When rage and repressed emotion doesn’t apply

I am feeling very defeated right now. I recently started working with a therapist, specializing in PRT (by Alan Gordon) for a very painful and visible skin flushing all over my body. I have read all the books (Sarno, Dan Buglio, Alan Gordon, etc.) and needed help digesting/implementing all the information in a way that doesn’t overwhelm my brain. I was really disappointed and discouraged about my session today. We started by focusing on repressed emotions, which I’ll be honest I do not feel applies to me in my situation. I have really tried to identify repressed emotions to find a correlation with my pain. Again, I don’t see a distinction for me. Although I have significant rage dealing with these symptoms. What I do know is that since childhood I’ve had very severe anxiety/OCD that almost completely impedes my ability to function, maybe 70% of the time. These are deeply rooted in my lack of independence and ability to rely/trust on myself. In this last session, she had me do a repressed anger workshop, which fell flat for the both of us. Then she suggested that I seek another form of therapy for my severe OCD which would then maybe eliminate my need for PRT/mind body work. Thoughts? Thanks for reading.

additional edit: I am a deeply emotional and fearful person. I have lived in the confines of my fear, my entire life, which I believe has potentially caused my symptoms. No history of trauma, no abuse. had a wonderful upbringing with great parents. Just wired fearful and scared to be alone and trust myself.

 

What are you fearful for? How does your childhood look like? What are the relationships with your caregivers, parents etc ? What kind of close relationship you have now? What triggers you emotionally? All these could be starting points. What do you most afraid of regarding how others view you?

 

We seem like we have similar backgrounds. I identify with fear very much and I've had OCD since I was a child. I actually went to CBT therapy and then went to Exposure and Response Prevention therapy back several years ago. It did not work for me. CBT really didn't address the fears I was having. ERP therapy was terrible for me-the therapist made me do an exposure therapy in the room and I couldn't do it. I quit right after that session because it felt like my anxiety was amped up so high and I really needed baby steps.

Have you tried the SEP program on this site? It is free and is a self guided program-it might be something to look into while you figure out your next steps.

 

A few points @hmb
Looking for things related to the pain rarely works. That’s kinda poking the bear.
Look for things relating to your life - the symptoms started because of your life in general (sometimes one incident triggers them, but the groundwork was laid well before that). Most of our childhood is enraging. Kids want to be free and don’t want societal rules they don’t understand imposed on them: eg being polite, staying quiet, raising your hand, walking not running.. (and fear of the repercussions of not following rules) - layer that on what have might been a parent who isn’t generous with praise or has trouble with unconditional love, feeling like your not accepted at school, struggling with studies, having your personal interests squashed (or not supported), parents who can’t be around much etc.. lots of layers one or more can begin to wear on kids depending on their personalities…
Stress can be major events you remember or do not remember or a trucking of tiny hurts that simply fill up the stress bucket to overflowing.

 

@Cactusflower, @Joulegirl, @louaci,
I actually wonder if I’m upset with myself vs. externally. Perhaps I am frustrated with myself for not being more independent/inability to overcome severe anxiety I’ve had my whole life. I haven’t read Sarno’s book in a couple of years … does my analysis make sense within the context of his work? Does it have to be a result of someone else’s action’s toward me? (FYI I just reordered Sarno’s book on Amazon so I’m about the restart that hah).

 

@JanAtheCPA would love your opinion on this too.

 

I think you’re on to something here. If we subscribe to what Sarno believed then the symptoms are a distraction from specific emotions/feelings (rage) from coming to the surface. I went to a yoga class on Monday, from which I always leave feeling more grounded and less reactive, and on the bike ride home I listened to what my brain was telling me, the gist of what I got, was that it has given me symptoms because it does not trust my ability to sit, undistracted, with what my life has become, for what I have let it become as a result of my anxiety, fears and personality quirks. Now is that my subconscious actually speaking to me, or me just filtering back what I think, who knows? But it is certainly rage inducing to think where I’m at and think of the of the opportunities and relationships I’ve let pass me by. Now is this purely my fault? No of course not. There are external factors, my dysfunctional family, where I grew up, the state of the world etc. But ultimately it is my responsibility to try and address these things and ‘earn’ my brains trust that I can confront what my life is and what it might have in store for me without the distraction of chronic pain.

So, no I don’t think it’s the result of just someone’s actions towards us, there are a whole host of things that can throw our nervous system out of balance, and generate symptoms.

 

@JanAtheCPA i also want your thoughts on this!!

 

Na, you're aware of this. You are probably angry and frustrated by is it truly with yourself or is it with all the other people you trusted to deal with the problems you faced and they never actually "fixed" you?
I can tell you I have harbored much rage against a parent who did not acknowledge my fears and anxieties because they needed me to feel their emotions for them, since they were frozen to most of them...and like you, at first I would have described my upbringing as very positive and in a loving family...I probably also harbor rage against the other parent for not protecting me from all of this. I say "probably" because it's subconcious. What I did with this things is recognize where I could have rage and begin to accept the fact that although I have identified as a kind, and caring person, I may still have internal rage which is normal (although I was brought up to think that my own anger or rage was not normal. The same emotions in others was normal and acceptable, but mine was not)...and that's not to say that I didn't identify as someone who could get angry. I was just trained that the expression of my personal anger was unacceptable. So I accepted the fact that perhaps there are parts of me that aren't as they seem, but are normal and natural and it's OK for them to be there. Our subconscious won't blame ourselves (or conscious mind will though), because it's simply a raging two year old having a huge temper tantrum fit over things that our conscious mind doesn't always identify with nor think is even sensible.
@Rabscuttle is more right on: the conscious thoughts (which are usually not emotions, just thoughts about emotions when it comes to folks with TMS) are most often simply a distraction from the truth of our subconscious. The adult, rational mind telling that little tantruming two year old inside of us to shut up and behave.

Does that help?

 

This is one of the reasons I continue to participate on these forums... sometimes someone will write something, put it in a certain way, and it hits home. I'd never looked at it as my brain not trusting me, and I can see why it wouldn't. Thank you, @Rabscuttle!

 

That means a lot coming from you! So much wisdom to be gained through all of this.

 

I’ll just throw this in as food for thought, @hmb —- I came from a very difficult childhood, but when I was 20, I would have told you we were the best family ever. Super fun, happy. A great family. A unique and special family.

Later, I got therapy, (cuz my life was a mess) and my vision of my true childhood peeled back in layers. It took me a long time to see the true picture.

I had this therapist once, who said “If it looks like a Category 5 Tornado came through here. Then it came through here.” I agree with Jan, kids aren't anxiety-ridden for no reason. But it takes a lot of courage to explore why. When it’s all said and done, you’re suffering now; with no hope of an end in sight. If you do the work (The WORK, as we call it), you will feel pain, but it won’t kill you. And slowly, you will get better. ❤️

 

I will say it isn't always the trauma in the formative years either. I have the typical parents divorced, Mom pawned me off a lot on my grandma, Dad was a drunk, blah blah, but my worst trauma that I think set the stage for my fear brain was when I was 18.

 

@JanAtheCPA So, when you determine the repressed memories/events, what happens then? What do you do with them in order to move past your physical pain? Is this a knowledge is freedom type of situation?