Do you feel you deserve to be happy?

[MWsunin12]

Hi everyone,

I do believe in TMS. My entire adult life I've gone from one "nerve" issue to another. I won't list them.
Now, they just hop around faster, so I take it I haven't 100% committed to the psychological aspect.

I used to go to doctors for the issues, but I don't now. The internet is chock full of people with multiple diagnosis, wrong diagnosis, "learn to live with it" advice, and pain killer addictions. I think doctors have a huge frustration with not being able to "fix" patients, so they just give a diagnosis so the patient has a label. I've been sent on "wild goose chases" many times, even by "Natural" healers.

Here's what I've come to realize: Along the path as a child, I think my brain latched on to the idea that my happiness is secondary. (with plenty of reasons) Even though, it would appear, that I've made a life for myself where my happiness could be primary, I still relinquish it to any little problem person, or issue.

Then, I was thinking about "nerve" issues. The happy people in my life don't have them. They don't have TMS, either.

Wondering, is this a commonality amongst those of us on this TMS board? Have you been conditioned, told, or accepted that your happiness is secondary? Or that you somehow don't deserve it?

Thanks! I write this as I head to the east coast to take care of my two elderly, very self-centered, parents. I dread it, every time. The guilt, mixed with shame, and...being treated like I'm there to serve them...is making me....WOW! Enough said.

 

[Tennis Tom]

Wondering, is this a commonality amongst those of us on this TMS board? Have you been conditioned, told, or accepted that your happiness is secondary? Or that you somehow don't deserve it?

Been told that by a shrink once, that I don't feel I deserve to be happy--a common psychological theme shared by the TMS "GOODIST" personality type.

 

[plum]

Hi everyone,

I do believe in TMS. My entire adult life I've gone from one "nerve" issue to another. I won't list them.
Now, they just hop around faster, so I take it I haven't 100% committed to the psychological aspect.

I used to go to doctors for the issues, but I don't now. The internet is chock full of people with multiple diagnosis, wrong diagnosis, "learn to live with it" advice, and pain killer addictions. I think doctors have a huge frustration with not being able to "fix" patients, so they just give a diagnosis so the patient has a label. I've been sent on "wild goose chases" many times, even by "Natural" healers.

Here's what I've come to realize: Along the path as a child, I think my brain latched on to the idea that my happiness is secondary. (with plenty of reasons) Even though, it would appear, that I've made a life for myself where my happiness could be primary, I still relinquish it to any little problem person, or issue.

Then, I was thinking about "nerve" issues. The happy people in my life don't have them. They don't have TMS, either.

Wondering, is this a commonality amongst those of us on this TMS board? Have you been conditioned, told, or accepted that your happiness is secondary? Or that you somehow don't deserve it?

Thanks! I write this as I head to the east coast to take care of my two elderly, very self-centered, parents. I dread it, every time. The guilt, mixed with shame, and...being treated like I'm there to serve them...is making me....WOW! Enough said.

All too often we answer our own questions don't we . Perhaps it would be more insightful to ask why you feel you don't deserve to be happy and then get in there and dismantle all the grotty conditioning, shame and guilt. Or, and this is my preference, you can tell it all to go fish, shrug, declare San Fairy Ann* and do something more interesting instead. View it as an active meditation in facing and becoming friendly with tension. Tension can be pleasurable too. A variant on Oscar Wilde's 'The suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts'.

You're in control of your biochemistry. With a little practice, patience and love you can transform it all. I've found that I care for others best when my own cup runneth over. I have to look after myself first, care about how I feel and get good at maintaining that before I am any use to anyone. When I fail to do this I am on a crash-course with TMS.

Remember, family are how we learn about unconditional love. But first, learn to unconditionally love yourself.

Have a good trip, regardless of what happens, keep taking in the good.


*British Slang for it doesn't matter/sweet f.a.

 

[Lainey]

Unconditionally loving ourselves does not come easy. Although, my aging self is much, much better at this now than in past years. I find now I get irritated at others needs, particularly when it seems the 'others' are not even trying to take initiative to do their own bidding. So, MW, take good care of yourself on your journey east to take care of your self-centered parents. You are the adult now, you can come away from this journey unscathed. You can help them but also keep a boundary, knowing you have transcended the little girl you were years ago, under their tutelage. They will probably never know this, but YOU know this and your brain knows this.
Good Luck. Let us know how it works out.
Lainey
BTW, is your beautiful picture from your home? It looks like an Alaska scene.

 

[Lainey]

Been told that by a shrink once, that I don't feel I deserve to be happy--a common psychological theme shared by the TMS "GOODIST" personality type.

I think your shrink was right, but it is hard to hear this. Deserving to be happy always seemed to be someone else's call. I certainly couldn't be the one calling the shots in those earlier years. It wasn't up to me to CHOOSE to be happy, I was not even sure what this would look like so many years ago.
Sigh, live and learn.
Lainey

 

[Click#7]

Hi everyone,

I do believe in TMS. My entire adult life I've gone from one "nerve" issue to another. I won't list them.
Now, they just hop around faster, so I take it I haven't 100% committed to the psychological aspect.

I used to go to doctors for the issues, but I don't now. The internet is chock full of people with multiple diagnosis, wrong diagnosis, "learn to live with it" advice, and pain killer addictions. I think doctors have a huge frustration with not being able to "fix" patients, so they just give a diagnosis so the patient has a label. I've been sent on "wild goose chases" many times, even by "Natural" healers.

Here's what I've come to realize: Along the path as a child, I think my brain latched on to the idea that my happiness is secondary. (with plenty of reasons) Even though, it would appear, that I've made a life for myself where my happiness could be primary, I still relinquish it to any little problem person, or issue.

Then, I was thinking about "nerve" issues. The happy people in my life don't have them. They don't have TMS, either.

Wondering, is this a commonality amongst those of us on this TMS board? Have you been conditioned, told, or accepted that your happiness is secondary? Or that you somehow don't deserve it?

Thanks! I write this as I head to the east coast to take care of my two elderly, very self-centered, parents. I dread it, every time. The guilt, mixed with shame, and...being treated like I'm there to serve them...is making me....WOW! Enough said.

I think your shrink was right, but it is hard to hear this. Deserving to be happy always seemed to be someone else's call. I certainly couldn't be the one calling the shots in those earlier years. It wasn't up to me to CHOOSE to be happy, I was not even sure what this would look like so many years ago.
Sigh, live and learn.
Lainey

That is part of the problem...you can't feel guilty....love yourself.

 

[MWsunin12]

Thank you for all of your kind insights.

Unconditionally loving ourselves does not come easy. Although, my aging self is much, much better at this now than in past years. I find now I get irritated at others needs, particularly when it seems the 'others' are not even trying to take initiative to do their own bidding. So, MW, take good care of yourself on your journey east to take care of your self-centered parents. You are the adult now, you can come away from this journey unscathed. You can help them but also keep a boundary, knowing you have transcended the little girl you were years ago, under their tutelage. They will probably never know this, but YOU know this and your brain knows this.
Good Luck. Let us know how it works out.
Lainey
BTW, is your beautiful picture from your home? It looks like an Alaska scene.

It was from a trip to Aspen. A beautiful lake. Suddenly a moose came out of the woods and swam across this ice cold lake. It was a wow!

 

[plum]

I think your shrink was right, but it is hard to hear this. Deserving to be happy always seemed to be someone else's call. I certainly couldn't be the one calling the shots in those earlier years. It wasn't up to me to CHOOSE to be happy, I was not even sure what this would look like so many years ago.
Sigh, live and learn.
Lainey

And yet how lovely it is to realise that we are the artist of our own lives and that we can craft and create happiness and all other shades of feeling we desire. Challenging for sure but when approached with curiosity and compassion the whole quality of life transforms. Besides which isn't one of the boons of ageing caring less about what doesn't matter and relishing all that does. I'm even beginning to enjoy the learning curve and icky feelings because I know that once I get behind my fear, I can move beyond it.

Plum xxx
(Still half asleep. Coffee in hand. Contemplating music to listen to).

 

[Lainey]

bnjmk,l.;/'
n m,;.'/

And yet how lovely it is to realise that we are the artist of our own lives and that we can craft and create happiness and all other shades of feeling we desire. Challenging for sure but when approached with curiosity and compassion the whole quality of life transforms. Besides which isn't one of the boons of ageing caring less about what doesn't matter and relishing all that does. I'm even beginning to enjoy the learning curve and icky feelings because I know that once I get behind my fear, I can move beyond it.

Plum xxx
(Still half asleep. Coffee in hand. Contemplating music to listen to).

Plum
Your beautiful way with words is a joy to all of our eyes and ears.
Yes, we can move beyond whatever our fear holds. I am holding on to the mantra that aging, indeed, holds rewards.
Lainey
(coffee brewing at this moment)

 

[Tennis Tom]

Contemplating music to listen to

so what did you choose?

 

[plum]

so what did you choose?

I'm feeling playful so I let my iPod shuffle. It settled on Michael Kiwanuka, Hooverphonic (with orchestra-live), Natacha Atlas and then some Astor Piazzolla (before my better half shuffled in and it was off with headphones and into tea-making) which translates emotionally into tragic yet hopeful, luxurious sleaze, melancholy and then the soft slide into despair.

Sounds like a love affair .

 

[Ellen]

It took me way too long to learn that happiness is a choice we make moment to moment. There are lots of reasons we don't choose happiness, and not feeling deserving is among them. But the good news is that we can always choose again. Choose love, peace, forgiveness and happiness follows...always.

 

[Ellen]

declare San Fairy Ann*


*British Slang for it doesn't matter/sweet f.a.

I love all Plum's words, but Oh, I do love British slang. I think ".....and Bob's your uncle" is my favorite.

 

[Time2be]

First of all, it seems to be very typical for TMS patients to think they are worthy to have a happy life. I can absolutely understand you. I always say in a playful manner that I don’t have a talent to be happy. But as plum says, it is possible to change this. I take small steps. I try to value all the good experiences, like having a nice evening knitting and a glass of white wine. This is happiness .. not big one, but this is what keeps one going. I had to learn that the hard way.

To plum: I love english, I love the language. Your english is a pleasure to read and for a non- native speaker it is almost impossible to reach this level of perfection.

 

[Lily Rose]

I am a bit of a word-freak (understatement!). Rather than saying I deserve to be happy, ...... I prefer the statement "I am worthy of happiness, love, compassion .."

The subtle difference between 'deserve' and 'worthy' may be small, but it is there. To deserve something can mean a reward OR a punishment.
Worthy, is warmer, richer.

You are worthy of happiness ... your worth is already there. It just ... is.

.... with Love and Gratitude ^_^