I was starting to feel unusually well yesterday evening. Today shakiness and numbness is back. With the New Year's activities coming up tonight (plus a relative staying), I realized I was expecting too much of myself. Perfectionism! I had enough to do, just laughing at the voice in my head that wants the whole house clean and tidy and every paper filed away and EVERYTHING in my life in order, because we're about to enter a New Year and I want EVERYTHING PERFECT IN THE NEW YEAR. HA HA HA!
I started looking up "Boundaries" on the TMS forum and read some wisdom by y'all, thanks for that. I also had this thought:
Put on YOUR oxygen mask first, before helping others!
This feels good. I had already drawn some clear time boundaries, marking out time alone today and what I would and wouldn't do when certain people do things that I react to with annoyance and (partially repressed) anger. But my anxious mind is still quivering.
I wonder if I've gotten accustomed to quivering, since the back spasms scared me so much? Yesterday I realized I was basically afraid all the time! I was amazed at this. I was afraid, even out of pain. Afraid "it will come back"! I think realizing this, and ACCEPTING IT, is what made yesterday evening and night so IN JOY ABLE (sp. error deliberate).
I just now realized, writing this, that I was thinking "I must calm down the "bundle of nerves" I've become", but no, I must ACCEPT IT and let it be. Otherwise how will my mindbody believe that I TRUST IT to heal itself?
Okay, I'm still shaking, but now IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
Phew! What a journey.
I started looking up "Boundaries" on the TMS forum and read some wisdom by y'all, thanks for that. I also had this thought:
Put on YOUR oxygen mask first, before helping others!
This feels good. I had already drawn some clear time boundaries, marking out time alone today and what I would and wouldn't do when certain people do things that I react to with annoyance and (partially repressed) anger. But my anxious mind is still quivering.
I wonder if I've gotten accustomed to quivering, since the back spasms scared me so much? Yesterday I realized I was basically afraid all the time! I was amazed at this. I was afraid, even out of pain. Afraid "it will come back"! I think realizing this, and ACCEPTING IT, is what made yesterday evening and night so IN JOY ABLE (sp. error deliberate).
I just now realized, writing this, that I was thinking "I must calm down the "bundle of nerves" I've become", but no, I must ACCEPT IT and let it be. Otherwise how will my mindbody believe that I TRUST IT to heal itself?
Okay, I'm still shaking, but now IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
Phew! What a journey.
