When my kids want to give me the ultimate disrespect, they answer one of my inquiries with "Whatever." Since I started working on TMS/MBS five or six weeks ago, my extreme distracting occipital neuralgia/right neck shoulder pain with numbness in my hands etc. has on some days worsened, some days moved, and other moments lessened. When the pain is less, the anxiety is higher. When the anxiety is high, new symptoms appear. Some are in familiar spots, others are completely new. I have had vision problems, digestive trouble, loss of appetite...all new. Which is interesting because I already have a very extensive list of symptoms after living with this for 30+ years. But new symptoms are always more scary and therefore more distracting to me. I started to compulsively check my blood pressure and the more frequently I checked it, the worse it got. So then I worried about sleep apnea and decided I should finally go in for sleep study. Is this at all similar to my decision to overcome my fear of MRI's and finally get one of my neck just a few weeks after diagnosing myself with TMS? I have NO DOUBT that I have MBS but then I keep thinking I could have MBS AND some additional life threatening disorder that might be dangerous to ignore. I can see what I am doing, but that does not make it easy to stop. When the pain levels are high or the anxiety kicks in, it is very easy to spin off. Of course it is, I have been doing it most of my life! If I keep measuring my success or confidence based on my pain and anxiety levels, I will never wrangle this beast. Last night the right side of my head got a real bad headache on top of the painful muscle spasms and ice pick in the back of my head that is usually lodged there. So I went on a 25 minute bike ride. The goal wasn't to get rid of my headache but to not give in to it, not allow it to envelope my reality. I'm not even going to reveal whether it went away or not because truthfully I am not even sure. Its another day and this morning my pain was gone... for a while. Normally I would invest in that and then be incredibly discouraged when, like right at this moment, a bunch of uncomfortable symptoms have returned. But I am not going to. I am saying instead "Whatever pain." That doesn't mean I won't spin off again, because I probably will. But I am exhausted from caring, monitoring, being disappointed and whipping in the wind like a loose sail. "Whatever Pain."