing up your future." So what you really know, perhaps is the fear. But you don't really have good information about what will happen in the future. None of us do.

The constant feeling of discouragement and 'this will never end' is less today.

This constant feeling of discouragement can be understood as a common background flavor of your experience in your personality, but not actually mean that much in your life. It is great that you're finding a way to have some compassion and some mindful distance from this sense of "overwhelm."

 

[cookieheals]

Hi cookieheals,

I think it is interesting to notice that the anger melts into sadness. I think there is a lot of teaching there for you ---not teaching in the cognitive sense, but a teaching by directly experiencing this flow.

It does not sound easy, and it seems that it is "what does not want to be felt." That is some of the core TMS work, I believe, to allow these feelings. And with this, if you're finding a way to comfort and soothe yourself, this is very supportive to allow the feelings, like you're not completely unsafe and on your own.


I encourage you to have compassion for the fearful parts of yourself, and at the same time (and I don't know your situation about the details you refer to here) I wonder if you're not scaring yourself a little. We know so little really about the future. And as you become more aware of your life, there is less chance of your history, or your current stress "messing up your future." So what you really know, perhaps is the fear. But you don't really have good information about what will happen in the future. None of us do.



This constant feeling of discouragement can be understood as a common background flavor of your experience in your personality, but not actually mean that much in your life. It is great that you're finding a way to have some compassion and some mindful distance from this sense of "overwhelm."

Hi Andy, thanks so much for the time you took to write to me today. I think you're the same person actually whose words helped me overcome Back pain back in 2017. Back then I got to Day 18, was healed and never came back. Before the symptoms started in my toe and knee, they first tried my back, and I was very much like "I'm not buying it!" which is probably how it ended up in my knee and toe as those were places the doctors told me I was structurally vulnerable.

Anyway, yeah, I am finding ways to soothe myself. Everyday I do either mindfulness meditation or self compassion meditation, and it's so helpful to feel comfort from myself. Not analysis, or journalling, or lets think this through. Just plain "i'm here for you,". I have gotten so little of that ever since I was born, and it is creating a wonderful relationship between myself and myself.

I've never thought about having compassion for the fearful parts of myself- though this is probably what Alan was alluding to in Day 13- "Cognitive soothing" in speaking affirming "You are safe" messages to myself, even if they are not warranted. When I do that, I find that some kind of fear was already happening in the background, and some kind of voice tends to respond to me, with questions like "How do you know?" And "It wasn't okay when that happened that time" and "What if it never gets better" and I actually respond to her, whoever she is- it actually feels like a real conversation, and I offer my logic. I don't always believe what I'm saying, but somehow I notice it calms her down and calms me down. This is an interesting experience.

I've started giving her a hug while saying, "Physical activity is safe," and notice that gets our heart racing, but I'm saying it anyway, and hope it'll become true as I continue fighting on.

What do you mean by the comment on the background flavor of my life? Didn't understand that bit. Thank you for being here, Andy




Thanks

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi cookieheals,

I am so glad I helped you in 2017! I do so many messages I forget names...but I'm glad you remembered me.

which is probably how it ended up in my knee and toe as those were places the doctors told me I was structurally vulnerable.

I think this is a good observation.

Also, when folks come to the work "the second time around" it often means that the work goes deeper. This seems to be true with your experience these days: seeing more emotional material, getting to more "core" stuff. This is the teaching of TMS. It may help you to understand this about your process these days.

I actually respond to her, whoever she is- it actually feels like a real conversation, and I offer my logic. I don't always believe what I'm saying, but somehow I notice it calms her down and calms me down. This is an interesting experience.

This is interesting to me. It is as if even if you're not completely convinced, your actual presence with yourself is comforting. I think this is core work: developing and deepening a "companioning" with yourself. This relieves fear, and it allows deeper feeling, because we feel safer.

What do you mean by the comment on the background flavor of my life?

What I mean is that I can have experiences of discouragement, or self-doubt, or "this will never end," sense of being a victim ---or just notice negative thought loops. When I can catch these feelings and thoughts without completely believing them, and when ---importantly---- I don't reject myself for having these experiences, then I might be able to understand these "flavors" as a natural, repeated part of the egoic experience. Probably not "fixable" in some sense. But rather, part of the scenery here which emerges at times from the background.

If I can see the negative experiences this way, I get less entangled in them, less identified, and I have more self compassion.

 

[cookieheals]

Hi cookieheals,

I am so glad I helped you in 2017! I do so many messages I forget names...but I'm glad you remembered me.



I think this is a good observation.

Also, when folks come to the work "the second time around" it often means that the work goes deeper. This seems to be true with your experience these days: seeing more emotional material, getting to more "core" stuff. This is the teaching of TMS. It may help you to understand this about your process these days.



This is interesting to me. It is as if even if you're not completely convinced, your actual presence with yourself is comforting. I think this is core work: developing and deepening a "companioning" with yourself. This relieves fear, and it allows deeper feeling, because we feel safer.



What I mean is that I can have experiences of discouragement, or self-doubt, or "this will never end," sense of being a victim ---or just notice negative thought loops. When I can catch these feelings and thoughts without completely believing them, and when ---importantly---- I don't reject myself for having these experiences, then I might be able to understand these "flavors" as a natural, repeated part of the egoic experience. Probably not "fixable" in some sense. But rather, part of the scenery here which emerges at times from the background.

If I can see the negative experiences this way, I get less entangled in them, less identified, and I have more self compassion.

I love this- the way of dealing with doubt. Instead of saying to myself ‘what’s wrong with me for doubting, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just believe the Word of God that I am Healed and the overwhelming evidence that shows that this begun at a stressful time’ to ‘Oh there are the doubtful thoughts again. This is part of recovery. This is normal. It’s okay to have thoughts of doubt. I’m just a little scared. It’s okay. I’m still safe. I’m still healthy and safe. This is normal. I’m getting better and it’s okay to feel this way’

Is that sort of what you meant? Thanks so much. Yeah, definitely being there for myself has made such a huge difference. I feel so much calmer in the past few days through alan Gordon’s cognitive soothing suggestion. Giving myself a hug and talking to myself often brings tears. I’m really appreciating this sisterhood and motherhood with self.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

‘Oh there are the doubtful thoughts again. This is part of recovery. This is normal. It’s okay to have thoughts of doubt. I’m just a little scared. It’s okay. I’m still safe. I’m still healthy and safe. This is normal. I’m getting better and it’s okay to feel this way’

Yes cookieheals, this is exactly what I mean. And I think you're finding a wonderful path for yourself!