Day 3

[AnnaSchweitzer]

Events with strong emotions #1
I grew up with an angry emotionally unattached dad. I remember always feeling like I needed to be tough, act a certain way, be perfect, work hard, i felt like an inconvenience, I was never good enough, etc. I was so hungry for his approval and love. I realize now that my inner bully is his voice. Constantly self hatred and hard on myself. I know that my eating disorder stemmed from all of this self pressure/anxiety.

I remember one of my first emotional life events was anytime we (my siblings and I) were running around the house having fun he'd look at us with disdain and tell us to be quiet. Like he was discusted with us and we didn't deserve to have fun.

I remember a time in college when my first apartment got broken into and robbed and I was terrified. I called my Dad and he said "things are going to happen and you need to learn to deal with them". I was so hurt.

I remember never feeling safe (especially emotionally) and always having to fend for myself and take care of myself. I didn't trust anyone to take care of me and still don't.

 

[Crissyxox]

I think that last two lines is very imperative to your recovery. Read them over and over. I'm the same. Good luck to you.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Anna. I think we all feel (to varying degrees) that we are on our own.
I have taken comfort in knowing that The Holy Spirit is within me (us), protecting me. That may sound too religious to you, but it sure helps me. It is like a white light covering me. I'm, 85 and like knowing I am not alone.

You are also not alone because you are now part of the very caring TMS community. We are all here for each other.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Anna,

What a great deal of understanding you have!

I realize now that my Inner Bully is his voice.

This specificity is great. It begins to give you some great ways to "disengage" from the Inner Bully. You know that it is your father's voice. When you are under "attack" for a feeling or activity, you might say gently: "I'm taking care of my life right now Dad, I'm not concerned with what you think."

So nice to see the great insights that you are writing.

Andy B.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

My father used to tell my older brother and sister and me to "Keep it down to a roar!"

We all somehow survived.

 

[AnnaSchweitzer]

Walt and Andy- thank you for your responses. It feel so great to be back posting and getting some great advice! I can feel the love on this forum and so thankful for it.
Walt- I have a relationship with Jesus! I have been reading my bible more and am also trying to lean in on the fact that the holy spirit is with me to guide me and trust God. ANd knowing that ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM. I take great comfort in God and his plan. I think I just spend way too many years trying to be the perfect Christian (without a relationship with GOD) and trying to do it all by myself. I am learning to let him accept me AS THE MESS I AM and let his love change me. Letting him love me and extending that love to love myself is a needed next step for me) not self condemning and never being good enough etc. Just let Go and let GOD.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I am learning to let him accept me AS THE MESS I AM and let his love change me. Letting him love me and extending that love to love myself is a needed next step for me) not self condemning and never being good enough etc. Just let Go and let GOD.

Hi Anna,
This is a wonderful aim for yourself. I think you may be closer to this than you are aware of. Just turning toward yourself with this intention is huge. Some people spend their whole lives and never have such a clear wish for themselves! May your understanding and love be more and more revealed in you, for you.
Andy B.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Anna. I am glad you have a strong relationship with God. He loves us, imperfections and all.