Well,
@Hopeful818, what a crazy ride! Crazy and frustrating and so very much TMS!
I don't have a good sense of how far you got with the SEP, three years ago, but that's where I would start, along with re-reading maybe just one of your favorite books from when you were still learning about TMS. Preferably one of the easier reads, like Dr Sarno, rather than a denser one like Steve O. Because the truth is that you do know your TMS theory - and many people report that a refresher can be very valuable in addressing the initial panic of a setback. You can't accomplish much until you can calm your poor unconscious primitive brain down, and allow more room for rational conscious thoughts.
What you want to do is to revisit the additional principles and techniques in the SEP, specifically the writing exercises. Start with the list-making exercises, and proceed to pick your favorite writing technique to go deeper into your list topics.
See if you can figure out what it was in your old posts or responses that triggered you. That means that you must read them again. You can not allow yourself to be afraid of doing this, because that's where you'll find the thing that your brain wants to repress.
Your fearful brain will resist! Ask yourself: what's the worst that can happen? You primitive TMS brain literally thinks you could die, but that's because it only knows how to visualize sabre-tooth tigers. YOU know rationally that there is no physical danger in looking closely to figure out what triggered your fear. So, you can thank your brain for trying to protect you from tigers, but tell it that you are literally quite safe. Then be brave, and take the plunge.
You can do this!
