Need some advice

Hi everyone, I need some advice on dealing with a close friend who also has chronic headaches, in fact it might have part of how we initially bonded, as strange as that seems.

I've been working with the TMS concept since January and I have gotten so much better, in fact, I feel like I am almost there. I am not trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking (on purpose anyway!) but I found myself telling this friend about TMS, the books, my recovery, etc. She thinks it is great that it has helped me but doesn't feel like she has the time to do all the work I have done and that she would rather just keep taking medication. Honestly, if medication had actually worked for me maybe I wouldn't have looked into this either.

I find I just don't want to hear about her headaches any more. I had an email from her today about how she has another one why she thinks she has it (the reason is something structural even her neurologist said is not likely). I am just not sure how to respond. For some reason it just totally enrages me that she never takes responsibilty for her health (among other things).

Clearly a lot of this is my own stuff too and about larger issues with this friend.

Anyway...any feedback is appreciated!

 

Hi Veronica,

I have the same issue, except it is pain issues with my mom. And she is TOTALLY not open to anything non pharma.

This is hard because you want to be supportive but frustrating because you feel that person could explore an avenue which is most likely beneficial. How close are you with the friend? If someone close, perhaps you could gently suggest that dwelling on health issues is not good for you right now or for her and you would like to focus on something else. If not so close, you may want to distance yourself a little for a little while and tell her you are working on your own health issues. You can always ignore emails. Sometimes we have to be a little protective of our own health and "house". It is important to surround yourself with positive messages and people and give back that positiveness. Some people accept it and contribute to that, others do not, or maybe aren't ready yet.

I also have another friend, similar to you who has a lot of pain issues and I have tried several times to share the resources. People have to do things at their own pace in their own time.

I would say be as supportive as you can but sometimes you have to let up and let go some too.

 

Hey Veronica:

I have a friend who has issues and also got Dr. Sarno's book. Although unemployed at this time, and knowing she has this condition as well as me, she will do nothing. She says "she doesn't want to get that angry".

My advice is to simply "scan" the email from your friend about headaches and keep improving your life. Perhaps don't respond for awhile if it triggers you. Everyone has free will. And your friend is taking her path, my friend is following hers. I don't really want to listen to my friend either, but I love her so I do. I know this is her issue, I know it's mine. Had I made a quicker recovery (still have much to do) I think my friend would have still stayed on the sidelines.

The key is: It's everyone in their own time. On just about anything. SO happy you are doing so well.

BG

 

And I would say to you Sew that this is fear. She can try the work and be medicated. I am. It's working pretty well. But sometimes that fear of pain is worse.The whole idea of letting go of "what works" is just not going to fly. I personally really want off these meds.

Use your own advice that you gave Veronica: "I would say be as supportive as you can but sometimes you have to let up and let go some too."

Yup. It's looking for like minded people to be around, be it about TMS or just something positive. But to your mom - I feel her pain.

BG

 

It's someone I'm pretty close to otherwise I would breeze by it. I agree on everyone being on their own timeline, I think it just gets to me because of this particular friend. I get triggered by her a lot--I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed and I do, but of course I also have TMS. She probably has TMS too but she's also someone who comes across as very fragile and so other people take care of her. I think resent that (also, I am one of the people who often takes care of her). It's totally my own issues being triggered, if some random co-worker mentioned having a headache I probably wouldn't give it much thought.

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.

 

One of my triggers is people who wallow and expect care and sympathy from others all the time. Just take heart that you are not like this. You have taken on a huge responsibility to look after and treat yourself and are now achieving a payoff. All you can be to your friend is a good role model. Let her watch and observe. You don't have to say anything more.

My husband suffers from a range of PPD symptoms. He said recently that his skin problems specifically are depressing him. I am totally convinced there is nothing physically wrong. He's been to the doctors, was prescribed loads of anti-biotics, lotions and potions. Nothing has had much of an effect. I reminded him again tonight what I believed was causing it. He just laughs and disregards anything I say. It is quite hurtful actually. But I must continue to look after myself.

 

Me too! I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I think the goodist in me ends up taking care of them and then another part of me is resentful because I don't get to be weak like that (though overall I wouldn't want to be). It's just an enormous pet peeve. I don't know how to deal with it. And I feel like because I've been relatively successful in life I attract a fair amount of emotionally needy people AND I sometimes feel morally obligated to help them (but I'm getting better at not acting on that).

YB44, I'm sorry to hear about your husband. That must be really tough when if it seems like he is dismissing what you are doing for yourself.

 

I believe that there is a time for everything. It's obvious that she is not ready to really get well. I can sympathize with you, though. I have a friend who always is stressed out..."a mess" in her own words...yet she never does anything proactive to help herself. Everyone has to do things in their own time. As much as we want to help other people, they have to find "their" own way. I have had to take a step back from my friend because our interactions are so laced with her negativity. I am on a path to wellness. I can only help her by being an example.

 

So do I honeybear. I have many friends with TMS like symptoms, or flat out TMS. But it's exhausting to try and get them to "see the light". So I stopped.

Yes! As crazy as this may sound to you Veronica, some people love basking in the darkness of illness. They get something out of it. There's a pay-off. So they continue on their path, whine to those who will listen, and never get better. Can you simply "listen" to the information but not let it go any further? Let it go right on through you?

honeybear has the right idea. You aren't obligated to listen and take her stuff on. That is the "goodest" in you. You've passed on what you're doing, she sees that, but will come up with all kinds of excuses why she can't. I think I've talked with the ""same person. My friend has Epstein Barr which is a disease that drastically lowers your immune system. (Dr. Sarno talks about it I think in MBP) She's always sick. Always got some kind of new ailment and it's frustrating since I've told her about this work. I think I mentioned her excuse (lamest I've heard yet) "I don't want to get that angry." Oh. You'd rather have a cold, the flu, a herpes outbreak or all of the above - rather than do the work. Now I get it.

I tune her out. I listen I hear myself saying "oh that's too bad" - but I don't take it to heart anymore. I let it go and know she wants to be this way. End of story.

BG

 

thanks, everyone. I forgot to tell you what I ended up doing on this--my friend had been talking about the headaches in an email about something else, so I just responded on the other stuff.

I also noticed this particular friend is someone I'm extremely protective of (it's complicated to explain here) so I think I tend to overreact to her being in pain. That is totally my own issue and not hers.

 

Also, when people go on and on about health issues, I find it helpful to remember the words of Louise Hay, "that may be true for them, but it is not true for me."

 

YES YES YES Agree.

I do have workmates who have various issues (one gets migraines) but I am careful what I say in the workplace. Family on the other hand, hears about it from me on a regular basis. I tell them I want them to see that they can help themselves! I think this is where accepting people for who they are comes in, and also I believe there is a readiness factor for everyone.
CHEERS!

 

Hi Lori:

Showing family they can "help themselves" is the same thing as (excuse me) barging into their lives and telling them what's best for them. It is obvious you care for your family, but they're like everybody else: they have their own journey and timetable. I hope you can share information for them from a distance without getting too involved in their issues. The more we try - the more people resist.And then WE are left back at square one. Hope that made sense.

BG

 

I think you can share about TMS with friends and family and encourage them to try it without becoming a pest...I find when I start talking about TMS I can tell who wants to hear more and who is just thinking, oh, that's nice for you, but I'm not interested.

 

I know for certain that both my sister and brother have TMS, but I am not going to expend any energy worrying about what they are or are not doing about it. I know it may sound selfish, but my main concern right now it that "I" get better. I have enough on my plate. If they see that I am getting better, they may then be willing to take a closer look at TMS as it relates to them. Again, everything in it's own time...

 

Not selfish at all. Being "unselfish" gets a lot of us here. Finally having the courage and taking the steps to make sure you are out of pain - is the idea. Go for it. You have nothing to lose but your headache!

BG

 

Thanks, BG! I appreciate your vote of confidence.

 

Showing family they can "help themselves" is the same thing as (excuse me) barging into their lives and telling them what's best for them. It is obvious you care for your family, but they're like everybody else: they have their own journey and timetable. I hope you can share information for them from a distance without getting too involved in their issues. The more we try - the more people resist.And then WE are left back at square one. Hope that made sense.

BG[/quote]
Fortunately my family got to watch me go from being bedridden to back to life through my TMS recovery in early 2007; even after hearing that I needed back surgery (which I did not get). That is an advantage for which I'm grateful because they are able to see some things in themselves that are TMS and realize this due to my experience of being in agonzing pain and recovering w/o surgery, etc. I have also found it important not to be parental with others (on this forum as well). I go with being gentle and loving, with myself and with others. Words coming from a loving place have a lot of power.
And as I said, there is a readiness factor too.
Hugs to everyone!

 

This is a little different than telling them you want to see them help themselves. They watched your journey and have some experience rather than just hearing from you in a distant town - what helped you and what can help them.

True. I certainly hope I didn't offend you. Words can also be read differently from different life experiences. And without hearing voice inflection, can be misconstrued. I apologize if I came off harshly - in rereading this I think I did - and was only trying to point out that we can in the end - only help ourselves.

Love and Light

BG