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yvettemariabetancourt

yvettemariabetancourt

Peer Supporter
After many years of successfully dealing with TMS and almost completely eliminating chronic pain, I am struggling again and probably for very good reasons.

I lost my husband 10 months ago to a sudden heart attack. I was the first responder and those moments were surreal and the worst of my life - not being able to save my love. After he died, I made a decision to go through my grief recovery with intuition and grace. My love of life is massive and I did many healthy things to aid myself. Grief group therapy, individual therapy, outdoor therapy, meditation, healthy eating and lifestyle, constant exercise and maintaining strong personal ties with my loved ones. My circle of support has been amazing.

With all that, as I approach the 1 year anniversary of his death my body is hurting, my muscles have spasms of unknown origins. I even took a nasty fall on my tailbone (minor but painful) that has further aggravated my anxiety. My levels of anxiety have skyrocketed. I know I am not alone but feel very alone. Had not thought much about being also angry over this loss, but maybe I need to.

This forum has always been a place I turn to and am grateful for it. I am developing a new plan for myself and I am not sure what it should look like but am open to suggestions. It may be time to do Chronic Pain Management Coursework again and deal with not-so-obvious issues head on.
 
Biggest of hugs to you. I do not know what it is like to lose a spouse, but I do know a thing or two about grief and loss. Always what I have found is that when I have confusing and conflicting emotions, and I see some and repress the others, I am likely to get symptoms. In your case, grief and loss and sadness are expected. Even anger that it happened could be expected. But how about anger at him for not taking better care of himself, or resentment that he put you in a position to have to be the first responder? Maybe a tiny part of you is relived in some way, or judging past arguments, or thinking you added to his stress. Our emotions are tricky and those dark ones can be totally repressed. We have to be willing to see our selfish, petty, judging side of our emotions. Happy to chat more if any of this strikes a chord. Wishing you well.
 
@Ann Miller these thoughts do strike a chord and are insightful. I was always worried about how he ate (think ONLY pizza, hamburgers, pasta, red meat) and had a struggle with that. He did little to nothing to care for himself. I did feel angry after he died but maybe that brief angry period was not enough. Now I find myself having to reevaluate my whole life's direction and even where I choose to live. I do "blame" him , though I know he never wanted to hurt me - but well I guess he did. Thanks for the feedback.
 
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