Day 11 Wish I could just pause life for a bit to recover

I keep thinking I could fully recover if I could just get a couple of weeks with no travel, no stress, no annoyances. But I guess if I could accomplish that I would have avoided TMS in the first place. There's extra drama at work this week, lots of air travel scheduled, and much to be worried about.

I'm up for the challenge, though -- I'm just impatient and there's still that nagging fear that if I can still feel a fraction of my old pain that means it can come raging back any time.

I took a week off of the structured program while I was traveling on business and off my usual routine -- but I was reading The Divided Mind off and on and reviewing other materials on the TMS Wiki. Of particular value was The TMS Recovery Program.

I had two 16-hour flights, which gave me a lot of time for introspection. My pain was pretty low the whole trip, but almost always there in the background -- except when I wasn't thinking about it.

As I reviewed past events that may have resulted in repressed emotions, I realized I had left my brother's death off the list. I have always felt at peace about it -- he died of cancer in his 20s -- but I can definitely see my Inner Child being furious about the whole thing: the unfairness, the impact it had on his young family and my parents, the sadness when I see something he would have loved, the way my parents have lionized his memory (which sounds horribly selfish to my conscious mind but my Inner Child might see as a threat to their memory of me). I had a good cry on the plane (nice private seat, fortunately) and wrote out several paragraphs in my journal. I was half hoping my pain would flitter away right after that but it has been about the same for a couple of weeks now.

I hope that 6 months from now I'll look back on this time and think, "What was I worried about? It took a few short weeks and all is well now!"

 

You're doing a good job of journaling to discover your harmful emotions. You had a busy schedule but now take it as easy as you can. You shouldn't put a timetable on your healing, and six month from now may be pessimistic, but a least you're not expecting overnight recovery. Patience and perseverance are two very important ingredients in healing, and I sense you are on your way.

 

I think you are doing very well.
The only thing you have to do is to give yourself the time to heal.
Maybe 6 months isn't enough for you (and me) to recover.
Give it the time it's needed. Don't rush yourself.
I do the journaling in my own tempo, I can't push myself.

I lost 2 brothers who were 20 and 24 years of drugs.
Long time I felt quilty of there death, but the quilt is gone.

Don't worry.

With love, Rozie.

 

Hi there,

Great and brave that you went through the pain about your brother. Sorry to read that the pain didn't respond as you wished for. Was there not even a short moment of relief, when you look closer to what exactly happened? I see in my own experience, that every emotion that is really felt on a deeper level and completely let go of, affects the healing process as a whole, in one way or another... For example, besides the pain in my body I actually also deal with asthma. And what I saw, was that by touching a quite delicate issue about me and my dad, suddenly my breathing changed, surprisingly. It was not the pain that changed, but my breathe!
Sometimes it's hard to find the ultimate key... And unfortunately focussing too much on wanting to find it, means often not finding it. You're dealing with a briljant mind inside, that won't give in that easy (-: And may be it is not a traumatic event from your past, but something much closer by, that you still not aware of...
I guess it's really important to trust the process, keep going, learn each day more about yourself, the processes inside, and enjoy life in the meantime!

Have a wonderful day!

Lidwien