Why life changes are important to recovery

[mrefreddyg]

Hi all,

Been a little less active on here as started a new job helping people with chronic pain learn about the role of brain and apply mindbody techniques (we are soon piloting the first ever Emotional Expression and Awareness Therapy Pilot in the UK which is very exciting!)

I recently replied to a thread asking about life changes and whether they are important. I thought it could be nice to expand on that a bit.

In my opinion making life changes is essential to TMS recovery. You simply cannot keep on doing the same things over and over and expect a different result. Although I consider recovery from TMS as a primarily "inside job" there are some external shifts that aid us on our paths to living freely.

Internal shifts that help TMS recovery:

• This pain is NOT caused by physical damage
• I am not broken
• These symptoms are safe and I can get on with my life
• Hurt doesn't mean harm
• All emotions are safe and I express each of them freely especially the rage, grief, despair etc.
• I will be honest with myself
• My needs are important and deserve to be respected
• I cannot hate myself into being a better person

And as we shift internally we need to shift our external to start matching these differences in perspective:

• Getting back active again -> this doesn't necessarily mean exercise if that wasn't your jam before TMS but it means living your life again whatever that looks like because you know your body is okay.
• Changing the boundaries of relationships that are generating a lot of rage - this can range from getting out of abusive situations to sitting down with loved ones and being clear about your needs
• Choosing a work situation that suits you - it doesn't have to be perfect but going to a job you hate everyday is a sure fire way to keep filling the bucket of rage. And when that spills over - hello TMS.
• Do stuff you enjoy. Do it everyday. Joy is essential and you deserve it. It doesn't matter what it is but nothing says that you are well more than being joyful.
• Socialise a bit more - chronic pain can kill our social lives in a big way. So when we are ready it can be really healing to start connecting with fellow human beings. That can be on this forum, a mutual interest club, family, existing friendships - wherever really!

This is by no means exhaustive but I hope this gives a flavour of what can shift and how we can approach TMS work from multiple angles.

In my experience, the other life changes such as more meaningful and fulfilling relationships that have arisen from recovering have been some of the biggest benefits of doing the TMS work.

Have a lovely weekend as it rolls in. Here in Scotland the leaves have been magnificent so I hope wherever you are that the leaves are similarly beautiful!

 

[Rusty Red]

I wish I could switch work situations, but it's just not feasible for me. That's definitely a huge cause of my daily stress. This is excellent advice, though, thank you for writing this!

 

[Diana-M]

Changing the boundaries of relationships that are generating a lot of rage - this can range from getting out of abusive situations to sitting down with loved ones and being clear about your needs

Thanks for this post! It’s a good one! I like this item. It’s been huge for me. I haven’t really sat down with loved ones, but I’ve distanced myself from the ones that enrage me, and I’ve recognized what’s really going on in those relationships. I was struggling so much with this prior to my TMS work. Now things are smoothing out. Here are some examples that were (are) big causes of TMS for me:

—My oldest son is abusive, maybe a narcissist? I’ve just established extremely limited contact, even though it’s meant less contact with my grandsons.
—My sister is a narcissist (you can’t sit down with them!) I didn’t even know she was; just knew it hurt. Now I’m almost totally no contact.
—My husband drinks too much; we are in a lot of discussion about it. I’m at least feeling more hope for change and in touch with my feelings about it. Before, I had all my feelings stuffed.
—I have one super mean daughter-in-law—also, here, I’ve shrunken contact to very minimal. She’s actually pleasant now, because we rarely talk.
—Dropped a very old friend who made me constantly walk on eggshells.

Is this sad? Yes! Infuriating? Yes! Just ask my entire body. But it’s reality. And denial wasn’t helping. Nor was blaming myself for their behavior toward me. I think loved ones are a HUGE catalyst for TMS, and probably my biggest trigger.

Another thing I’ve done is I’ve doubled down on loved ones who are nice to me. Spending more time with them. I don’t have to treat everyone equally. That was a huge revelation! It set me free.

 

[Cactusflower]

This is a great post. I think some people think changes have to be huge: eg. get a divorce (not to rule it out either) when changing perspective and looking at things in a new way might reveal small changes that make a huge difference.
I have a method to mull things over that can circumvent falling into old thought patterns and “fix it” mode.
I imagine myself in a large field, standing all alone. Grass is short, sun is warm, blue sky - (setting everything to be neutral to “nice”..). Like looking through the lens of a camera, I zoom out to a huge circle surrounding what now looks like a “little me”. I am the “real” me and stand on the circle looking at myself. Now I start walking the circle maybe 10-20 paces and look at “little me” again. I look at the body language, expression, posture. I think about the “problem” in a very short sentence. I walk and then look again. I keep looking at all angles. I consider the “stuckness” the things I think I can not change about the situation. I consider what I could change about it: small things, mindset. Sometimes I consider stuck vs stubborn! By the time I finish the circle I usually have one actionable thing I could try - even if it doesn’t work the fact that I’ve empowered myself to think outside my habitual thought patterns is a win. Getting off the hamster wheel is half the battle sometimes!
I often ask: what can I do to feel safer in a situation I cannot control? Or Am I willing to shake the foundations of my entire lifestyle to make a change (my answer is often no - but now that’s out of it way it gives me space to change within the framework).
Jim Prussack has said that the feeling of being stuck in life can be the rocket fuel to make the changes we need: both physically and mentally.

@mrefreddyg it’s wonderful you are taking EEAT to the UK. I wish it and its concepts were more readily available here. I’ve heard of it but have seen nothing else about it.

 

[Diana-M]

I have a method to mull things over that can circumvent falling into old thought patterns

Love your method, Cactus!

 

[BloodMoon]

@Rabscuttle wrote this the other day, which blew my mind:

"But ultimately it is my responsibility to try and address these things and ‘earn’ my brains trust that I can confront what my life is and what it might have in store for me without the distraction of chronic pain."

In doing what you've listed above, @Diana-M, you will be doing just that... that is, earning your brain's trust that you can confront what your life is and what it might have in store for you without the distraction of chronic pain (or other symptoms).

 

[Diana-M]

In doing what you've listed above, @Diana-M, you will be doing just that... that is, earning your brain's trust that you can confront what your life is and what it might have in store for you without the distraction of chronic pain (or other symptoms).

Thank you! It’s exciting! Very wise of @Rabscuttle. For some of us, there’s a really big mess to clean up. And this takes time.