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Day 11 day 11

blake

blake

Well known member
Hi all,
I'm slowly making my way through the structured program and journaling about past traumatic events. I feel the need to share this story with others in the hopes of lightening my load a bit.

When I was 19 years old, I had a workplace accident. I burned my arm very badly with a boiling pot of soup and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. The pain was excruciating and since I was estranged from my very dysfunctional family at the time, I was also completely alone. I didn't even bother telling them actually.
But here's the crazy thing: I remember feeling guilty that I was giving my employer a problem and guilty for getting workman's compensation for a month. In reality, the accident was completely my employer's fault for not providing proper pots to be carried up a flight of stairs and I probably would have been entitled to more financial compensation than just one month's pay.

My self-esteem was/is so low that I felt ashamed about the accident!!! That makes me so sad and angry. I deserved much more and this is a pattern I have in my life in general.

I'm also left with what I think may be a bit of ptsd, since on most nights when I was asleep, I get images in my head of my son getting burned by accident. I shut out the thoughts but they come no matter what.

Don't know if there's a link with this particular incident and my tms, but it feels good to share it.
 
I have found doing the journaling about past events helps a lot. Even things I have forgotten are coming back.

Your post reminded me of before I heard about this I had a back operation in 2000 and I felt so guilty about the time before and after off work and on workman's comp.

I had that same guilt about missing work from lack of self esteem not believing I was important enough.

I am sure that accident did feed heavily into your TMS.
 
Thank you for your feedback. It's always nice to know that other people experience these things too. I come from a family where people never talk about feelings, so being to hear other people's stories is really healing for me.

I'm remembering stuff too. I went into the journaling thinking that I already knew all my issues. Boy was I wrong about that! I've had one really great breakthrough and it convinced completely that the tms approach is exactly what I need.
 
Blake, your guilt sure means to me your pain is from that.
You sound like a very good, caring, honest person so you just have to forgive your employer
for not providing sufficient safety on the job. You don't have to forgive him/her in person or by phone or letter.

Just forgive them mentally. And raise your level of self-esteem. You have no reason to have low self-esteem.
You may have other repressed emotions, probably going back to your childhood, so I suggest journaling
to discover them.

You also sound very conscientious, which is part of a perfectionist personality and a person who wants to be liked
by everyone for everything. Those cause anxiety, guilt, and pain.

Stick with the SEP program and you will win your battle against pain.
 
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