It's 1.15am and I sitting up wrapped in a blanket in the worst pain of my life. I've been battling this shit for so long I'm seriously thinking of killing myself. I've almost written my success story so many times only to be dragged down again. Something always seems to happen in my life to start it all up again. I used to be on the forum all the time but I gave up on TMS healing after 12 years of being on the roller coaster improvement followed by setbacks. Basically I can't finish the job. My main TMS symptoms have always been migraine and neck and shoulder pain and spasms. I now have insomnia anxiety and depression and THE MOST CRIPPLING EXCRUCIATING lower back and leg pain. I can't lie down to try to sleep. I'm terrified of losing my husband and my job. I've had very bad experiences with doctors so no help there. I was polydrugged to within an inch of my life by a neurologist and suffered terrible side effects and protracted withdrawals. To make matters worse I'm perimopausal which is making my TMS way worse. Looking back I've had TMS off and on my whole life. It's just gotten worse as I've aged (I'm 52). I'm MD of loss making company my mum's dying from Alzheimers and I've nothing to live for. I'm terrified depressed anxious and in constant agony. I'm trapped in a negative spiral I can't break. I'm in the UK so no access to a TMS therapist. I've tried two regular therapists, but it didn't help. It'seems very expensive anyway and I don't have the money. My poor husband tries his best to be supportive, but I just feel guilty for ruining his life. I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm in a very dark place and can't see any point in living. I forgot to mention that I'm being tested for ovarian cancer as well. I live life in constant fear.