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A desperate plea for help

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Workinghard, Feb 12, 2020.

  1. Workinghard

    Workinghard New Member

    I am brand new to this form and to TMS. I started learning about it about nine days ago and have finished reading Dr. Sonos book (healing back pain) I am reading Steve Ozanich’s books “the great pain deception” and “back pain permanent healing”. I have been watching YouTube videos about TMS, and I think I may have it.

    I am in a desperately bad situation with my health. I have had debilitating back pain for a year now and can hardly function at work or at home. I also have developed vestibular migraine again, which I once had in my mid-40s and recovered completely from. Now I have two debilitating illnesses going on simultaneously. i’ve been to a neurosurgeon and physiatrist and neither said surgery was indicated. I’ve been doing physical therapy since April of last year but I’m not making progress on reducing the pain. I have weekly flares and often have spasms in my back. It is extremely difficult to work, and I’m afraid I’m gonna lose my job. I have a family to support and the loss of my income would be devastating. I’m taking nortriptyline for my migraine but it will not eliminate the symptoms.

    The back pain was not due to trauma, but I was going through a stressful. In my life in 2018 just before my back went out . have a chronically bad back having worked as a staff nurse in hospitals over three decades. I have degenerative disc disease and some minor this bulges in my lumbar spine. Again, I’m no expert on TMS and I have not seen a TMS physician. Is there someone who can help me, please? I don’t want to lose my job. My eldest daughter graduates high school in May and I want to be able to attend her graduation ceremony but right now I could never sit for that long. I have not seen my parents in more than a year and they are both much older and ill. I’m afraid that something might happen And I will not have seen them. Can someone please help me, please?
    Bodhigirl likes this.
  2. jimmylaw9

    jimmylaw9 Peer Supporter

    Workinghard user name says it all!
    I read your post and can feel the fear you have. I’m no expert but have suffered from chronic low back pain for a year or more. It’s not discs it’s tension and your full of it. You have to be good to yourself relax meditate and take as much self care time as possible . Say no to everything you can and take as much time to yourself as possible. It will get better but it’s all in your unconscious
    JanAtheCPA likes this.
  3. Workinghard

    Workinghard New Member

    Thank you. Sit. I have been taking lots of time off and saying no to social events over the past year. I spend a lot of time in my house. I can’t do any manual labor around my home. I have almost daily anxiety attacks bc I never know when I will flare.

    Is TMS dangerous? Does it do permanent damage to your spine and related soft tissues? Thank you.
  4. jimmylaw9

    jimmylaw9 Peer Supporter

    No. TMS is mild oxygen deprevation which induces pain. Real pain. But it’s not dangerous and it’s treatable by understanding it’s your unconscious brain is causing you pain. Your focus on the pain makes it continue.

    I can tell by your post your fearful as was I. Every job I did around the house I had fear my back would hurt. That’s what it does. You have to defeat it by living with the fear and not paying the pain attention. Continue doing things and ignore the pain. If it’s sore stop but don’t think about the pain think about what you have achieved and remind yourself that the pain is caused by your brain. It’s not structural. It’s caused to stop you feeling about your repressed emotions,
    JanAtheCPA and plum like this.
  5. Workinghard

    Workinghard New Member

    OK, thank you; that was helpful. Are you pain free ? Do you have any lasting damage as a result of this ? I cannot bend forward or twist much. My activities are extremely limited because I’m afraid of injuring myself. This is a nightmare.
  6. jimmylaw9

    jimmylaw9 Peer Supporter

    No I’m not pain free but lots of people on here are checkout success stories on the search.
    I am living with it now and fear it much much less. I’m doing things that hurt but I know that I am okay and I take my time doing them and feel good about the achievement rather than bad about the pain. In this regard I’m doing way better and I believe I will be better soon.
    Tennis Tom and JanAtheCPA like this.
  7. Workinghard

    Workinghard New Member

    Thanks. Do you know why you are not pain free? I don’t know anything about TMS and I’ve been told that U have structural causes for my pain, do I have no idea who and what to believe.
  8. jimmylaw9

    jimmylaw9 Peer Supporter

    I’m not pain free because it didnt happen immediately for me. Everyone is different.

    You’ve read the literature and you have had the med work done. Your disc issues are a normal abnormality as Sarno says.

    You need to believe in TMS fully and stop fearing the pain. Do the suggested SEP prog here or similar work and it will decrease the symptoms over time.
    JanAtheCPA and Velvet_Hidden like this.
  9. HattieNC

    HattieNC Well known member

    I feel the desperation in words and wanted to send out a few words of encouragement. I've been where you are. Trying to hold it together while pain is overtaking your thoughts and life; reading the success stories on this forum and clinging to the hope that one day this will be you. Well, I have good news for you! One day, this will be you, but it won't happen overnight. Please read my story. I had a complete health breakdown in November 2014. Today, I live a normal life. I work full time, travel, dance, and play with my grandchildren. There are many, many others on this forum with remarkable stories of healing. Read Plum's posts about self-care. Read anything on this forum by Steve Ozanich. Especially this thread, http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/seeking-the-grail.529/. Work Alan Gordon's program here on the Wiki. However, I wouldn't advise spending more than 30 minutes to an hour each day delving into TMS. Otherwise, it can become an obsession too. Most of all, be kind and patient with yourself. Know there are people on this forum who care about you.
    plum, JanAtheCPA, BloodMoon and 2 others like this.
  10. Workinghard

    Workinghard New Member

    Thank you. I will review the posts. I have no life. It’s hellish. Then when I got rear-ended yesterday, my life got even worse because now I can’t tell if my pain is my typical pain or new pain from injury. No immediate pain at accident scene , but I know there can be delayed pain. Was having a good day yesterday in terms of my psin and migraine then I get rear-ended. My friend asked me to meet her to pick up a birthday card and that made me a bit late for the drive. If I had left even 15 minutes earlier I would have not been hit. That’s what you get for being nice.
    I don’t know much about TMS and am trying to get an appt. with a TMS physician.

    Do I load up on pain meds and go out ? Or just stay home? I don’t know
  11. Bodhigirl

    Bodhigirl Well known member

    Welcome. Glad you found us. Yes, don’t work so hard at this or anything else. So many of us suffer fear of inadequacy... tension, perfectionism. Such self sabotage are hurt. May you hang around and get well with us.
    If you can, speak to a therapist who gets the mindbody connection and process...
    plum and JanAtheCPA like this.
  12. Workinghard

    Workinghard New Member

    Thank you. How do I find Plum’s stories ? How did you get to pain free? What steps did you take ? I have some degree of pain everyday, and periods of time that I dint feel much . My back feels weak
    And unstable. I can’t bend forward bc I’m afraid I’ll spasm. So, my mobility is really limited . I use a grabber to pick up things or I lunge . I have to dress lying on the bed. I have frequent anxiety attacks, especially in the morning. The pain, fear of pain , loss of the quality of my life, along. with the vestibular symptoms trigger the anxiety. I’m reading Mr. Ozanich’s books, but they are dense reading and take time. I can’t calm down once the anxiety starts. It takes hours to go away . Did you go through this too? Any advice ?
  13. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi @Workinghard - and LOL, I have to agree about your username - good one, @jimmylaw9.

    @jimmylaw9 has given you a bunch of GREAT advice, as has everyone else. It's clear to all of us, based on your history and the fact that the docs "can't find anything wrong" (always the biggest TMS clue) that you've got TMS. More than one person has sensed your desperation - and I gotta tell you, as long as you are in desperation mode, your fearful brain has you wallowing around EXACTLY where it wants you - which means that you aren't really going to hear, or really absorb, what people are telling you.

    Hell, your first sentence says it all:
    All that information, and you only THINK you might have it? It seems to me that your fearful brain is totally in control of your logical brain, and it ain't gonna let any of this new information through to be acknowledged unless you manage to regain control. Right now you are frozen with fear, you are desperate, and you are beating yourself up. You can't accomplish anything in this state of mind.

    You may, in fact, need a jump start from an experienced TMS coach or therapist who can get you out of the snake pit of fear and into a calmer place where you can actually start to do some of the work.

    We do have a few members who are practicing TMS coaches and who post here (in descending order of activity). You can check out their profiles to learn more about contacting them.
    @Andy Bayliss
    @Miriam G. Bongiovanni

    And there is also Alan Gordon's Pain Psychology Center, offering remote counseling with licensed TMS therapists.

    Resources you can access on your own:
    - The Structured Educational Program (SEP) (I think you are too scattered right now for Alan's program - you need structure)(and @HattieNC is 100% correct that you spend no more than an hour a day on the work - because you Work Too Hard).
    - Stories on the Success Stories subforum

    Finally, I believe that there are two things that are essential to doing this work:
    - You must have faith that you absolutely can heal yourself.
    - You must love yourself enough to know in your heart that you deserve to recover.

    You can do this.

  14. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    @Workinghard, you asked about finding posts by @plum, as advised above. You should spend time dinking around on our menu bars and see what each of them does or goes to.

    Under "Members" for example, you can search by name for the profile of a particular member. Once in their profile, you can read their story, and, on other tabs, see their recent activity, or all of their postings.

    You can also click on anyone's avatar (that's the photo or generic icon to the left) to get to their profile page, or to start a Private Conversation with them (these are also referred to in other forums as DMs - direct messages, or PMs, private messages).

    You had asked me for help on another thread. At the end of my profile story, I list a whole bunch of resources that have helped, or are still helping me, in categories. Some of my own posts are included, as well as my favorite books, web links, threads on this forum, and, most recently, my favorite podcasts.

    And in case you didn't notice my tag:
    I Know how my brain creates symptoms;
    I Believe my body is healthy;
    I have Faith that I can heal myself.
    Aimee88 and plum like this.
  15. Workinghard

    Workinghard New Member

    Thank you. I do not know much about TMS, so I’m just stating to learn. I was told I have structural issues for my back pain and I beloved the people who told me. Then I stumbled upon TMS two weeks ago and it started to sound like me; it explained some inconsistencies in my pain profile over the past year, but again, I’m new to this. Then Thursday I got rear-ended, which only made me more anxious about my back. You all are correct, I am in a lot of fear and uncertainty, and I can’t see a way out. I’m beyond desperate, and I can’t function normally, which also creates stress. I will find a coach or therapist. And I’m going to see a TMS physician for confirmation.
  16. LaughingKat

    LaughingKat Peer Supporter

    Dear @Workinghard,

    I hear how frightened and yes, desperate you feel. My heart goes out to you because I have been in exactly your situation -- in terms of fear, not your particular symptoms. I was panicking, in terror of my symptoms 24/7 -- all day every day. I wish for you first just a little more peace of mind. You are not in any danger. It is not nice to be in pain but you are not in any danger. Try not to panic for the future, because none of us knows the future. All we have is this present moment, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to begin to believe that.

    I know it is overwhelming at first, especially being told that you HAVE to believe in TMS 100%. It feels like one more demand on you and you are already exhausted with fear and pain. Try to do just one thing for yourself each day, even if it's 5 minutes of breathing peacefully or laughing at a silly movie.

    The two links I'm about to post are the things that really sped up my progress, and my belief. They are two 10 minute meditations that I stumbled upon on the website of a naturopathic doctor in New Zealand. I don't know anything about him other than he has a soothing voice and a simple undemanding approach to helping establish belief that your body is not your enemy and that tension creates pain and other symptoms. I have listened to both of them many times and they always help get me back on track. Maybe they will help you too.

    https://www.rjwhelan.co.nz/music/relaxation/relaxing when there is anxiety.mp3

    https://www.rjwhelan.co.nz/music/relaxation/relaxing when there is pain.mp3
  17. Workinghard

    Workinghard New Member

    Thank you, Laughing Kat. My name is Kevin. I appreciate your compassion and the compassion of everyone on this site. I don’t know Mind-Body mediocre or Sarno’s work. I work at the pinnacle of mechanistic medicine and even within that, I work in the specialty of biochemical genetics Therefore, every disease or symptom we see has a pathological structural or biochemical cause. When my back went out, I was treated by a PT who follows a mechanistic rehab approach. My story of pain was explained in mechanistic terms, period. I accepted it wholeheartedly because that is what. I know. I was told that my future was uncertain, that I was not to flex from the waist, but hip-hinge, and I was to keep my spine neural as mush as possible if I wanted any chance of recovery. This is called spinal hygiene, and so I became locked in a neutral posture. Even minimal activities are almost impossible. When I was at my worst last year, two colleagues who I thought were trusted friends , turned on me, , my job was threatened (which creates anxiety about how we would pay bills), I had to close my study for which I worked so hard to create (this leaving my patients.standed), and I was forced to withdraw from my PhD program. Then, I was publicly humiliated in a patient care meeting last June, and there was nothing I could do because I need my job to support my family. All I could do was try to survive day-by-day. The fluorescent lights at work would trigger the vestibular symptoms, and I would start spinning with vertigo, or everything would become lopsided. I dared not say anything for fear of endangering my job. Vestibular symptoms are some of the most disturbing symptoms a person can experience. Think of having the bed spins when you were really drunk. And it was like this all day, along with the pain. The migraine symptoms have improved but the lights are still difficult. So, I have a lot of fear and anxiety, for these and other reasons, not the meat of such is because my body did not feel still, it was constantly moving from the vertigo. It’s difficult to be calm when your brain perceives that you are in motion and the rest of your body is saying you are stationary. It’s also difficult to read or watch a video.

    I realized there were inconsistencies in my symptom profile, which I raised and they were explained or ignored. Then two weeks ago, I started learning about TMS, and then I began to see things differently. I had no knowledge of this, so I am learning. Thank you, Kevin
    plum likes this.
  18. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    plum likes this.
  19. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle

    Sweetheart, we have all been where you are, as the lovely @LaughingKat says, maybe not in terms of physical symptoms but certainly in terms of fear and uncertainty. These are very early days for you in a world that must seem quite tipsy turvy (given your background).

    The betrayals, humiliation and other horrible experiences you endured are all classic things people go through prior to a TMS episode and if nothing else the protocols offered here will help you greatly in the emotional healing of these wounds.

    I note that @HattieNC suggested you read some of my posts on self-care. Allow me to share a bit of my backstory to illuminate why the practices I advocate are so powerful. I care for my husband who was diagnosed with young-onset Parkinson’s over a decade ago. At the time the prognosis was that within 3-5 years he would either be in a home due to extreme disability or he would be dead. Neither of these things have come to pass. He isn’t fully recovered but he is doing very well.

    I’m sure you can appreciate the impact such a tragedy has had upon my life. I was afflicted with a rare form of Trigeminal Neuralgia (type 2) and almost lost my mind due to the pain. I came across Sarno’s work and while I kinda knew it made sense I struggled desperately with it.

    That was then and in the ensuing years I began to evolve my own path which mirrored the effective nature of the various methods I used with my husband. Broadly speaking these are various ways of soothing a frazzled nervous system (pain, anxiety etc serve to over-active the autonomic nervous system and this in turn heightens our perception of pain) and actively employing self-care to maintain a healthy, balanced state of being.

    The people here are kind and compassionate and will do their best to help you. Rest now Kevin, give yourself some breathing space. You can heal my love.

    plum xxx
    Rainstorm B and JanAtheCPA like this.
  20. Workinghard

    Workinghard New Member

    Thank you all for your compassion. I will go through your posts and threads. I’m learning to navigate the site, andI did not know what an avatar is until today, so I am a true neophyte. I’m trying to get an appt. with a TMS physician and therapist, and I see more of myself and I read “The Great Pain Deception”.

    Plum, I‘m so happy you healed from TN, which is not common and your form is severe as you said. That is a miracle. I am also happy to hear your husband is doing well with early-onset Parkinson’s.

    I look forward to the dizziness threads.

    We have a program for people with undiagnosed diseases. People come from all over the world to evaluated at our center. We can’t diagnose every patient, and have found some new generic diseases. But some patients had a confusing constellation of signs and and symptoms with no identifiable genetic mutations, nor could we find a unifying diagnosis in these patients. Now, I’m beginning to see that some of these people may have had TMS equivalents , that we could not see, because we work in a reductionistic and mechanistic framework. So now my eyes and mind are opening to something vastly different.
    plum and JanAtheCPA like this.

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