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I let go of the reins

Discussion in 'Alan Gordon TMS Recovery Program' started by jokeysmurf, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. jokeysmurf

    jokeysmurf Well known member

    I’ve been doing well since last December when I decided to start living life without fear. Things were difficult but very quickly I saw my TMS pain reduce itself and show that it’s not structural. I kept going and going and pretty soon by March or April I had the most normal existence in a long time. However it always flavored a bit and it always manages to trick me a little every single day.

    My exercises and mantras kept me feeling sane and in control. But I never liked that I had to always manage it like a baby trying to crawl out of a crib or stroller. In other words my techniques and exercises in a way were catering to its existence. I was to afraid to let go entirely. Until two days ago. I decided to stop attending to the neediness. I will still be kind to myself but I don’t see why I have to keep calming myself down and checking in to make sure I’m safe. I am safe and it’s time I know it. My brain can learn.

    So I let go. Since then I have been hit almost immediately with a barrage of every symptom I have experienced in a year, in a matter of hours. I had a very hard time concentrating, I felt afraid and shaky and nauseous. I held me ground. The symptoms peaked at their worst after about three hours. I almost felt regret but I’m tired of taking care of this burden and I need to live my life even more fully and whatever happens happens. I accept it all without cringing away or believing I’m somehow weaker than I am. I am stronger than I believe.

    Two days of hell so far. I still do meditations at night before bed because it helps me sleep.

    I feel I am doing the right thing. However I feel I just started completing over in ways. This part is a bit discouraging
    Balsa11 likes this.
  2. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Wow, @jokeysmurf , this is rough! I'm sorry to hear of this setback, which seems extreme.

    It seems very obvious that it is TMS, and that you are experiencing some kind of "extinction burst", but how discouraging!

    The only thing I can think of is that it seems you were judging yourself negatively by needing to keep control over your techniques to keep TMS away. And that as soon as you let your techniques go, your negative brain went "Aha! See?? This isn't natural, you can't keep doing it forever!" Does that make any sense?

    And while you were successful at keeping fear under control with your exercises and mantras, I have to wonder how much of your deeply repressed emotions did you ever actually discover and acknowledge in the early stages of your TMS journey? It's not uncommon for people to feel like they've got TMS "under control" without really, truly, "doing the work" to acknowledge their deep negative emotions. If those things are still lurking, TMS is still working.

    Heh - I didn't intend to make that into a rhyme, but... there it is. It's what I believe.

    Anyone else out there with any advice?

    Cap'n Spanky and Bodhigirl like this.
  3. jokeysmurf

    jokeysmurf Well known member

    I think the problem was that TMS techniques turned into perfectionism, crossing T’s dotting i’s. It became a bit of an obsession until recently deciding it was occupying too much time.

    I know I’ll be fine in the long run. I totally agree that something which seems unnatural crept up and it let loose. I think it can be unhealthy to do too much TMS work, which I did. Then everything gets analyzed through the lens of TMS instead of living life. Which I did. I don’t do a lot of things that I used to do which kept TMS flames going full force. I know techniques are useful but at some point you just have to know it and be ok with what life throws at you.

    I used to live on forums. Now I feel great about my decision to let go. Stop over analyzing things, yes acknowledge emotions and do things to love myself and acknowledge repression. I guess I was airing my difficulty is all.

    The sun will continue to shine and I will continue to embrace life’s ups and downs. No longer will I be kept under the thumb of fear.
  4. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi jokeysmurf,

    I think you make an important post. So much of our TMS work is highly individual, and you are taking us into your latest self-knowledge.

    I get that you are creating a new "autonomy" from who you think you need to be as a good TMS worker for yourself. I feel a release, a trust, and even a healthy anger or boundary-making impulse in your decisions lately. I feel the boundaries you are making for yourself (around your percieved needs to do x,y, or z) disconnect you from fear, or perhaps more deeply, from the fear of fear.

    In my thinking this important movement will give you deeper clarity, and this clarity cannot come without your present "boundary making." Anything more you need to know will come, if need be, from the fire of your work. Importantly, you are finding a new kind of strength.

    And there is a "fire" in this work. I had a client tell me the other day that her work with TMS is "the hardest thing I have ever done." This probably cannot be helped!

    I wish you the best.

    Andy B
    Balsa11 likes this.
  5. jokeysmurf

    jokeysmurf Well known member

    Thanks Andy, you’re right it’s very individual. A year ago just learning the techniques was so important, it granted me a life that i didn’t know I could have. It gave me back so much and allowed me to see inside myself. It showed me how to address anger, sadness and repressed emotions which are often the culprit. It also allowed to understand how fear keeps TMS alive.

    Now I need to move on from a place where I monitor my techniques and keep a constant eye and making sure I do this or that to keep my TMS in check. I realize even this had an element of fear. I somehow thought if I don’t do my techniques I would be catapulted back to start over. Well I decided to let go of controlling that. I’m feeling it organically now and I know a tantrum or neediness from actual need to be soothed.

    I have been doing difficult TMS work for over a year along with somatic experience work and CBT with therapists. I feel these all gave me a perspective to learn to not fear my symptoms and befriend my body.

    Well this extension burst or whatever it is has really let me see inside how the mind and body work. I’ve gone from feeling fear to waking up with a sore throat, to back pain, to head pain, to anxiety, blurred vision, balance issues, cheek pain, neck pain, stomach pain, overactive bladder etc. All rotating in matter of minutes to hours. On and off for the last three days. I’m not buying in to nor am I tending to it . I feel deep inside a confidence a felt sense that all of this charade TMS is throwing at me is keeping me unmoved.

    It is no doubt, the hardest work. Because fear can easily creep back in. And I have allowed it to for a long while. Now I make my stand and I want my life back.

    There is a fire. There’s anger that’s coming up also. It’s somehow related to all those lost days and to how much I didn’t believe in myself and how weak I perceived myself to be. Yet another wave of emotions being unearthed
    Lizzy, Balsa11 and JanAtheCPA like this.
  6. jokeysmurf

    jokeysmurf Well known member

    The Update, I experienced about a week of calmness and no symptoms. I felt more and more present and less in the TMS or in my head or future. Im sure I will go back to TMSing and eventually as I learn or teach myself once again and remember in my body what calm and present is it will become more frequent. I think when we get lost in this for a long time, just being present can see unfamiliar and that can stir anxiety and symptoms.

    Now I have a sore throat and a swollen lump on one side, the funny thing is that my throat hurts a lot and then I decide its TMS hours later it disappears.
    Balsa11, HattieNC and JanAtheCPA like this.
  7. jokeysmurf

    jokeysmurf Well known member

    Well after days of journaling and exercise and cognitive soothing and several days of extinction bursts a massive realization and feeling of loneliness has arisen. Lots of pain subsides as I focus on this feeling. And now this constant feeling of wanting to cry for this lament. I know I don’t allow myself to cry because it would cause fear that i would become depressed or something.

    I have moved 2 times in the past 4 years and have had such a difficult time making friends. Not fitting in has been a part of my childhood and I have these old memories of feeling alone or isolated at school etc.

    Not sure what I am supposed to do.
    Bodhigirl, Cap'n Spanky and Balsa11 like this.
  8. Balsa11

    Balsa11 Well known member

    Make more friends:)
  9. jokeysmurf

    jokeysmurf Well known member

    This is an old post. Things have been great since then. Hope you’re getting a lot out of this site.
  10. mugwump

    mugwump Well known member

  11. Wow this was really helpful and relatable. Thanks for sharing. I feel like I am on a similar journey.
    gipfel65 likes this.

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