Whatever Pain...

[Anne Walker]

When my kids want to give me the ultimate disrespect, they answer one of my inquiries with "Whatever." Since I started working on TMS/MBS five or six weeks ago, my extreme distracting occipital neuralgia/right neck shoulder pain with numbness in my hands etc. has on some days worsened, some days moved, and other moments lessened. When the pain is less, the anxiety is higher. When the anxiety is high, new symptoms appear. Some are in familiar spots, others are completely new. I have had vision problems, digestive trouble, loss of appetite...all new.
Which is interesting because I already have a very extensive list of symptoms after living with this for 30+ years. But new symptoms are always more scary and therefore more distracting to me. I started to compulsively check my blood pressure and the more frequently I checked it, the worse it got. So then I worried about sleep apnea and decided I should finally go in for sleep study. Is this at all similar to my decision to overcome my fear of MRI's and finally get one of my neck just a few weeks after diagnosing myself with TMS? I have NO DOUBT that I have MBS but then I keep thinking I could have MBS AND some additional life threatening disorder that might be dangerous to ignore. I can see what I am doing, but that does not make it easy to stop. When the pain levels are high or the anxiety kicks in, it is very easy to spin off. Of course it is, I have been doing it most of my life! If I keep measuring my success or confidence based on my pain and anxiety levels, I will never wrangle this beast. Last night the right side of my head got a real bad headache on top of the painful muscle spasms and ice pick in the back of my head that is usually lodged there. So I went on a 25 minute bike ride. The goal wasn't to get rid of my headache but to not give in to it, not allow it to envelope my reality. I'm not even going to reveal whether it went away or not because truthfully I am not even sure. Its another day and this morning my pain was gone... for a while. Normally I would invest in that and then be incredibly discouraged when, like right at this moment, a bunch of uncomfortable symptoms have returned. But I am not going to. I am saying instead "Whatever pain." That doesn't mean I won't spin off again, because I probably will. But I am exhausted from caring, monitoring, being disappointed and whipping in the wind like a loose sail. "Whatever Pain."

 

[Lilibet]

I've been saying "Oh whatEVER" to my symptoms too, Anne. You just have to make sure you put the proper emphasis on the "ever" the way teens do. And don't forget the snotty tone of voice. It's been over 50 years since I was a teen, but I can still do disrespectful/dismissive really well. Of course, if my symptoms are teenagers, they probably don't even hear me, but it's fun to try to put them in their place anyway!

 

[AndrewMillerMFT]

Anne,

I feel for your predicament. I will say, if it is MBS, it's doing one hell of a job distracting you! Perhaps just noticing that, and noticing that sometimes the greatest indicator of MBS is the fact that it can so take over our mindscape. There are many people out there with numerous disorders who develop a level of acceptance and live their life accordingly. Here, I think we find that you are not able to get the different symptoms out of your mind. A very strong indicator of MBS.

 

[Forest]

For you... Just play it when you need it: ​

 

[Lilibet]

ROFLMBO!!!! That is perfect, Forest. Love it! Thanks for playing along with my humor.

 

[Sheree]

Hi there Anne. I would strongly recommend that you do not get an MRI. I really pushed to get one for my back and I now know that it only helped fuel all my fears. I was told that due to protruding discs in three different places I would always be in pain and would have to learn to cope with it. I now believe this to be untrue. To be told this, however, put me into panic mode and I have been trying to calm myself ever since! I think the "whatever" approach is far better. Keep strong.

 

[Lilibet]

I agree, Sheree. I've had two cervical and two lumbar MRIs in the past 11 years. Both supposedly "explained" the intense pain I was in. But each time that pain dramatically eased or disappeared without further intervention (I don't really count PT) when the acute stress I was in resolved. Those MRI results do add to the reservoir of doubt about TMS that I try to pull the plug on.

Obviously, there are times that MRIs are necessary. But usually they are ordered too quickly IMO.

 

[Anne Walker]

Hello. I did have an MRI about a month ago. Several doctors and pain specialists had recommended it for months and i resisted because I am claustrophobic. Once I started the TMS work, my mind was persistent in thinking about a structural cause so I found an open MRI in a nearby city and got it. Even though I was seated and it was completely open in the front, my heart was leaping out of my chest. It felt good to overcome this fear though. I had an MRI for a ruptured disc in my lower back 18 years ago. I ended up having back surgery and although it lessoned the pain, I still had sciatica and chronic back pain for years. So, I know that surgery is not the quick fix. This MRI revealed several cervical herniations and I think it has slowed my TMS acceptance but I try to be kind to myself about it. Its something I needed to do for where I was at the time and at least I am not worried about some awful tumor or something. The more I accept the TMS as the true cause of my neck/head pain, the more aware I am of my anxiety. This morning I woke up feeling terrible and I immediately distracted myself and told myself over and over "I can feel good in my body." That does not feel like I am lying or trying to fool myself because I know it is possible. I fell back asleep and when I woke up I went to the gym and rode the bike for 45 minutes. There were moments listening to the music when I felt good. I just need to build on that. There are so many moments in a day! It is a lot of work monitoring my thoughts and redirecting them to more positive and hopeful ones in the midst of all this anxiety and pain, but I understand this gets easer the more you do it. Thanks for the feedback Sheree and Lilbert.