Day 18 . Take a look at your journal entries. What emotions are most prevalent?

[Dee.1983]

I went through each Journal entry and this is what came up...
Sad / Angry / Guilty / Jealous / Fear / Anger / Fear / Shame / Sad / proud +pride / Guilty / Angry / Sad / angry / Vulnerable / Angry / Sad / Angry / Fear / Angry / resentment / Anger / Shame /Guilt

Until recently I thought... I was fine and didn't feel any of these things ( no wonder I have a headache every day).
I was aware anger and sadness were coming up time and time again but I was not expecting Shame, fear and guilt.
Now what to do with this ?

 

[Diana-M]

Now what to do with this ?

Keep going! Keep learning! You’re doing great! Check out this thread. We are discussing anger. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/thirty-years-of-severe-back-pain-gone-using-mock-violence.30052/ (Thirty years of severe back pain gone, using mock violence)

 

[Dee.1983]

Keep going! Keep learning! You’re doing great! Check out this thread. We are discussing anger. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/thirty-years-of-severe-back-pain-gone-using-mock-violence.30052/ (Thirty years of severe back pain gone, using mock violence)

Thanks - that threat was incredibly eye opening and has really struck a cord with me. In fact my worst symptoms ( these hideous headaches) started in a period of forgiveness - they started in the middle of a 6 week Buddhist course where I was learning buddhist metta prayer. Some of the people I focused on I didn't really want to forgive so I guess I was just suppressing that anger even deeper. Maybe its just a coincidence but its definitely an area for me to explore / journal about.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

but I was not expecting Shame, fear and guilt.
Now what to do with this ?

Well, it's so interesting what you just said about forgiveness. On that thread I submitted my understanding that you can choose to forgive an individual who has caused harm, separately from their unforgivable behavior. This is because the individual is or was an emotional disaster thanks to their own upbringing, and it's possible to have compassion for that - but that can never excuse the actions they took to bring harm to you or anyone else. Any amount of forgiveness is still a choice, however. It's not required, and it definitely should not be forced due to an ideological ideal that might not work for you.

There is one major exception - which is that you absolutely must forgive yourself. That's what you do with the shame and the guilt and the fear, including any self-induced guilt if you should decide that you can not forgive someone. You don't have to if you don't want to, you just have to be very clear that whatever choice you make, it's out of self-love and self-compassion.

 

[Diana-M]

Any amount of forgiveness is still a choice, however. It's not required, and it definitely should not be forced due to an ideological ideal that might not work for you.

Jan, I wish that were true. It does pose a conundrum for people of some faiths. I think if you love the religion (or God, or whatever you believe in) you do have to forgive, or you won’t feel at peace with your inner core beliefs. And so, it comes down to gray areas. Nothing is black and white. Some things take working out on a philosophical level. Finding a way to love yourself, and also love your neighbor. And I totally agree forgiveness never requires forgiving the crime itself.

 

[Dee.1983]

Well, it's so interesting what you just said about forgiveness. On that thread I submitted my understanding that you can choose to forgive an individual who has caused harm, separately from their unforgivable behavior. This is because the individual is or was an emotional disaster thanks to their own upbringing, and it's possible to have compassion for that - but that can never excuse the actions they took to bring harm to you or anyone else. Any amount of forgiveness is still a choice, however. It's not required, and it definitely should not be forced due to an ideological ideal that might not work for you.

There is one major exception - which is that you absolutely must forgive yourself. That's what you do with the shame and the guilt and the fear, including any self-induced guilt if you should decide that you can not forgive someone. You don't have to if you don't want to, you just have to be very clear that whatever choice you make, it's out of self-love and self-compassion.

You always say the right thing at the right time, and help me to focus my thoughts, and often make me cry ( which is great). I love what you have said about forgiveness that allows both compassion and anger to be present at the same time. I am currently quite enjoying the anger and when my symptoms pop up I am screaming at them to fuck off only now the fuck off and anger is directed and some people who over the last couple of years have been shit bags to me.
As for the self forgiveness I was just pondering if I could change 1 thing in my life what would it be - I am lucky and I love where I live, I have a job I don't mind even like some day, currently reduced my hours so not killing myself anymore, a handful of true friends but I got quite upset when I realised the thing I'd actually like is a relationship, with someone who is kind and actually really cares about my well being and emotions. I was upset because I though I was miss independent, solo female warrior in need on no one. But you have made me realise maybe first I need to have that relationship with myself, to be kind and care about my emotional needs - what a revelation, and I don't even feel guilty or embarrassed saying it, ok a bit embarrassed but its a work in progress.

 

[Diana-M]

@Dee.1983
You sound like you’re making some great realizations and great breakthroughs. This is exciting! I’m right there with you!

 

[Cactusflower]

Jan, I wish that were true. It does pose a conundrum for people of some faiths. I think if you love the religion (or God, or whatever you believe in) you do have to forgive, or you won’t feel at peace with your inner core beliefs.

I do not believe so.
You can love someone, such as a horribly abusive parent and not forgive their actions and still be a child of your god and be loved and cherished by the world because you are human and were created with feelings, thoughts and free will. You don’t need to “must” religious rules… heck look at what goes on in the world today in the name of religion! You can forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness to have these feelings and still have them -without guilt or shame.
Because that is what it boils down to. I MUST forgive or live with the shame of being the person my perpetrators said I was. We are often told we are “bigger” than them if we forgive.
I actually believe what @JanAtheCPA mentioned earlier, that forgiving your perpetrator by way of how they became dysfunctional is sometimes the best way. You don’t forgive the person or their actions but you forgive the fact that they developed corrupt values because of the way they were one time treated.

 

[Diana-M]

forgiving your perpetrator by way of how they became dysfunctional is sometimes the best way

I think what Jan said is right. It’s actually the ONLY way. As far as religion “making” you do anything. Religion can’t do that. You do everything to yourself. And that’s what I mean by you have to find the compromise inside yourself. You have to find peace with yourself in a way that keeps the world, the way you see it, together. I also think that it’s easy to say you’ve forgiven the person, not the action. And if you’re super honest with yourself—you haven’t forgiven them at all. Hanscom says it’s a choice. A conscious choice. But is it? (This stuff is hard. And with no clear cut solution.) In my faith, I believe it’s impossible to forgive without divine help. But you have to be ready to ask for that help. And like Jan said, you have to somehow work through your feelings first. (How long does that take?) Hard to say. But I think anger is an indication you’re not at peace yet.