Where were you a year ago?

@Rabscuttle
I LOVE your report! Wow, it’s great to hear about it all. Good for you for stopping and taking stock of all your progress. I’ve witnessed how hard you’ve worked! I’m thrilled to hear of all your personal and spiritual growth, too. Yay!

 

thanks Diana, you’re an inspiration to me. I will forever remember your kindness to me when I was so terrified to return to work. Hoping for healing for the both of us.

 

@Rabscuttle

Hi mate, this is kind of a question for dm but i want people to be able to see this. Youve recommended meditation a lot, specifically unguided. Do you have a few tips?

I wanted to ask another important question but ive lost it

 

I highly recommend the YouTube Ben smith who teaches spiritual based meditation-connecting with a higher power (god/the divine/the universe whatever you feel connected to, note it is in no way shape or form related to religion, I am not religious) and your higher self. The gist is to have structure, be in a specific seated position with specific hand positions. There are various ways to meditate, you can follow the breath, you can internally chant a mantra, you can say a mantra along with the breath, you can follow the space in between breath, you can stare at a photo, you can stare at a candle etc. should aim for 20-60 minutes which you’ll have to work up towards. The problem is people put limitations on themselves and think they can’t sit still or theyre a failure for not being able to concentrate. A major point of meditation is to teach these skills along with kindness and grace towards ourselves. If we instantly had the ability to meditate for an hour with zero thoughts or distractions we wouldn’t need to meditate in the first place, plus it’s when you pull your mind back from your thoughts to the meditation is when you’re actually doing it. If I meditate for 30 minutes and the first 29 minutes is me being distracted and the last second is me returning to the breath or whatever then that’s a win and I slowly work my way up. I’ve been doing it 3 months straight and I still struggle, that’s the whole point, it’s simple but difficult, just like TMS work. People also don’t connect that their low level brains and ego don’t want them to meditate because you’ll start to recognize the stuff floating in your head is a bunch of bs and lies and you’ll take back your life from running on autopilot.

I personally use a mantra when I take an in and out breath (natural breath, I’m never forcing breaths). I do meditations both laying down and seated in half lotus although due to pain the latter is tougher but I still do it for the discipline aspect which is a huge part of meditation and a reason why guided ones are a crutch/hinderance.

if you do meditations laying down just be mindful that’s it’s just not turning into you taking naps, which I sometimes struggle with, not the worst thing especially if you have sleep issues but the goal should be greater than to just fall asleep.

like TMS and gathering evidence to cultivate belief, once you start meditating you’ll have experiences, could be seeing things lights/patterns/faces, feeling euphoria, some will have out of body experiences and these will strengthen the resolve to continue meditation because you’re feeling tangible effects. These shouldn’t be the ultimate goal and you should avoid chasing them. I’ll go weeks without having an experience and then have one and be reassured that I’m on the right path.

 

Thanks for the comprehensive post. I’ll defo check out Ben Smith (there must be a crazy amount of Ben Smiths in the world lol)

I feel so much resistance against meditation. Is that something you recognize? How do you deal with it? You dont have to baby me through anything but this is just something ive run into while trying meditation.

The other question:

I’m immensely frustrated. Not in the sense that I walk around wanting to punch people, but its there when i start ruminating. When i just sit around for a bit im confronted with how unfulfiing my life has been recently. It used to be pressure from others that i had problems with but ever since a while ago its mostly just frustration from within. Is that something youve come across personally?

 

Yes prior to following this style I meditated on and off for years (usually guided) and felt a lot of resistance, didn’t think I was doing it right etc. would feel good in the moment but would let days or weeks pass by before trying again, just didn’t get *it*.

the benefit of spiritual based is that you’re actually working towards something, connecting with god/the universe/your higher self etc. it gives more inspiration and in my case it was helpful to start shedding my atheism and nihilism and misanthropy, things which are not good for the tmser (at least the last two, Not judging anyone for being atheist, we’re all on different roads). Western society has kinda dumbed down meditation into I want to quiet my mind and be more productive while losing the spiritual aspect, those are fine goals but the issue is they’ll take time to cultivate, you don’t see the results from meditation right away, just like you don’t with TMS work, so a lot of people will quit before seeing any positive changes.

I was the same at 19 I had dropped out of college twice at that point and was super down on myself and saw no future, and that was just mental issues, I had no physical pain at that point, thankfully. Lots of things contribute to feelings of frustration, social alienation, unemployment, lack of hobbies, , our treatment of ourselves. I think we just need to learn to chill a bit, we should work toward bettering ourselves but if it’s stemming from shame it isn’t going to stick. Being kind and asking what you can actually do in this moment. Okay maybe in person school is out of the question, can you take online classes? What hobbies do you enjoy, what did you like doing as a kid, I know you mentioned drawing, how do you feel when you do that. Honestly just lessening pressure and stop thinking on timelines like I should have x or I’m lazy for not doing y. I’m 32 living in my childhood bedroom. One of my proudest accomplishments is slowly quieting that voice saying I’m a loser. Nope. I’m someone who has struggled and suffered immeasurably and am overcoming a great challenge. I am on my own pace. I’m realistic when I’m being lazy and not progressing but also give myself way more grace to just chill out and cut the shaming BS about where I should be. If I have to ‘sacrifice’ a year or two so my next 30 or 40 can be filled with peace, then I can accept that. Even if it takes longer to heal, I am trying. We don’t realize how cruel we are to ourselves, how much we’ve internalized this sham societies bullshit to be successful. Of course it’s natural to want a good life but me mindful of beating yourself to death over what you don’t have.

 

First of all I really want to make clear that I’m in no way judging you.

Like personally when i read your reply its a proper answer. Like yeah youve been theough a ton and yet youre still sitting here fighting and you wont give up. Can only be a tough motherfucker.

But like I know that yeah i try my best and i got dealt an unlucky hand and i know that. That however doesnt get rid of my intense frustration. Like fuck if im still in this fucking attic in 10 years thatd be a huge catastrophe. Theres no rationalizing it. It would be a fucking disaster.

Maybe im just an annoying son of a bitch but I dont necessarily hate myself but i do hate this life. Im sick of this

 

The prob

The problem is you’re judging your symptoms and progress on short time scales and projecting it as what the future will look like. That’s not good for you. Even look at your comments on this thread a few days ago, you seemed to have more hope and appreciation for you progress, now you’re sick of it. Frustration is understandable and should be felt but be mindful of being leaf being swept in the wind by symptoms. Have a goal of changing your outlook and work on addressing thought patterns (meditation will help)

what can you do in in your current situation to take steps towards getting the life you want? Are you able to get outside more as it starts to warm up? Can you feed some birds seeds or peanuts? That’s something I like doing that brings me joy and joy to others. What fun can you have in your life right now? There is nothing I can say that will change your situation.

maybe buy a punching bag and learn how to punch or kick, maybe a physical outlet to relieve some frustration will help some. Ultimately it’s going to come from internal shifts.

 

I’m just feeling life slipping from my hands. I’m quite capable at suffering so itll just go on and on and miraculously people here tend to not be that depressed.

I have told you about this before but ive felt a certain way about how id like to live my life. Some of my dreams felt like they came from the head and not the gut, but others i just feel really passionate about. I feel like I wont be able to live this life anymore when im 30. There will be people available that arent aligned with my world view at all.

I have to accept and accept and accept and just getting used to feeling like my dreams are snatched away from me.

It goes in waves and im indeed more optimistic sometimes. Honestly im quite happy with how im dealing with this and ive made huge improvements outside of tms. I have already learnt a lot to the point where these years dont feel wasted to me.

yeah ill just be rambling on and on but i just have an intense desire to get going again. Its a frustration that i dont really know how to deal with yet.

As for my hobbies i have a ton but these are hard to pursue. I dont know how to explain my situation without just coming up with a ton of coping for every subject. I have a fire burning within. My actions say i want to get better. My thoughts are a little doomy and gloomy sometimes as im sure you can tell.

I have actually been sitting in my backyard in the sun even with the higher planes flying over and thats something that i love. Theres birds chirping and kids running around nearby so its a little scary sometimes but ive been doing great. I love the sun i love sitting outside. I also have gym rings hanging which i feel bad for at times. I have made a post about it, its ridiculous.

I know youre not my therapist and you dont really care and that is really even not a problem. I should probably just get back to life and continue doing the work. Ive just had so many reckonings already im kind of done with these insane challenges i have to put up with constantly

 

And i also feel quite lost sometimes. I am getting better but i honestly dont really know why. When my symptoms get worse for a bit I start feeling so helpless because my body can just decide to throw me into shit like that for no reason. I just feel like im not actually in charge. Trying my best but its really really really tough to keep going constantly

 

Meditate Mani, your mind is going a million miles a minute. I can feel it from your words. If there is one thing to prioritize it’s meditation. Dive deep into it. You’ll see the truth of how almost everything you’re thinking and feeling are a bunch of lies that are perpetuating your situation.

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it”

Grow. Expand. Ascend.

Nothing is going to be handed to you here, if it were what would be learned? You need an overhaul brother, I think one day youll be happy it came at 19 rather than in your 30s or 40s.

 

I'll get into Ben Smith meditation right this instant. Thanks for the rec. Youre right my mind likes to go rather fast. Thanks mate for everything. I'm a tough nut but I'm really trying

 

Do you read books about this? I find it very intriguing and your explanation was very helpful but Ben Smith doesnt tell me how to meditate lol. Did you buy his course?

 

I can vouch for what @Rabscuttle is saying. Quieting the mind and becoming more spiritual is the answer. I’m finally starting to see some big relief of symptoms, and my hope and courage is growing since I deepened my daily prayer and meditation practice with my higher power (God). I just poured it on, and things started improving. It’s like TMS is darkness. You need light to get free.

 

I pay for his course and recommend it, it’s like 15 US a month, but it’s not necessary. The first meditation he teaches is this (summarized by Google AI)


So Hum meditation is a simple, silent mantra technique that
pairs the breath with the mantra "So" (inhale) and "Hum" (exhale) to promote relaxation and focus. It translates to "I am That" (identifying with universal consciousness), calming the mind and reducing anxiety by anchoring awareness to the natural rhythm of breathing.
How to Practice So Hum Meditation

• Position: Sit comfortably with an upright spine, relaxing your shoulders and jaw.
• Initial Breathing: Close your eyes and take several deep breaths, allowing your body to settle.
• The Mantra: Inhale slowly through your nose, mentally repeating the sound "So" for the duration of the inhale.
• The Exhale: Exhale slowly through your nose, mentally repeating the sound "Hum" for the duration of the exhale.
• Maintain Flow: Continue this cycle—inhale "So," exhale "Hum"—allowing the breath to be natural and effortless.
• When Your Mind Wanders: Gently acknowledge any thoughts, then return your focus to the sound of your breath and the mantra.
• Ending: After 5–20 minutes, stop the mantra, sit in silence for a moment, and gradually open your eyes.

Optional Tips

• Visualization: Visualize breathing in universal energy during the "So" and releasing tension during the "Hum".
• Pauses: Notice the subtle pauses at the top of the inhalation and the bottom of the exhalation.
• Routine: Consistent daily practice helps build a deeper sense of inner stillness.

you could literally just follow the breath though and call it day, it doesn’t have to be complicated. There’s plenty of free resources on YouTube, I’ve just interact with Ben a few times and he always comes across as genuine and caring, so I wish to support him and it has paid off tremendously for me.

 

100% it’s nice to have someone in our corners!

 

I love that you wanted to do this for me. I had my first session a couple of hours ago and in gonna try to make a habit out of it. He talks about a lot of things I seek. There is meditation centered around Jesus in the orthodox tradition but its not usually taught to laypeople. I really want to try this. Thanks a lot