DAY 1 After 6 years of chronic pain, seeing many doctors and trying different things— I accept my TMS diagnosis last month. I realize at this point it has to be psychogenic because I was able to sit for the first time, in over a year, without lower back pain— just a few days after accepting TMS in February 2021, as I worked through Alan Gordon’s Multi-Media Pain Recovery Program. My pain is not completely gone…I can feel pain in my shoulders right now as I type at my standing desk. I guess I still have anxiety that I won’t be able to fully dispel the pain, even though I also simultaneously realize its resolution is inevitable since there is nothing physically wrong with me, I know it’ll just take time. In my childhood I spent a decade dealing with OCD and an obsession with germs and getting sick…looking back at those years now, I see the TMS-link has always been there. I was able to get over my fear of getting sick, and now I will get past my obsessive thoughts and fear with physical pain. As my pain slowly improves, I’m currently seeing new things popping up, like headaches (I used to get headaches all the time as a kid (middle school, high school— and I never knew why). I also experienced sleep paralysis twice this past month—I've never experienced this before. I know that this is a tell-tale sign that it’s TMS— that my brain is looking for another way to suppress my rage. I’m a little frustrated at the moment at the idea that maybe I still haven’t addressed my rage. Haven’t I, after almost 2 decades in therapy, sorting through my childhood and relations with my parents? The idea that I haven’t scares me, because it makes me wonder what else is to come. I guess that fear is something I have to look at, still. Where I'm at: Accepted TMS diagnosis— Feb 2021 Read: Healing Back Pain; The Mindbody Prescription (Sarno) Worked through: Alan Gordon's Multi-media Pain Recovery Program, Tell me about your pain (podcast) Pain?: Mostly neck and shoulders. Ever since I accepted TMS, I've seen significant reduction. I went for a run for the first time yesterday-- felt a new pain in my hip. I reassured myself that it was fine and the pain subsided.